Sealed with a Diss

What celeb so strangely predicted Paris Hilton’s teary return to the slammer? And what’s Sophia Bush’s beef with the blond, supposedly God-filled gal? Plus, your love letters and hate mail!

Even talk at screen legend Al Pacino's fancy-butt AFI Life Achievement Award event turned to Paris Hilton and prison last Thursday night at the Kodak Theater. I know it seems like eons ago, but this was the very day that Paris was sprung from the slammer due to that pesky "medical condition." And, like, I'm totally convinced George Lopez, who was on hand at Al's do, has ESP.

"I would like to see her do a little more time, get a little street cred," Lopez mused to moi. "Four days is nothing...four days is a spa treatment! I'd like to see her go back in there and make us all proud." And that's what happened, the very next day. Whodathunkit that justice really is blind, even to the glare of socialite celebrities?

Sophia Bush, whose ex-husband, Chad Michael Murray, was rumored to have flirted it up with P. while they were married, barely hid her disdain for the blond babe when I asked for her two cents on the sitch.

"I think Al Pacino is far more interesting than Paris," she snit-shot right outta her pretty painted puss. Somehow doubt you readers will agree, as the mailbag burns with all things Hilton and Lindsay Lohan lately. Take a look for yourselves below...

Dear Ted:
I hate to say it, but is it possible that Wendell Waxer is David Boreanaz? He smokes on the small screen and chokes on the silver...please tell me I'm wrong.
  Lynn
  New York City

Dear Hopeful Vampire Layer:
Deep breaths, doll-cup. Wendell ain’t doable David. Think, uh, less mattress-worthy, by far.

Dear Ted:
Thud! No, you did not just flat-out, right between the eyes give up a Blind Vice answer!? The girls on the board thought it was easy enough, but the answer—from you? Are you okay, my friend?
  Kelly
  Derby, Connecticut

Dear Weak in the Cyber-Knees:
I’m fine, babycakes. I just figure I can’t be a total tease all the time, and bitchy Jo Frost in One Domestic Disturbance Blind Vice seemed like the perf place to start!

Dear Ted:
Who cares about all these celebs? How are your wedding plans going?
  Lynn
  Milford, Connecticut

Dear Celeb-Bored-E:
That’s not till the spring, hon-pie, so you’ll just have to suffer through Paris’ myriad, glamorous burps ‘n’ farts till then, so sorry.

Dear Ted:
Is it true that Beyoncé and Jay-Z are officially engaged?
  Ann
  Johannesburg, South Africa

Dear Safari Sweetie:
No news is good news, although Jay has been quite evasive when it comes to his supposed leadin’ lady.

Dear Ted:
It's all very interesting predicting a Brangelina split...and what if Angie catches Clooney? Hmmm, I wonder, won’t that be more interesting?
  Asha
  Peoria, Illinois

Dear Matchmaker:
Bros before babes, my dear. I don’t see good ol' George, one of Brad’s BFF, falling under Angie’s spell.

Dear Ted:
With regard to your EndBlab about Gerard Butler, I have a personal source who assures me he is a great guy and has left plenty of satisfied girls in his wake! So, he's not just a player, he's a nice player!
  Lisa
  Glasgow, Scotland

Dear "Personal Source":
One woman’s bad lay is another’s great conquest. Guess the only way to know for sure is personal experience...and it ain’t gonna be me!

Dear Ted:
I agree that Lindsay Lohan's drug, alcohol and mother problems are similar to the ones Drew Barrymore dealt with when she was younger, but in the end it was Drew who decided to get herself away from certain bad elements, including her mother. Until Lindsay decides to enter a rehab facility based on wanting to actually get help and not on what law she recently broke, I don't see her coming out whole in the end.
  Liza
  Merchantville, New Jersey

Dear Miss Cleo:
Until you can see the future, let’s not give up on Linds quite yet, m'kay?

Dear Ted:
Toothy Tile...is it Anderson Cooper or David Hyde Pierce? They both fit!
  Karen
  Rowlett, Texas

Dear Teething Texan:
Wrong on both, sweet cheeks. Quite far off, I’m ‘fraid.

Dear Ted:
You are utterly adorable. I do so love your juicy tidbits—your column, that is—and the inventive way you sunglass the words of your gossipy eyeball on the stars. Mucho more fun than just blurting the obvious...Smooches!
  Robin
  San Antonio, Texas

Dear Inappropriate Innuendo:
My "Tedbits" just love to hear that! I’ll keep the fun 'n’ guessing games coming as long as your cutie-patootie tuchus keeps reading.

Dear Ted:
I think you entirely missed the point about Jake and Reese's trip to the doctor together. There is only one reason that a new couple goes to the doctor together. Think about it. Hint: It rhymes with hex. I never believed the whole Reese-Jake thing—but I definitely do now. Did you hear about their rendezvous in Paris after Jake finished with all his Zodiac stuff at Cannes? Did you see the photos of Reese following Jake's car back to her place?
  Jeff
  Los Angeles

Dear Cannes-vinced:
I haven’t heard a thing about Reese in Paris, so no idea what hookup you’re referring to. And like I say, the proof is in the pics. Why haven’t the omnipresent paps managed to get one shot of them together off set if they’re so hot 'n’ heavy?

Dear Ted:
Is Wendell Waxer Josh Hartnett? I seem to remember reading something about him dumping his long-term g-f after he came to Hollywood.
  Amy
  Dallas

Dear Ding-Dong Ditch:
Josh may have dumped a gal or two, but he’s not our meanie man. Great guess, though!

Dear Ted:
You've exposed that many actors and actresses in Hollywood are addicted to drugs, are gay or egomaniacs, but are there any that are making money through prostitution?
  Sav
  Lancaster, England

Dear Hooked on Sleaze:
Depends on how you define prostitution, babe. Are there people who are benefiting financially from sexual relations (supposed or actual)? Most definitely.

Dear Ted:
I think Paris is taking the fall for O.J. and Robert Blake. L.A. just has to punish someone who is rich since they screwed up so badly with those two.
  Claudia
  Edmonds, Washington

 

Dear Paris Pity Party:
Don’t feel bad for that Hilton heiress for a hot sec. There are tons of peeps in prison with hideously horrible mental conditions who don’t get special treatment. Jail ain’t supposed to be fun 'n' photo ops, ya dig?

Dear Ted:
Wendell Waxer is Jared Leto, isn't he? I've heard stories...
  Erin
  Tampa, Florida

Dear Stale Tales:
Jared may be a jerk who wears too much eyeliner, but the boy can actually act.

Dear Ted:
You don't have to like Giuliani to know he gets the job done. I had the misfortune of having to travel frequently through NYC's Grand Central Station in the pre-Giuliani years, and I was harassed, menaced and physically threatened by beggars. Apparently, back then beggars had the right to physically threaten people! But no one, not beggars and not millionaires, should have the right to menace others. The Grand Central Station of today is so much safer—thanks to Giuliani.
  Marge
  Waterbury, Connecticut

Dear Rootin' for Rudy:
Maybe he could do something about the bums here on Hollywood Boulevard?

Dear Ted:
Congrats on the engagement and wishing you many years of wedded bliss. Okay, so I keep guessing these Blind Vices, and I never hear back from you. One more try: Wendell Waxer is Jesse Metcalfe, right? His waxed eyebrows are a dead giveaway.
  Jen
  Iowa City, Iowa

Dear Dollface:
Thanks for the wedding well-wishes. And congrats to you, my little crumbcake. You’ve correctly cracked the Blind!