The Awful Truth

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Dang, girlfriend, talk about a walking ad for yoga, cigs and margaritas.

Jennifer Aniston, who loves to blab about how she keeps her body fit through the mental and apparently physical practice (while still not denying herself life's more dangerous offerings, and we're not just talkin' men), was frolicking around Mexico over the weekend with...well, Gerard Butler, of course.

So are Jen and Gerard as hot as her fortysomething body?

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Mischa Barton was spotted getting her shop on at the L.A. Vintage Expo in Santa Monica, and it was a good thing, too. Other fashionistas on-site say Barton looked like hell, wearing baggy Hawaiian print shorts, leggings, a leather jacket and "hair that had been burned by a curling iron."

The former It girl appeared washed up while she shopped the 1960s-era clothes with a girlfriend.

So what made the "actress" throw a total 'tude fit?

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Brian Zak / AP Images; Courtesy: Dolce & Gabanna

"It's not his thing. He's not always on like Taylor is."

—Robert Pattinson insider, when asked if the hunky Edward would perhaps be pulling an SNL appearance, just like his arch Twi rival, Taylor Lautner, did recently. Well, it is a media question worth pondering, considering R.Pattz's Remember Me media tour's about to hit big.

Or is getting grilled by Barbara Walters on The View more Robert's movie-star speed?

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Dear Ted:
Can't see any change in Lady Gaga's weight between April 2009 and January 2010. You are full of bulls--t!
—Anne

Dear Shoot and Kill the Messenger:
She was alive before 2009, you know.

Dear Ted:
I'm done reading the A.T. after your latest post about Alexander Skarsgård. Why do you feel the need to crap all over him all the time? Don't make a joke about you only posting about people you like because this obviously isn't true. This article is a clear case of defamation of character based on rumors you and your staff made up on a slow day at the office. Also, I've never read anywhere that Gaga is considered fat; you made this into a topic. Please explain to me how this is helping the cause? You clearly are a simple-minded douchebag!
—Anne

Dear Anne (Again):
Honey, get back to Reading Comprehension 101. First off, you know very well we adore Skarsgård, still do. Second, we don't think Lady Gaga is fat! Just telling you some behind the scenes chatter. You do know this is a gossip column, right?

Dear Ted:
My first B.V. guess is that Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off would be TomKat. She's from Ohio and Tom is Tom. It would help confirm the supposed business contract that was drawn up when they got married.
—Bob

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Amy Graves/Getty Images; Dominique Charriau/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
What's the deal with Perez Hilton and his attitude toward Kristen Stewart? I get that his thing is to be "controversial" and speak his mind, but he seems to be unnecessarily nasty toward Kristen. By all accounts, she seems to be a down-to-earth and talented young actress. So what's the deal? Is it just that she doesn't kiss his butt like some celebs do, or does he actually have a reason to be crappy towards her? I always find his comments about her to be petty and petulant.
—Jack

Dear Perez Pooper:
For each hater, K.Stew has plenty of fans, so I'm sure she isn't crying herself to sleep at night thinking about Perez's jealous bitching...that is, if she knows who he is.

Dear Ted:
I woke up this morning from a terrible nightmare in which Angelina Jolie was a mastermind bent on destroying me. I think that I ought to turn it into a movie script. I think she'd be the perfect villain. Thoughts?
—X 

Dear Dream Weaver:
Sounds like a case of art imitating life.

Dear Ted:
Drugs, Nudity...and the Jonas Brothers? Was Trace Cyrus right when he said they aren't as squeaky clean as we think they are?
—I

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Secretia Ohio and Chester Shorts-Off are as horny as they are famous—just don't think they're so hot for each other, that's all. Hmmm. Certainly explains some very tabloid-messy love sitches the two have been caught in, more than once.

But let's back up:

Secretia, an impressively put-together gal of verve, good looks and surprising steeliness, has long gotten it on with tons o' guys, even though the public pretty much doesn't know. And some folks were a bit surprised when she married Chester, an incredibly talented dude who's always so busy keeping his gorgeous face smiling, no one's really stopped to think what a slut he is.

But major STD-alert? Man, is he ever:

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Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
John Mayer said recently he was tired of girls with "daddy issues." It seems to me that is the only type of girl who would put up with his crap, particularly after his Rolling Stone interview. Any well-adjusted woman would run screaming from his games—save, perhaps, Taylor Swift? Please tell me the rumors aren't true. He seems so smug as he ruins one woman's reputation after another and Taylor seems naive enough to fall for his smarminess.
—F

Dear Hopefully Not So Naive:
Well this much I have to say: If Tay ditches polishing her new collection of Grammys to hook up with D-bag John Mayer, she won't be getting one of the Love Story romances she always sings about. I'm thinking less glass slippers and ballrooms and more penicillin and ball gags. Could her audience take the Alanis Morissette Taylor? Doubt. Don't think she could, either, pray that babe wises up pronto, though I don't believe she has.

Dear Ted:
Love the article about Tom Cruise's Oscar. Got another wishful thinking Oscar contender for ya: How about our favorite R.Pattz playing Holden Caulfield? I think he would be perfect! I was wondering if it would be any easier to secure the rights to Catcher in the Rye now that J.D. Salinger has passed away. Maybe Summit can put their money bags and masterful manipulation to good use for R.Pattz for a change! And R.Pattz at the Oscars? Hot!
—Jenn

Dear Robert in the Rye:
No plans yet for a Catcher in the Rye movie, but J.D. himself—who made it his mission to keep the movie from being made while he was alive—accepted the fact that there could be a postmortem adaptation. But Summit is going to have to cough up some big-time dough if they expect to outbid the likes of Steven Spielberg or Harvey Weinstein for the rights. Gosh, think they have it? We all know that Rob can play the moody rebel perfectly, so why not try it in something a little more esteemed than the Twi franchise. I, too, see the nominations now!

Dear Ted:
I love what you do and, I must say, you keep me very entertained. I just want to wish you a very hot and steamy night this upcoming Valentine's Day. Also, will that movie Valentine's Day with all those actors be any good? I'd hate to waste money and a good date on it if it's not.
—Narissa

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Will Brangelina set the record straight about their troubled romance? Oh no! Has the media pressure caused Robsten to call it quits? Plus, guess who looked Gaga-gorgeous at the Grammys, and which inept stars need to be examined for fashion disorders?

__________

Catch up on all the Truth, Lies & Ted juiciness here.

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James Franco hitting up the Damien Hirst opening at the Gagosian Gallery in NYC recently.

Franco kept up his Sundance-sexy, as we're told he looked "hot all bundled up."

He also ran into a certain someone in the elevator who intrigued him...

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Will Ragozzino/Getty Images

"I wonder if it's the same Tiger Woods Ambien-sex thing. Wouldn't surprise me a bit. John Edwards is as smarmy as they come and has been for years and years. He totally squicks me out."

—Top (female) Washington insider. She works in the same Potomac circles now kicking out the scandalized Edwards, after, you know, the mistress, the out-of-wedlock kid, the reported sex tape, the cover-up voice mails, the multimillion-dollar conspiracy accusations. You know, just your standard Washingtonian way of life.

Hmmm. Seriously, Johnnie, what is your excuse?

____________

See which celebs get cozy with power in our Hollywood Gets Political gallery.

AP Photo/Stephen Chernin

Enough's enough. What is the friggin' deal with Brad's chin warmer?

Some say Angie's man is doing the whole the mountain-man look for his upcoming film The Lost City of Z, where he's set to play Col. Percy Harrison Fawcett, who went missing in the Amazon back in 1925.

Uh, only problemo?

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AP Photo/Peter Kramer; Ferdaus Shamim/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Can we all just stop for a minute and give praise to Anna Kendrick? She is amazing and more than just Bella's human friend in Twilight. Not only is she on Vanity Fair's front cover with Kristen Stewart, she is getting a lot of praise for her role Up in the Air. I think she is a prime example of how a little screen time on a successful movie franchise plus a lot talent can spring someone into stardom. It doesn't hurt that she also got to work with George Clooney. Wonder who will get an Oscar first, Anna or Kristen?
—Faye

Dear Appreciation:
Both are stars in their own right, and I have a feeling that 2010 will be a great year for each gal. But yes, mucho applause for Ms. Kendrick, who has actually been nominated for an Oscar. Tho, if she'd had more screen time in Twilight, wonder if it would have actually hurt her in the end. Think her two seconds was all she needed to get her foot in the door—and her talent speaks for itself.

Dear Ted:
A good mom? A good mom? You have got to be freaking kidding me! There is no way Angie is a "good mom" like you called her, while she is still on her "mystery diet." Please!
—Ted Lover

Dear Nobody's Perfect:
Angie puts her kids first—think they're about the only thing that keep her from going overboard with that diet. And maybe a reason why Brad is fed up?

Dear Ted:
I'm in love with Ryan Gosling, and I'm pretty sure everyone at the AT is too. Has he ever been a B.V.? And who would you pair him up with besides your coworker?
—Interesting

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