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In a move that has shocked and saddened film fans worldwide, actress Gwyneth Paltrow has removed herself from movie star status. The Shakespeare in Love star will be devoting her time to motherhood and the attention of her two children and musician husband Chris Martin. “I haven't starred in a film since my kids were born, and I don't think I will,” stated Paltrow. “I'll never get these days back. They're so delicious and precious, and hilarious, I don't want to miss them.”

Paltrow’s exit from stardom has opened up a vacancy in the ranks of Hollywood, a slot that Rochester, New York, housewife and mother of three Shirley Gibbons is determined to fill.

“I’ll never get these days back,” said a weary, bedraggled Gibbons to Soup Blog reporters as she clutched screaming infant son Rory in one hand and a Doral Light in the other. “My kids have pretty much stolen the last eight years of my life. The crying, the yelling, the nagging…it’s a 24-hour-a-day living hell. I’m totally ready to be a movie star. The huge paychecks, the glamorous lifestyle, the public adoration. These things are so delicious and precious, and hilarious, I don't want to miss them.”