ABC; ABC/Donna Svennevik

Something feels wrong in our bones.

At first we thought the vague, nagging feeling was caused by that thing that we lifted that we shouldn't have lifted. Then we realized, no, it's Oprah Winfrey. She's the problem.

She's holding out on us. Has to be. What savvy businesswoman would up and quit a money-making operation?

Unless...

Unless the savvy businesswoman stumbled onto a potentially bigger money-making operation. With a potentially bigger star than her own Oprah self.

Would we dare suggest Oprah's departure from Oprah has nothing to do with literary metaphors (closing a chapter, writing a new story, blah blah blah), and everything to do with none other than Sarah Palin? Oh, yes, we would.

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Too tired to move after inhaling your Thanksgiving dinner? Just watch Beyoncé burn some calories instead.

We wouldn't exactly call it different—or even "a little different"—but the diva's Turkey Day concert special, Beyonce: I Am…Yours promises to be a whole lot of fun.

While the one-hour ABC event mainly consists of footage from Beyoncé's ongoing I Am tour—in particular, her show at the Wynn Las Vegas—fans will also be privy to some behind-the-scenes action, including rehearsals, the artist otherwise known as Sasha Fierce kidding around with her crew backstage, and home video of the 28-year-old hitmaker preening for the camera when she was merely destiny's child.

So it's funny that the night's second act features a fellow who was riling all the single ladies into a frenzy long before Beyoncé ever sang into a hairbrush microphone...

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Turns out ABC had nothing to worry about. After all, it's hard to be raunchy when you can hardly move.

Adam Lambert managed to keep things pretty PG during his performance on CBS' The Early Show this morning, but there was really no way he could have sexualized his musicians and dancers when the stage was so teeny-tiny...and he had no dancers.

Still, the star said he has no intention of apologizing for his much-discussed performance at the American Music Awards and wants to get one thing straight: he and Elisabeth Shue don't have much in common.

For one thing, the American Idol runner-up is no babysitter.

"I'm not a babysitter. I'm a performer," he said.

He continued to discuss the "double standard" that exists between the reactions to him and other pop stars's performances Sunday night, listing Eminem's lyrics, Lady Gaga's antics and Janet Jackson's crotch-grabbing as arguably equally as shocking. He thinks his sexuality may have something to do with it.

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ABC/ADAM LARKEY

Should Donny meet Marie at Thanksgiving tomorrow, the Osmond brother best go easy on the Osmond sister with the Dancing With the Stars trash talk.

See, while Donny owns Marie when it comes to DWTS wins (one versus zip), Marie owns Donny—big-time—when it comes to DWTS ratings.

Last night's Donny-crowning finale fell more than 5 million viewers shy of the nearly 25 million who tuned in the fall 2007 closer, featuring Marie, preliminary Nielsen estimates showed.

But before Marie breaks into a flag-drawing touchdown dance, it should be said that against 2009 competition, Donny's show did just great, averaging a season-high 19.2 million.

Oh, and also, he won the mirror ball, and Marie didn't.

Don Arnold/Getty Images

John Mayer may be the serial dater Twitter king artist you love to hate, but you also apparently love to buy.

As if his ego needed another boost, Mayer's Battle Studies has debuted atop the Billboard album chart, selling a solid 286,000 copies—none of which, we're guessing, were purchased by people named Jennifer, Minka or Jessica.

"Battle Studies is officially the number 1 album in the US!" a surprisingly humble Mayer tweeted. "Thank you from the bottom of my heart!! What a way to spend Thanksgiving."

And most of the days after it. For the Mayer-weary, now may be a good time to turn off your televisions, as he has only just begun the fight to saturate your screens.

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Spending all season craning your neck over the judges' table is good for catching illegal lifts, but not so good on your already arthritic neck.

As Dancing With the Stars' prettiest judge (sorry, Bruno) practices the former and suffers from the latter, Carrie Ann Inaba will be undergoing the first of what may be several surgeries this morning in order to relieve the pressure caused by her spinal stenosis.

"I have arthritis," she told People. "The space around my spinal cord has become compressed. I have been locked. My neck was so stiff. We're hoping this procedure will relieve that.

"I'll be fine and if this surgery goes well, I may have another one in the future."

The curse spares no one, people.

And just like her show's dancers, who know from speedy recoveries, Inaba plans to be back on her feet in no time. Along with fellow cofounders Katie Holmes, Nigel Lythgoe and Adam Shankman, she plans to be in attendance at the Dizzy Feet Foundation's Celebration of Dance fund-raiser this Sunday in Los Angeles.

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You don't have to be working on the dance floor to get injured. Just like you don't have to be a hot young thing to take home the disco ball trophy, right, Donny Osmond?

Wait, Kathy Ireland was on this show? What the heck is Tom DeLay doing here?!

Oh right, the Dancing With the Stars finale is when a whole season's worth of contestants come out of the woodwork and remind the viewers just how right they were in casting these folks aside long ago.

With that behind them, Donny Osmond, Kelly Osbourne and Mya gathered tonight for one last spin around the floor and awaited to hear who would be bringing the illustrious disco ball trophy home for good.

Kelly danced the Viennese waltz more gracefully than ever; Mya brought new sharpness and confidence to her and Dmitry Chaplin's nerd-meets-seductress jive; and Donny performed his Argentine-tango ass off, somehow managing to look intense but not hammy.

But as Len Goodman said earlier, "There can be only one."

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Kevin Mazur/AMA 2009/Getty Images; Barry King/Getty Images

Ojani Noa says he's moved on since his brief marriage to Jennifer Lopez more than a decade ago.

Minus the 12-year-old home movies he's peddling and his desire to make a feature-length comedy that touches on their courtship, that is.

Noa, 35, has admitted to trying to sell footage of himself and Lopez from back in the day, but, he added, there is no graphic sexual activity on the video—and therefore no one should be making such a big deal about it.

"They think I have a sex tape with her and that I'm trying to sell it," Noa says in an exclusive interview with E! News. "My tape is from our honeymoon, the wedding, us hanging out. There's no nudity—maybe one spanking.

"There's moments of her fighting with her mom...couples having fun and kissing. If someone has a sex tape, it's not me."

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Nicole Richie still isn't 100 percent, but at least she's out of the sick ward.

The starlet is still on bed rest as she recovers from pneumonia, but is out of the hospital. She checked herself into Cedars-Sinai Medical Center a week ago to better combat her illness.

"I'd like to thank you all for the kind words and well wishes over the past few weeks," Richie wrote on her Celebuzz blog. She also apologized for missing out on the Nov. 11 launch for her House of Harlow 1960 fashion line at Bebe, as well as the Holt-Renfrew Calgary opening.

"Right now it's important for me to stay in bed and recover," she continued. "Reading all of your messages on Twitter and my website has really brightened my spirits and I am so grateful for the support. I look forward to seeing you all very soon and wish you a happy Thanksgiving."

At least Richie's home for the holidays.

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Nicole Richie shows off her son Sparrow right here.

Apparently, waking up with Glambert is hard to do.

After receiving more than 1,500 complaints from viewers shocked—just shocked!—over Adam Lambert's sexually charged antics at Sunday's American Music Awards, the Alphabet net's a.m. flagship has pulled the plug on tomorrow's planned performance by the American Idol star.

"Given Adam Lambert's controversial live performance on the AMAs we were concerned about airing a similar concert so early in the morning," ABC said in a statement.

The move was to quiet those offended types who apparently let their children watch television unsupervised after 10 p.m.—like the folks in the Parents Television Council, who were among the first to sound off on Lambert's crotch-diving, male-on-male kissing performance.

But while ABC suddenly got a case of the family-friendlies, rival CBS had no qualms picking up the scraps. Just hours after GMA nixed Lambert, The Early Show announced he'd be stopping by their digs on Wednesday for a chat—among other things about his AMA antics,  of course.

And what did Mr. "For Your Entertainment" have to say about the morning-show switcheroo?

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Are you glad Jon & Kate Plus 8 is over? Did you watch Jennifer Lopez fall, or see Adam Lambert get a rise out of the crowd? And why do you suddenly care about Katie Couric? 

The answers—and more questions, about Project Runway, Sarah Palin and more—in the latest TV ratings quiz:

1. So, was it goodbye or good riddance to Jon & Kate Plus 8? It sure didn't seem like the show wore out its welcome. Last night's series finale was well-attended, attracting 4.3 million viewers, TLC said, up 2 million from last week's penultimate episode. When all was said and done and repeated in the tabloids, the show remained a ratings winner, if not the scandal-boosted phenomenon of earlier in the season.

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