FAME PICTURES

Nick Jonas, vocalist in the popular singing group the Jonas Brothers, has taken a sacred vow of purity to remain virginal until marriage, and to hear the 16-year-old tell it, that may not be all that far off. “Marriage is something that's going to happen,” he gushed to England’s Sunday Times. “Music is important, but family is most important.”

Jonas’ eagerness to wed is no surprise to his testosterone, who spoke candidly with Soup Blog reporters on the issue. “Let me tell you, this kid needs to get laid in the worst way,” stated Jonas' testosterone. “I’ve been working overtime on him, and believe me, he’s raging for lady parts. The problem is, he’s got this whole purity fixation, which is unfortunate. He should be out there bird-doggin’ chicks, getting it out of his system.”

The testosterone expressed doubt as to the strength of a Jonas marriage. “He’s so horny right now he’d marry a bald, cross-eyed hunchback just for the sanctioned sex. He’s gonna jump the gun, get hitched, bust a nut with wifey, and then start boffing every stewardess he can get his rich young hooks into. Next stop, divorce lawyer. This is a boy with needs. I oughta know. I’m his testosterone, fer cryin’ out loud.”