Ask the Answer B!tch

Lester Cohen/Getty Images

About New Moon: With all these pots of money the movie is earning, does the cast get to share in the windfall? At the very least will they gets cars or Rolexes or something? And are these kids finally A-listers now?
—Scarlett via the Answer B!tch inbox

As much as you may think that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart each deserve a brand new shiny Volvo for delivering all that magic over the weekend, as far as I know, they'll just have to settle for millions and millions of dollars.

As for a piece of the action and other perks, well...

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Jon Kopaloff/Getty Images; Lester Cohen/Getty Images; Jeff Kravitz/Getty Images; George Pimentel/Getty Images; Noel Vasquez/Getty Images; Donna Ward/Getty Images

Do you think the New Moon kids are actually going to have careers after all the Twilight drama dies down? Or be taken seriously?
—Queen of Shoes, via Twitter

Well, because E! Online readers just love reading about how actors are jealous of other actors, or sleeping with other actors, or making little baby actors with other actors, let's do this right.

Let's put this in terms of other actors. Like who among the Twilight stars is really the next Matt Damon, who's the next Drew Barrymore and who's the next Keanu Reeves?

Behold a possible future for each New Mooner...

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Kimberley French/Summit Entertainment

So what was the most interesting or weirdest answer you heard at your New Moon press junket?
—MDuncan, via Twitter

You mean I have to pick just one? On Friday I sat through an entire afternoon of Cullens, Volturi and Wolf Pack members, not to mention at least one guy with an English accent, leather jacket and stand-up hair.

I think any answer about weird/interesting things said there deserves a Top Five list. At least.

Here goes:

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Columbia Pictures; Paramount Pictures; Universal Pictures

Zombies and vampires, while entertaining, are wearing thin. What do we think will be the new trend?
—Alicia Broun Lamar, via Facebook

We do not think when we are the Answer B!tch. We know. For example, we know that werewolves will make a brief stand in the movie theaters in coming weeks, but they will not represent the real trend going forward.

No. No they shall not. No offense, Benicio del Toro. I am sure The Wolfman will be a howl.

Instead, the winning beastie for the next several years is...

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INFphoto.com

How can mags like OK! publish celeb photos without their permission? Kristen Stewart stated she's sick of herself in all the papers, can't she do something?
—Ana, Vancouver

As oppressed by paparazzi as your favorite Twilight stars may seem—barely able to sparkle in the sun, much less go out for a latte amid all that adoration—there is such a thing as the law.

In short, it protects freedom of expression—including news gathering and photography—from censorship by the rich or powerful. It may be stressful to be K.Stew right now, but it's not the media's job—nor, let's be clear, your job as a fan—to help her have a nice day. Especially given the profession she willingly chose and the wealth and influence it has afforded her.

So what can Kristen do, pinned down in Canada like she is? Behold, her own personalized siege strategy...

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Courtesy of David Strick/Los Angeles Times

What if New Moon is completely bad? Would that mean we never see Eclipse?
—Btny, via the Answer B!tch inbox

I could tell you it's unhealthy for anybody to look directly into Eclipse, for it can fry one's IQ as quickly as one's corneas. But apparently, even this flat-out scientific fact can't kill the Twilight Saga franchise—and I'm trying to help you!

More specifically, box-office analysts say, there are very few scenarios that would even put a fang scratch in this juggernaut—including the movie absolutely sucking. I'll let you decide whether that's good news.

But wait, you may say. There's an actual thing that can make Twilight go away?

What could it possibly be? Well, one guess...

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HBO

Were people always this crazy about vampires, or did it take Stephenie Meyer's PG-rated and Alan Ball's basically NC-17 approaches to make people crazy?
—Eternal High, via the Answer B!tch inbox

Another question aimed at getting me to wax forth on Robert Pattinson. Fine. I've seen Wagnerian operas with more charm than that child. I've seen larvae with more melanin that that child. I've seen cinder blocks more fascinating than that child.

Now, before we go any further, the draw of True Blood should not in any way be confused with Twilight's appeal. People love True Blood because they're almost guaranteed to turn on any given episode and see somebody half nekkid. But it's the utter denial of sexuality in the Twilight series that has made it one of the most successful vampire franchises ever.

Between its doormat heroine, its domineering, borderline stalker of a male lead, and their nearly nonexistent sex life, the franchise is prime fodder for the promise-ring crowd.

But neither of those series comes even close to being the first to mix vampires and sexual issues, not by far...

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Kimberly French/Summit Entertainment; Alan Markfield /The CW

I want to know how the CW can come out with a new show, The Vampire Diaries, that is such a blatant rip-off of Twilight? How can they get away with it?
—kLa, via the Answer B!tch inbox

Actually, if anyone has ripped off anybody in the whole overwrought melodrama high-school vampire genre, it's Stephenie Meyer. Her concept, whose freshness falls somewhere between a four-month-old cucumber and a shambling corpse, debuted in 2005. That's 14 years—years—after an author named L.J. Smith published the first in the Vampire Diaries series.

So will we see any lawsuits over this? Well...

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New Line Productions; Peter Sorel / Summit Entertainment; Twentieth Century Fox

What will happen to Robert Pattinson after all of the Twilight Saga films are done? You think all the obsessed fans will flee him?
—HannahPenton, via Twitter

"Flee," eh? Well, if there's anything a Twilight fan loves, it's overblown melodramatic wordage. Why merely wander off when you can tear through the woods as if being chased by a bloodthirsty high-fashion vampire?

Fans may love R.Pattz now, but kids also used to obsess over Orlando Bloom and Mark Hamill. The indicators for Pattz's future are not necessarily all that solid...

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Jason Merritt/Getty Images; Venturelli/Getty Images; Lester Cohen/Getty Images; Jeff Vespa/Getty Images

Is there any actor in Hollywood who hasn't played a friggin' vampire?
—G.F., Michigan

Between True Blood, Twilight, BBC's Being Human, the upcoming Vampire Diaries and the Anita Blake books coming to the IFC channel, you'd think every actor in Hollywood was shunning the sun and sucking on O-negative. Or at least playing some demonic, blood-craving, vampire-esque critter like Megan Fox is.

Still, there are plenty of actors who have not been infected in unholy ways, and I can give you a list...

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Warner Bros. Pictures, Paramount Pictures, Summit Entertainment

Sign the petition to bring back Rachelle Lefevre to the Twilight movies! The series will die without her, and fans will protest!
—Twiharder

Right, right. Because when The Mummy franchise traded in Rachel Weisz for Maria Bello, the earth bled, and every Pope who ever lived rose up out of the ground and wept. Don Cheadle is replacing Terrence Howard in the upcoming Iron Man movie, by the way. Just in case you want to stage a sit-in outside the Marvel Comics building and give poor old Stan Lee a coronary.

Now listen. No series has ever died because of a recasting. Terrible directing, sure. But not recasting. In fact—here I go! I'm gonna say it!—the Twilight Saga just might be better off ditching Rachel Lefevre in favor of Bryce Dallas Howard, if history is any indication...

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Marion Curtis, Startraks

How can Kristen Stewart complain about Twilight and keep working?
—Brandi, Greensboro

I assume you're talking about the Nylon magazine interview, in which Stewart calls Twilight fans' enthusiasm "thoughtless"? Or how her dad went even further and implied that Twilight is not a "great movie"?

But it's not just Stewart slinging buzzkill. Remember how Katherine Heigl spat on Grey's Anatomy's writers, moaning that her $225,000-an-episode lips weren't getting enough scenery to chew? Or teenage Jessica Biel, who whined about the limitations of her role in 7th Heaven?

All of them are still being pelted with money, thanks. And the main reason is that in Hollywood, what sounds like a complaint is actually a secret code that means something completely different.

So what's the message?

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