Yesterday afternoon’s press conference finally made it official: Jimmy Fallon will be the new host of NBC’s Late Night, once Conan O’Brien departs to take over The Tonight Show in the middle of 2009. While Fallon’s name has been bandied about for the last few years as a possible heir to the helm, he had to first beat out a long list of similarly unexciting contenders for the gig, the least of which was none other than your own Blogmaster General, Clog Narter.

Yes, you read it right, right-readers, we held the tarnished brass ring in our clammy grip for a few brief moments this winter before the heads of NBC ultimately instructed us to get both real and lost.

Since the dream has irreversibly died, we may as well reveal to you the previously top-secret memorandum containing the entirety of our star-spangled plans for the stillborn Late Night with Clog Narter. If only the imagination jodhpurs of those unnamed television executives had been just a tad roomier, you might have seen the following status-smashing talk-show innovations broadcast directly into your home from an orbiting satellite, instead of from the gray-carpeted cubicle walls of a pallid contract employee's desk.

Ten Amazing Ideas for Late Night with Clog Narter

1. Cohost, Jay Leno.
2. Instead of interviewing celebrity guests, we’ll talk about them as if they weren’t there.
3. New theme song to be written for and performed by feral cats.
4. Recurring bit: “What’s NHL Hall of Famer Ken Dryden Think About That?”
5. A much more relaxed and casual format. No desk, no suit. No audience, no guests. Entire show performed during bath-time nap.
6. Opening monologue won’t just be jokes, it will also include a complete airline safety demonstration.
7. First guest: Alex Trebek. Every other guest: also Alex Trebek.
8. Thursday is 2-for-1 Spaghetti Dinner Night. Kids Eat Free!
9. Opening credits sequence 20 minutes long to weed out the newcomers and looky loos.
10. Possible spin-off: Wake Up! Your House is on Fire! with Clog Narter