RIV/Fame Pictures

When Miley Cyrus' infamous slant-eyed photo leaked online, we knew there was going to be trouble. When a Los Angeles woman filed a class-action suit against the Disney star on behalf of her Asian brothers and sisters, we knew it was going to be a lengthy battle. But when it turned out she was seeking roughly $4 billion—yes, billion—in damages from the teen, we knew what outcome was inevitable.

In a win for common sense everywhere, an L.A. judge today threw out Lucie Kim's lawsuit, saying that while the photo may have been offensive, it didn't break any state laws.

Especially not the one Kim claimed it did.

In her complaint, Kim accused Cyrus of violating a statute that prohibits businesses from discriminating against minorities, specifically in terms of offering equal access to public accommodations.

And while Miley's clearly a budding empire, she's not, strictly speaking, a business. Or, so far as we know, offering shelter.

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Nicolas Cage clearly felt he owed one to the pirate community. Either that, or he was hoping they'd help him out with a much-needed booty haul.

The financially drained thesp and, as it happens, U.N. Ambassador on Drugs and Crime, paid a visit to Kenya this week where he met with imprisoned Somali pirates to find out what exactly is fueling the swarthy ones' increased—and increasingly dangerous—criminal activity.

And if they should have slipped him a treasure map on his way out of the prison gates, so be it.

Sadly, that was not to be. Though he didn't walk away from the meet-and-greet empty-handed, having armed himself with a new understanding of their plight.

"I'm in a position where I can actually make some sense and talk about it when I go back to the States, where I [will] talk to different U.N. councils and discuss the matter," he told reporters at the Shimo-la-Tewa facility, which, incidentally, he dubbed the "warmest prison in the world."

If he gives them the Somalis the same good P.R. he brought to the people of Australia recently, well, we're all in luck. Still, good to know the screening process for the U.N. ambassadorships (for drugs and crime, no less) is still as rigorous as ever.

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Hey, did you hear? Pirates trump vampires. Condolences, R.Pattz.

It's Friday, so naturally a beaver was the big guest on the CBS Early Show. Make that, a full-bladdered beaver. Though not for long.

Blame nerves, blame nature, blame an oddly well-honed sense of urinary precision, but just a few short moments into the animal segment, unsuspecting correspondent Debbye Turner Bell was sprayed by a blast of liquid excretion.

No problem, these things happen. But rarely do they happen twice in a row.

As Bell made her way toward a towel-bearing minder, the beaver struck again, this time releasing another stream of pee right in her face.

We don't know whether to be impressed or grossed out. The Early Show, though, clearly wanted us to go with the latter, providing as they did a slow-motion reel of the incident.

For which we thank them.

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Check out more awww-inducing animals in our Very Important Pets gallery.

Eric Charbonneau/Getty Images

We'll cut right to the chase: Nicolas Cage was once stalked by a mime. Yes, that kind of mime. And yeah, that sounded about right to us, too.

While other terrorized celebrities follow the tried-and-true formula of being menaced by the more traditional knife- and duct tape-wielding crazies, leave it to Cage to break from the mainstream, even when it comes to unwanted pursuers.

"I guess it would fall into the stalker category more or less," the financially ruined actor told Parade of his nearly 10-year-old encounter.

"I was being stalked by a mime—silent, but maybe deadly. Somehow, this mime would appear on the set of Bringing Out the Dead and start doing strange things."

Stranger, presumably, than walking headfirst into invisible gale-force winds, unpeeling transparent bananas or attempting to make his way out of an imaginary box.

"I have no idea how it got past security. Finally, the producers took some action and I haven't seen the mime since. But it was definitely unsettling."

It's probably safe to assume the mime would have no comment on the incident. Or, you know, any incident.

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Granted it's a sliding scale, but Cage would probably prefer this type of headline to the sort he's been generating lately.

Adrian Varnedoe, PacificCoastNews.com

If what you wear says a lot about who you are, someone might want to get Joey Fatone to therapy, stat!

The former member of 'N Sync donned a rather pessimistic—although arguably valid—shirt that read "Has Been."

Of course, it probably didn't make him feel any better when former bandmate J.C. Chasez told MTV the group would never get back together.

Or maybe all of Justin Timberlake's success has him down in the dumps. Still, we can't help but feel a little bad for Fatone. Anyone got a smiley face T-shirt we can borrow?

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Mark Twain famously said, "Clothes make the man." See what other potentially self-fulfilling prophecies stars are wearing these days in our new Fashion Statements gallery!

Jesse Grant/Getty Images

Well look what the cat might not have to drag in after all.

Randy and Evi Quaid have posted bond and there is no longer an outstanding warrant for their arrest on charges of bailing on a $10,000 hotel bill, according to the Santa Barbara District Attorney's Office.

"If they don't show up to court, a bounty hunter will go and get them," Deputy D.A. Lee Carter joked to People.

The couple had posted bail of $20,000 apiece after being arrested in Marfa, Texas, but they were required to pay the same amount in California, where the alleged defrauding of an innkeeper took place.

In total, they've skipped four opportunities to appear before a judge.

Carter started extradition proceedings after the Quaids failed to show up for court a second time and the judge refused to put their case back on the schedule until they had posted bond—which was going to happen one way or another, voluntarily or not.

The Kingpin star and his wife are due to be arraigned Dec. 15 on misdemeanor charges of burglary, conspiracy and the ever-quaint defrauding an innkeeper.

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Silly wabbits, tricks are for kids—like the ones in our Famous Families gallery.

Activision/ Band Hero

Listen, if Gwen Stefani wanted to croon like a dude about doing it with hookers, don't you think she would have done it by now?

Unfortunately, the makers of the newly released Band Hero didn't take the hint and allowed for the avatar of No Doubt's frontwoman to be manipulated into doing just that. Which means only one thing: lawsuit time!

The rock band has filed suit against the video game purveyor Activision, alleging fraudulent inducement and breach of contract, claiming that while Stefani, Tony Kanal, Tom Dumont and Adrian Young all signed off on allowing their likenesses to be used, it came with the stipulation that the company could only employ the use of three of their songs, "Don't Speak," "Excuse Me Mr." and "Just a Girl."

Apparently the technical brain-boxes at Activison didn't take the hint from that last song title.

The gamemakers allow players to manipulate Stefani and crew so they can perform more than 60 songs—and here's the sticking point—of other artists, turning the No Doubters, per the lawsuit, into little more than "a virtual karaoke circus act."

The song No Doubt seems to have taken the most issue with is the Rolling Stones' "Honky Tonk Woman," claiming that manipulation "results in an unauthorized performance by the Gwen Stefani avatar in a male voice boasting about having sex with prostitutes."

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

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Viewers, prepare your TiVos: There's a sure-to-be shambolic new reality show in the Hoffing.

A few weeks ago, reports surfaced that David Hasselhoff might be bringing his trainwreck life to the airwaves (spurred on by his daughter's since-rescinded twitter claim that the show was a done deal). And while no air date has been set yet, the reality project appears to be inching its way toward, well, reality.

"We are in discussions about the possibility of a series, but nothing official at this time," a rep for A&E tells E! News.

Well, somebody's gotta replace those Gosselins.

Teenage Hoffspring Hayley and Taylor, no strangers to candid-camera footage, are expected to appear alongside their dad, a detail seemingly corroborated by Hayley earlier this month.

"The Hasselhoffs signed the deal with A&E…Get readdyy for it," she tweeted in a post that has since been removed from her page.

It should surprise no one that ex-wife Pamela Bach will not be appearing in the show. Apparently, you don't hassle an ex-Hoff, either.

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No doubt this show will generate plenty of superlatives, but spooky won't be one of them. So check out the Spookiest Shows on TV already, won't ya?

Diane Cohen/Fame Pictures

Déjà vu.

During Jon Gosselin's Sunday night appearance at New York City's West Side Jewish Center, the world's most famous reality dad had yet another public epiphany, alongside his newest companion, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach.

Everything got covered during Gosselin's forum, Gawker reports, including his excuse for arriving 40 minutes late. When he got over his own tardiness, he shared on his desire to be out of the spotlight, his rumored split with Hailey Glassman and his request for forgiveness from his estranged wife, Kate.

"I think I'm just misunderstood. I'm not a fame seeker. Everyday I look in the mirror and I wonder [why I'm famous]," the reality star explained at the public event. "I don't sing. I don't dance. I'm not a Nobel Peace Prize winner. I just had eight kids and I had a show on TLC."

TLC fame or not, Gosselin says he in no way condones his actions over the past few months.

"Half the stuff I've done, if I look at my moral compass, I shouldn't have done," he said. "I know that, but I did it anyway. It's like fame canceled out conviction. I didn't grow up this way. But I have to keep on going, keep on working and providing." And in regard to his children, Gosselin stated: "I know I'll have to explain my actions."

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Nothing like a little natural disaster to bring out the funny.

As high-powered winds wreaked havoc in Los Angeles last night, the lights in Craig Ferguson's Late Late Show studio suddenly went pitch-black during the last few seconds of his interview with Alicia Silverstone—to the surprise of host, guest and stagehands and, thanks to the quick-thinking Ferguson, the amusement of viewers.

"Oh!" the suddenly faceless Ferguson cried out. "Oooh, it's getting close to Halloween. This is awesome. We've gone to radio, everybody!"

When prompted by a producer to "keep going" for the last few seconds before the commercial break, Ferguson had a hard time grasping the notion, but like any obliging cheeky monkey, did as he was told.

"Keep going, keep going what? Keep going?! We'll be right back, everybody."

The power managed to come back for Ferguson's second interview, with Salman Rushdie (not even a force of nature would dare come between a man and his fatwa), but conked back out by the end of the show.

Not that that put a crimp in the enterprising (and flashlight-possessing) host's late-night denouement...

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An infant's unwavering devotion to matricide—good. Jokes about incest and deaf people—now that, according to Microsoft, is crossing the line.

Doing absolutely nothing to fight its uncool reputation, the software giant has pulled out of sponsoring Family Guy Presents: Seth and Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show, what would have been an otherwise ad-free variety special from Stewie mastermind Seth MacFarlane.

In exchange for the corporate backing, the show would have seamlessly woven promotions for Windows 7, Microsoft's latest operating system, into the program. But after some Microsoft bigwigs attended the live taping of the special on Oct. 16—and heard jokes about deaf people, the Holocaust, incest and feminine hygiene—the company bailed.

As the jokes themselves were completely in keeping with the MacFarlane brand of envelope-pushing comedy, the abrupt pullout certainly gives off the impression that no one from Team Gates had bothered to check out an episode of the show prior to signing up for the deal.

Either that or the Microsoft crew has particularly delicate sensibilities.

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Steve Granitz/ Getty Images; Amazon

First, she admits to cutting herself, now she's making criminals of meat-eaters. Make no mistake, Natalie Portman is all grown up and not some shrinking violet.

Penning what amounts to a Harvard-caliber book report for the Huffington Post, the actress and animal rights activist holds forth on her devotion to veganism and her opinion that those who choose to feast on flesh without regard for the moral implications might as well change their name to Roman Polanski.

The 28-year-old—with whose glowing self veganism clearly agrees—starts off harmlessly enough, crediting Jonathan Safran Foer's Eating Animals with her transition from 20 years of vegetarianism to eschewing all animal byproducts.

"I've always been shy about being critical of others' choices because I hate when people do that to me," she writes. "I'm often interrogated about being vegetarian (e.g., 'What if you find out that carrots feel pain, too? Then what'll you eat?').

"I've also been afraid to feel as if I know better than someone else—a historically dangerous stance (I'm often reminded that 'Hitler was a vegetarian, too, you know.') But this book reminded me that some things are just wrong."

That's where the criminalization of carnivores comes in.

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