The Awful Truth

ONeill/White/INFphoto.com

Dear Ted:
Celebrities may or not be "fair game," but Scientology is a religion practiced by millions of housewives, lawyers, students, firemen, doctors and bricklayers, who say it helps them lead happier lives. Maybe it shouldn't be casually slimed in a gossip column.
—John Carmichael

Dear Slime Away:
Thanks to Tom Cruise, and his surprising spiral, it's hard to take anything he backs all that seriously.

Dear Ted:
In Ian Halperin's book on Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, he says that Angie and her team waged a mean-spirited campaign against Jennifer Aniston and planted stories to the media about how Jen didn't want kids, etc. Do you think this is true? I mean, it wouldn't shock me, Angie does seem to me a manipulative witch and I can see her doing this, just wanted your thoughts. Come on, Ted, please tell me that Angie hasn't changed at all and this "Mother Teresa" persona she wants us all to believe is one big old act!
—Anc

Dear Bitchalina:
Whether Brange planted stories or not, some of those are in fact true. And hell, no, A.J.'s totally saintly, now, don't you know?

Dear Ted:
Stop trying to make Ashley Greene-Kellan Lutz happen. They are not happening for the fans, it's obvious. You refer to her and Jackson Rathbone as ex flames, are they still friends though?
—Bella

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Rolling Stone

Dear Ted:
Megan Fox is awesome. She says what's on her mind. She's hard-core, and she's hot. I don't care about Rob Pattinson, but I'm sure he hit that on the way. There's no way you pass that without even looking. Maybe an asexual? But seriously, Rob and Megan would be damn sexy in a movie.
–Angel

Dear Too Foxy:
Well, according to our source, they did "hit" that! But Rob's not really into the man-eating vixen type, at least not in the long term. And we're not so sure about Meg costarring with R.Pattz, especially not if the Robstenites have any say in it. (And their money certainly will speak volumes to movie execs.)

Dear Ted:
Did Megan Fox lose any points in Hollywood for not being able to open a movie? Jennifer's Body didn't do that well at the box office even with the much promoted girl-and-girl action...
—toocuteboard

Dear Body Bomb:
You better believe Meg's under fire for Jennifer's Body doing badly. What good is an oversexualized sexpot if no one will pay to check her out on the big screen? Think it's maybe because drooling men have seen her for free on the cover of every last magazine out there? But Meg's far from over—as if.

Dear Ted:
Recently it's been reported that Kate Walsh trotted out a new boyfriend at the Emmy Awards, but I have heard rumors that she is a Sapphic sister and her marriage was a sham. So please, tell me once and for all, is that guy her boyfriend or her "boyfriend"?
—tag1723

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Fame Pictures

We always bitch 'bout how many celeb romances are for show or faux. Well, according to one gal who has recently worked with a Hollywood power duo, this par-tick famous pair is in it for the long haul.

Think you know which age-challenged couple actually might beat the odds despite the rumors?

Betchya you'll be surprised at the answer...

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Eduardo Parra/Getty Images; Stephen Lovekin/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
It's interesting to see that so many Hollywood stars cover up the truth, although there are some fans who would still like them for who they really are. My question is, do Tom Cruise and Zac Efron have beards?
—Curious in Calif.

Dear Hairy Question:
Why not ask me what position they prefer when having sex with their partners? Jeez. What I find interesting is that this policing of certain stars' sex lives always seems to revolve around the same crowd, why's that? Is there something they're doing that encourages it? Perfect hair and manners, perhaps? Don't see people poking 'round Russell Crowe's sex life, for instance—and he's played gay.

Dear Ted:
Xavier Samuels has been to two 100 Monkeys shows, so I think he gets along well with Jackson Rathbone. I don't think he's sleeping with Ashley Greene, do you?
—Cathy

Dear Monkey Business:
Well, true enough, Ashley's no Nikki Reed, but she's also no fool.

Dear Ted:
It's been a long time since we've heard anything about Nevis Divine. Does Nevis' current lady know about his bisexuality? Is she bisexual, as well? What's the word for a bisexual man dating a bisexual woman? Brangelina?
—Awful Truth Researcher

Dear Clever One:
Good one! Or quadrosexualism, if you prefer. And the other answer is definitely a yes.

Dear Ted:
I have such a love-hate thing going on with your Blind Vices. I'm obsessed with finding out who they are, and at the same time, I'm disgusted with myself for even wanting to know. I know you can't reveal most Vices, but will you help me get a little closer to overcoming my obsession by telling me if Toothy Tile is featured in your Blind Vice Superstars gallery? And is Rob Pattinson's B.V. Twilight related?
—Way Too Obsessed

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HBO/ Jaimie Trueblood

Ted Casablanca is traveling this week and mail is being tackled by Team Awful—so try us!

Dear Awful Truth:
OK, maybe I'm being way too cynical here, but do you think the timing of Stephen Moyer's engagement to Anna Paquin has anything to do with his desire to stay relevant on True Blood, or maybe to keep Alexander Skarsgård away from Anna, with respect to their Eric and Sookie characters? I did hear that he warned Sam Trammell that he was dating Anna right before their kissing scene in season one. Thoughts?
—Curious

Dear About a Moyer:
Anna and Stephen keep it muy profesionale on that set, and I know that from a firsthand source. As for the future of that hot, fresh-baked Sookie, creator Alan Ball has already said that it may not follow the exact course of the books, which gives me cause to believe that the real-life PaqMo may have definitely had some influence on where True Blood is going.

Dear Awful Truth:
So Horace Hum-Brow is Dominic Monaghan, yes? I noticed you said the other day that if there were to be a B.V. about anyone on the Lost cast, it would be Dominic. I have met him a few times and always got a very strange vibe from him, and I also have always thought his relationship with Evangeline Lilly screamed "beard"—for both of them. Am I right?
—Convinced

Dear Evangelesbian?
Funny enough, I could totally believe it about both of them. But right now, I'm gonna hit both of those with a big ol' "denied" stamp. Sorry, boo.

Dear Awful Truth:
Rob Pattinson is extremely yummy to look at, but we must remember he is quite talented, too. Not just acting, but musically. Any chance his music will be available to the public?
—The Gooches

Dear Two-Fanged Attack:
In due time, Padawan. The cry of millions of fans will definitely not go unheard in this town.

Dear Awful Truth:
Is Horace Hum-Brow Zach Braff?
—Lauren

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Steve Granitz/ Getty Images

What the hell's going on with TomKat lately? The patina on their hot 'n' sexy power-couple existence seems to be dulling, dare I say? It's almost as if Katie Holmes has thrown it in a bit, La Lohan-style, on her film career, and is just trying to salvage any sort of gig she can still book.

Think Nicole Kidman woulda gone anywhere near a reality-TV dance show while she was Mrs. Cruise? Please! She wouldn't have been caught dead from Botox overdose in a non-high-profile project back then—even if it was for charity. In fact, we're shocked Tom didn't pooh-pooh that one right off the bat. Seriously, every smart decision Tom and Katie make nowadays is canceled out by something dubious. At this point, Suri's the only Cruise who hasn't made a puzzling move yet! What gives?

Both parts TomKat keep seesawing between primo and not-so-fab career choices. Katie picked a winner with Batman Begins but followed it up with...Mad Money? And guesting on an episode of Eli Stone (again with the singing and the dancing) is one thing, but inexplicably showing up on a reality-show competition is just embarrassing—especially since it was right on the heels of having proved how excellent an actress she can really be with Broadway's All My Sons.

And for every Collateral or Tropic Thunder that Tommy makes, there's a rather unfortunate Lions for Lambs or Valkyrie. As a result, we can't quite worship TomKat-style like we might prefer to. Tommy 'n' Katie, can you all help us out here, please? Maybe remake Who's Afraid of Virginia Wolf? It put tabloid babes Liz and Dick back on the A-list, Oscar-winning map, remember.

Fame Pictures

Dear Ted:
It is my perception that African-American male stars who have commented on the Rihanna-Chris Brown situation either say it's no big deal or that everyone makes mistakes. It smacks of acceptance of this behavior, and that's not cool. Are they afraid of looking less masculine by admitting this is wrong? Please tell me I'm wrong.
—Jputnam

Dear Political Incorrect:
I don't think race is really the case here. I just think a lot of the people who are commenting have met or worked with these two in the past. Let's pray some justice gets served in the hearings.

Dear Ted:
Do you really think Kristen Stewart was a good choice for Twilight? I've seen some of her other work and she is decent in Into the Wild and Panic Room, but I thought she was a little all over the place in Twilight. I think she can grow into a good actress (nothing like how Dakota Fanning will one day rule the Oscar world), but I think they could've cast someone better to play Bella. Who did you picture in the movie? My thought: Kat Dennings would've been a better choice. I know you can't change actors now, but someone needs to begin working with Kristen pronto if they want the audience to relate to her in New Moon. The next few books aren't as Sweet Valley High and will require much more skill.
—Jenni

Dear CAA:
I don't know if I didn't like Kristen in the movie, or if the budget was too small that it just sucked in general (compared to the books that is, chill Twilighters). I think they should have cast an unknown for Bella.

Dear Ted:
Have you ever been the subject of your own Blind Vice tales? Love ya in Texas!
—Miss Valerie

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Glamour Magazine

Katie Holmes just dished to Glamour magazine 'bout all things TomKat. And while she looked superb, she weirded us out and sounded more like a fan than a wife.

The mag asks Kate about wanting to marry Tom when she was a little girl, and Holmes gushes: "When Top Gun came out, my sisters were like, 'Oh my God, Top Gun! Tom Cruise!' And I very confidently said, 'I'm going to marry him one day.' It wasn't like, How do I get to Tom Cruise? It was just: I think I'm going to marry him. Why not? He'll like me. I'm fun."

Just FYI, Katie-babe, when Top Gun came out, you were, uh, 7 years old. Tom was 23.

However, Holmes added the 16-year age difference was "never a concern." When they met back in 2005, they "both knew." How Cathy Zeta-Jones of her. Our fave quote? Glamour asked what Tom is really like, and the first thing Katie replied was, "He loves women." Good to know, hon!

What do you all think? Is this romance truly as predestined as it's played?

Will Alexander/WENN.com

"It's not like I saw any freaky s--t!"

—Waiter hired for a recent Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes fete thrown at their Bev Hills pad. Said uniformed type was forced to sign a 20-page confidentiality agreement and submit to a background check before he could serve appetizers to TomKat's celeb guests. The overly stymied (but not really!) caterer also told us the posh pair couldn't have been nicer to work for. No Suri clones or S&M rooms in the mansion to speak of—makes ya wonder why they went to such great lengths to keep the inside happenings of the house so hush-hush

Will Alexander/WENN.com

Dear Ted:
You're the guy who knows all. Help me out. Is Katie Holmes truly in love with Tom, brainwashed or using him? I just can't figure out how a good Catholic girl did a 180 in such a short time.
—Kate 

Dear Switcheroo:
But look at her fab makeover? Isn't it worth it? However, Katie's about as brainwashed as Suri, at this point. Translation: Those girls are ruling the roost, not running from it.

Dear Ted:
Do you ever purchase photos of celebrities caught in compromising situations? If so, I have photos of a celebrity who was on The Hills and Laguna Beach holding a bag of marijuana up to the camera. He was just interviewed and asked about Michael Phelps and was asked if there are any bong pics of him "out there," and he said, "No, not me, I am on probation."
—Gary 

Dear Pants on Fire:
You mean celebrities don't always tell the truth? Shocker! It's safe to say when drug related Q's come up the majority of the folks out here have dabbled—and then some. It's Hollywood!

Dear Ted:
Is Schlong Sleaze-Wad Kevin Costner? He had a reputation that he would ef anything among certain Hollywood directors.
—CherylS

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Michael Caulfield/WireImage.com

Eric Bana's always so damn serious in H'wood dramas. But the dude's known mostly for comedy Down Undah—he's practically the Australian Will Ferrell. At the G'Day USA Black Tie Gala at the Renaissance Hotel, we asked honoree Eric why the flip from being funny?

"By the time I finished doing comedy at home, I was pretty burnt out of it, I was doing it for about 12 years," Eric told us. "I'm sure I'll get back into comedy at some stage, dip my toe in the water and get bitten by the bug again perhaps."

E.B. continued: "I did just have a bit of a dabble a couple months ago with Adam Sandler in a film that comes out later this year." That would be Funny People, Judd Apatow's next funny flick. We gotta say, Bana's a helluva lot more fun to look at than Seth Rogan or Jonah Hill, so color us excited for this one.

How about your feelings on Hugh Jackman? Big, brawny and Aussie—seems like competition, dontcha think?

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Frazer Harrison/Getty Images, Jeff Kravitz/Getty Images

While 30 Rock's Tracy Morgan simply could not stop going on to me about meeting Tom Cruise at the Globes—even how much he loved the guy's handshake ("it was warm and firm," Jordan giggled)—others who know the Valkyrie and Tropic Thunder star better were less enthusiastic.

An ebullient Tom Wilkinson, fresh from his John Adams win, froze backstage when asked about his Valkyrie costar.

"He's...charming," Wilkinson told me, hesitatingly, and with a noticeable frown, like he was auditioning for Mean Girls 2 or something.

We pressed on, Any secrets about being on the set with him?

"I didn't spend a lot of time with him," said Wilkinson, who had numerous scenes with Cruise. Nor has Wilkinson even seen the Nazi Christmas movie. Don't you watch the movies you're in, man?

"Yeah, but I haven't seen that one."

Why the hell not?

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