Poor, poor Lindsay Low-Hand. She’s comin’ outta rehab just in time to face a lawsuit, plus her B-day peeps are pullin’ a no-show? Or are they? Also puzzling would be J.Lo’s blame game. What, girl can’t take the fact that not all she touches is golden?
Lindsay Lohan

Seth Browarnik/WireImage.com

Take off your party hats and put away those knives (for cake cutting, of course), 'cause Lindsay Lohan's 21st birthday party at Pure is officially canceled, natch. And apparently, the do has been nada for, like, two weeks, according to L.L.'s rep.
Evidently, no one told the peeps at Pure until Monday afternoon that the fiesta wasn't happening. A clubgoer tells us that huge-ass signs advertising the bash were still up outside the club as of Saturday night. What gives, already?

"We support Lindsay and wish her the best as she is taking care of personal matters at this time," says an official statement from the club's spokesperson sent out late Monday. "Due to unique circumstances, as of this afternoon, Lindsay's birthday party at Pure nightclub has been cancelled. We think the world of her and look forward to working with her in the future." 

Hmmm...they "look forward to working with her in the future"? Doesn't seem like the venue is too upset about this development, even though invites have already been mailed, billboards were bought and tickets were sold. Let's face it: This party would have been a huge moneymaker for the booze bamboozlers. So, why are they so okay with losing Linds, their almost legal to imbibe cash cow? 

Maybe because a future fete has already been set...which might mean she still gets paid, even though she technically broke her contract. The club had no comment when I asked about that sitch, so we'll have to wait and see. Torture!

Regardless, I applaud Linds (or whoever made this decision for her) for actually exercising some common sense and restraint for once. About damn time, girlfriend! Here's hoping you keep using your brain (or your team does) once you're sprung from Promises.  
Jennifer Lopez

Tory Zimmerman/ZUMAPress.com

As I briefly mentioned, J.Lo's restaurant, Madre's, seems to be fizzling as quickly as Britney's reentrance into the Hell-Ay club scene. I suppose that by using the word "fizzle," I'm implying Ms. El's eatery was once hot, which it most certainly was not. Maybe that's because the hardly jumpin' joint is in the community of...Pasadena.

This is the klieg-light-infested nabe where the eatery belonging to Marc Anthony's missus just sent out bargain-dining coupons to area residents. Accompanying said sad little piece of discount paper was a letter from the general manager detailing why one should bother eating there to begin with. He writes that when Jen-babe opened Madre's, "it was never her intention to open a 'celebrity restaurant' that would be a major tourist attraction. It was her goal to create a fine neighborhood restaurant."

Marc Anthony

GV Cruz/WireImage.com

M'kay...I'll believe that when I start believing J.Lo is still Jenny from the Block. Pardonnez-moi, but may I remind you that this is someone who uses her celebrity to get her freshly manicured hands on every aspect of the business world (entertainment, clothing, fragrance, etc.). The only diff here is, for once, Lopez's name ain't sellin'—hence, her attempt at making it look like a one-of-a-kind presh family restaurant seems to be a last, desperate effort.

Yo, get ridda the reservations-required biz, J-hon. That is, unless you want to keep a place handy for that dude you're hitched to who always looks like he's ready to fetch a canapé.
Lindsay Lohan

James Fox/Express UK/ZUMApress.com

'Course, Lindsay Lohan and H'wood hot spot the Ivy are being sued by Raymundo Ortega, whom L2 crashed her black Mercedes into back in March of 2005. According to the lawsuit, Linds was going nearly 60 mph in the business district "looking over her shoulder" and paying no attention to the road when she hit Ortega, causing "personal injuries and property damage," says the complaint. It's hard to put all the blame on the paps (as the Lohan clan frequently does), when the plaintiff claims the now rehabbed starlet was intoxicated when she ran into his van after leaving the overpriced eatery. Mucho déjà vu.
Lindsay Lohan's crashed car

X17Agency.com

Okay, so even though this major incident was over two years ago, good for Raymundo for taking action and filing suit, but what the ef took so long, boyfriend? Perhaps if L.L. had thrown the poor father of myriad kiddos a cashola bone years ago, this whole smashup while smashed biz could have been avoided?

'Course, if Lohan simply learned not to treat a Mercedes-Benz like just another leather settee at whichever hang she's commandeering, then Ray never would have been bothered in the beginning. Regardless, the rarefied Ivy now appears to be joining the many (less vaulted) Hell-Ay places paying the price for underage boozin'.

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