The Awful Truth

Amanda Edwards/Getty Images; Michael Caulfield/Getty Images

Kathy Joosten at the launch party for the new 2011 Buick Regal at the Hollywood Palladium, where cutie songwriter and entertainer Colbie Caillat sang sassy-sweet.

The cancer survivor is fresh off her TV rampage against Suzanne Somers and her "f--king mushrooms" (Somers is currently touring the country selling her book that recommends healthy living and diet over a doctor's guidance for curing cancer). And she spent most of the evening saying the only thing she cared about the Regal was that it had enough room in the backseat for her grandkids.

Sorry, Joosten, we all know you're a pain in the you-know-what, this granny routine's not gonna cut it. Showing a more true display of her infamous image was...

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Fotonoticias/Getty Images

Everyone knows by now that Catherine Hardwicke is crackers. She's got a mouth like Megan Fox, but we still love her, right?

She's always kept it interesting when we've spoken with her, and she certainly didn't disappoint in her recent interview with Time.

Cath says nothing went down between Rob and Kristen during Twilight, but confirms they're giving it a shot now.

Hmmm, you sure about that time line, babe?

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Istockphoto.com

Poor Judas Jack-Off. He now has it as bad as permanently closeted movie star Toothy Tile. Only, I fear Judas is not even pretending to be happy, quite unlike Toothy.

Remember, our very handsome and very unkind Judas is still trying to get the ditched BF to have sex, all the while out prancing to the gullible world with his gorgeous girlfriend—whenever there's an available photo op, that is.

But whereas Toothy actually likes hanging with the beard at home and out with the kids, Judas doesn't, at least not as much.

Maybe that's the reason Judas has suggested to the GF, whom he glumly now lives with, that they should both take up...

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Is John Mayer sick of his womanizing ways? What will Robsten's fate be post-Twilight? All this, plus some delicious Dancing With the Stars scoop in today's high-flying Truth, Lies, & Ted. 

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Kevin Mazur/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
What ever happened to the Lance Armstrong, Jake Gyllenhaal and Matthew McConaughey bicycling group? Was one of the trio not manly enough?
—Poga 

Dear The Three Amigos:
Which one, babe? Jake and Matt's time right now is clearly all taken up by their gals and kids. They're both on tight leashes. Not to worry, though, they still bike 'n' sweat together, just not as often as we'd like to see. And Lance gets in on the buddy action, too, just not as much now that he's rethinking running for political office.

Dear Ted:
Why would celebrities risk their reputation to have an affair with those that will ultimately sell them out to the tabloids? Don't the celebs know that most people who will sleep with them are opportunists?
—Dnnro

Dear Celebs Get Horny, Too:
Who are you talking about anyway, Bristol Palin?

Dear Ted:
So I know that you don't want to talk about Lindsay, but what do you make of Michael's release of the phone calls? Do you really think he has something that will actually make Lindsay get herself straightened out or do you think he is only after exploiting his daughter? He is such a douche, so I wouldn't put it past him to use his daughter for publicity in this way, but I can't help but wonder what we don't know.
—Jryan 

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Men's Health

"It's difficult. And it's definitely important to stay true to yourself and stay close to those people who you were close to before. Family, your friends, and just not let that outside stuff get to you."

—Taylor Lautner, when we asked him how he balances the fans and public with his real persona. Geez, with an answer like this, you'd almost think Tay-Tay was, well, a normal 17-year-old dude or something. That is, until you see the hundreds of fans friggin' screaming his name.

It's more like thousands for R.Pattz—but we could see that shifting a bit after audiences check out New Moon...

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Patrick Ecclesine/FOX

Supercutie Glee star Cory Monteith gave us all kinds of surprises the other night at the launch party for Assassin's Creed 2 (that's a video game, people) at Voyeur. Also, it's not R.Pattz-time or anything, but gotta say we now have a massive crush on the singing hunk.

First off, he's tall. Gotta say, that is impossible to find in this town, trust. And clearly we weren't the only ones who felt this way. The gals blindly flocked around Cory pretty much all night. And, man, was he into them (if you catch our gaydar drift). But more importantly, what did C.M. have to say about that daunting Zac Efron and his High School Musical crew?

Do read on:

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Frederick Breedon/Getty Images

Despite Carrie Underwood's near-Kanye West moment at the CMA Awards last night, gotta say these babies weren't exactly our cup o' gossipy tea, is that putting it delicately enough? Oh, who cares, let's just say we were hoping for a little bit of drama onstage, Underwood quasi-bitch, notwithstanding.

Nevertheless, we had one of our fabulous E! spies out in Nashville who's feeding us all the gab on what you didn't see go down on the boob tube.

Was Taylor Swift as nice as she very much tries to appear to be? And which babe was acting too big for her botoxed-looking britches?

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Stephan Lovekin/Getty Images, James Devaney/Getty Images, Fame Pictures

There's a rather sexy (though often reviled) gal who's currently toying with her latest partner, perhaps in a dubious way.

Her friends are telling us not only does this ultracelebrated babe know exactly what she's doing with her most recent bedmate, but the nooky pro is qualified to start a damn website for how best to use men and women like they're the latest Prada bags, or something.

So which vet stud-eater is it? Think you're so smart, eh?

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AP Photo/Chris Pizzello

"There are many who want her dead."

—Über-connected Desperate Housewives source, who bitched back at me after I bitched that they should knock off Susan (Teri Hatcher) instead of who we scooped about yesterday. Jeez, is this all just because Hatcher refuses to put a morsel of sustenance in her rail-thin bod? I dare say no.

________

Not a DH fan? Here are some other good shows to watch in our 2009 Fall TV Preview.

Suffolk County Police

Dear Ted:
Why is everyone being so hard on Michael Lohan? Obviously leaking those voice mails to the tabloids isn't the best way to go about forcing your daughter to hit rock-bottom, but what else could he do? No other method worked to get her into rehab. Not saying I agree with it 100 percent but hey—leave no stone unturned, right? I say it just may be the push over the edge to get the help she needs. What say you?
—Nichole, Stamford, Conn.

Dear See Your Crazy and Raise You Crazier:
If Michael was really doing it in Lindsay's best interest, sure, I could see your point. But if he really cares he should go over to her house and force the girl into rehab.

Dear Ted:
Was Madonna a subject of a Blind Vice? And do you think Jesus will go Jewish for her?
—Mag

Dear Surprising One:
No, actually, the Queen is exempt. I think Jesus will do whatever the hell she tells him to. He's a sugar baby.

Dear Ted:
I have no doubt in my mind that Robsten is a real couple, and I was loving the hand-holding pics! But their timing for PDA is a little too perfect. I cannot picture Rob or Kristen agreeing to this, but please tell me the paps just got lucky and this was not set up by Summit or one of their reps?
—Sburrow

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Tasos Katopodis/Getty Images

Two of our New Moon faves are Kellan Lutz and Ashley Greene. Lutz, because he's rugged-sexy (more Team Awful's type, sorry Ash) and Greene 'cause she's always such a sweetheart.

With all of the Robsten lovey-dovey stuff, these two babes can get overlooked...which is probably just how they like it.

Seems close friends K & A have just the right amount of fame: They are recognized and can have fun with it, but don't have to stay locked in their hotel rooms.

Let's not forget about Kellan and Ash in our ridiculous New Moon coverage.

Here's what the pair had to say about their star power and inherited fan base, and their witty banter made wonder if there's more there than just being costars?

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