The holiday gift-giving season is here, so we're handing out presents to some of our fave TV shows and stars. Read our list and then give your own in the comments!
To Lost, the most fascinating show on TV, we give all the Emmys, Golden Globes and miscellaneous guild trophies that you so rightfully deserve. These award-giving academies seem to have gotten distracted by new toys like In Treatment, and that's their loss, but you deserve all the gilded glories they have to offer. (We do have an ulterior motive for this gift: We haven't seen your pretty castmembers in formal wear for a while, and given the way they look in tuxes and gowns, that's just a travesty!)
To Gossip Girl and 30 Rock, we give Starbucks gift certificates, because what else is there to give those flawless, non-needy, superior and self-sustaining TV shows that already have everything?
To that new show we can't name...
...we give a replacement lead actor.
To House, we give a way to get Wilson and the original ducklings more screen time and better storylines without sidelining new kids Taub, Kutner and Thirteen.
To all the platonic, obstacle-plagued couples on TV, we give you some action. Heck, we give you hot monkey sex. And yes, Booth and Bones, we're thinking of you most of all.
To Whitney of The Hills and soon The City, we give a terrible childhood and low self-esteem, because you obviously have common sense and parents who raised you right—and as everyone knows, with the sole exception of Tim Gunn, level-headed decency just does not fly on reality TV.
To Chuck, we give a big fat 2009 ad budget so all the recent rave blurbs about your awesomeness can be showcased to new viewers.
To Diane Ruggiero (The Ex List, Veronica Mars) and Rina Mimoun (Privileged, Everwood), we give total creative control over any TV show your little hearts desire. This gift is in honor of your general awesomeness and because we want to watch whatever it is you have it in you to write!
To Project Runway, we give you back to your original production company-network setup of magical elves and Bravo, because this whole lawsuit/Lifetime/move-to-Los Angeles thing seems kind of disastrous.
To bubble shows that rock, namely Life, Privileged, Friday Night Lights and Reaper, we give new-season pickups. (This gift is on back order and will not be available until upfronts in May.)
To Battlestar Galactica, we give a final Cylon worthy of the mythology developed to date. (I know who I think it should be, but I don't want to say in case my deduction turns out to be right, but who is your pick? Post in the comments!)
To Grey's Anatomy, we give your entire cast and crew lots of therapy, medication and an ass-whipping from Mister Rogers on how to play nice. After all the ugliness we hear has been going down on set this year, it's the least we could do.
To Ben Silverman, we give a shiny new set of talented show runners and writers to generate awesome, smart new series ideas, allowing you to diminish your reliance on retreads of existing series from the '80s or overseas.
To Sons of Anarchy's Jax Teller, we give a copy of Machievelli's The Prince and Sun-Tzu's The Art of War—you'll need them to study up for season two.
To Barney Stinson, we give a Midsummer Night's Dream love spell to use on Robin Scherbatzky. And to HIMYM, we give a way to get Sarah Chalke back in contention for the mother gig.
To Supernatural, we give a better time slot, because against CSI, Grey's Anatomy and The Office, you are undeservedly getting killed.
To Peggy Olson (Mad Men) and Holly Madison (The Girls Next Door), we give new boyfriends/life partners/baby daddies who will treat you like the high-status females that you are.
And last but not least, to Heroes, we would give you Bryan Fuller to come and save the show, but Christmas already came early this year. Thank you, Santa!
What are your gifts to television? Post 'em in the comments!