The Awful Truth

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Dear Ted:
I don't know if your latest post (Addictionary) did more good or harm to Kristen Stewart. Bless her heart. That is one tough cookie, and I for one am glad she knows how to use her middle finger. Mine would have calluses by now. This is a lady who will go far in life. She has just the right amount of femininity and kick ass. Rob is one lucky boy!
—Jennifer

Dear Spunky Stewart:
Oh, I know Kristen can handle all the unnecessary crap that's coming her way. I just needed a good word to describe it. She can take everything we can throw, fer sure. 

Dear Ted:
What do you think of Sarah Palin's latest shenanigans? Do you think she really has a shot at becoming president in 2012 or later, like some of the GOP pundits are saying? Or is she fated to become a female Rush Limbaugh? Also any news on why she quit?
—Ellen

Dear Chanceless:
Sarah stands as good of a chance at being president in 2012 as Robsten do of becoming prez and vice prez. Not a bad idea, actually. Should Kristen be president while she lets Rob Pattinson have the easier, cushier time of it? By the way, Palin quit because she's deranged and because she knows the knives are out for her big time, she wanted to head them off at the scandal-laden pass, as it were.

Dear Ted:
My daughter's roommate mentioned today that she gets all of her gossip from Perez Hilton, especially the Twilight stuff. After I calmed myself down and after laughing hysterically, I informed her that his gossip comes exclusively from my main man, Ted, and she needs to get the goods from the A.T. and not some second-hand source. They are only 19, just college kids, but they need to learn gossip the correct way, right?
—Annie

Dear One Way:
I'll let it slide, just this once.

Dear Ted:
Not that she's obligated to the public or anything, and also, I am aware that Farrah Fawcett also died that day, but I haven't heard or read anything from Tatum O'Neal about Michael Jackson's death. If someone writes a song about you, a comment might be in order. Whaddya think?
—Jules

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Jun Sato/Getty Images; Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

We adore the kids from Harry Potter, without question (after all, it's because of H.P. that Robert Pattinson first stepped into the spotlight!). But seeing the gaggle of some-hot, some-not young stars step out at the premiere of the sixth film makes us reminisce of another young crew at a big H'wood opening.

We remember (quite fondly, of course) when our favorite Twilight castmembers made their debut at the premiere of their film last year. In just one picture, there was sex, there was scandal and there was hot, hot, mouth-watering woo, especially between Rob and Kristen, natch.

Sure, the H.P. kids are comely in that wow-look-how-much-they've-matured-since-the-first-movie kind of way; Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe have come into their own and look fresh enough. But where's the smoldering, steamy friction that should be exuding off their bods? Where are the piercing eyes, the sexy smiles and the promiscuous expressions that our Twilight brood has in friggin' spades?

Nowhere, that's where.

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Flynet

Kristin Cavallari and Stephanie Pratt, swooping down on Compartes Chocolatier in Brentwood on a Friday afternoon with—natch!—a camera crew in tow.

Ya think any outings between these two would go undocumented? Unlikely.

A source says K.C. was "supernice," despite her mean-girl reality-TV persona, and added the "superskinny" stars weren't afraid to devour a big ol' plate of chocolates, marshmallows and gelato. Riveting TV, folks, we know you can't wait.

One gal who actually works for her paycheck as opposed to just going shopping was...

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We already told you to skip seeing Brüno this weekend, which has become some big-budget, mass-marketed, pansy-baiting event that misses its main purpose—being funny. Instead, check out the above skewering of Brüno in That's Gay, a minisegment on Current TV's infoMania show, which is infinitely sharper and far less obvious than Sacha Baron Cohen's pandering, schtick-heavy flick.

By the way, gotta wonder how many millions were wasted on making Brüno...

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INFPhoto.com; Terry Richardson for GQ Magazine

The question about whether or not Megan Fox runs her mouth purely for attention got us thinking: Is this girl really that out there all the time? Or is she truly an Angelina Jolie in the making—just one crafty babe who knows how to market herself?

On one hand, M.F. has already been engaged and unengaged to Brian Austin Green, and was mature enough to pick up his baggage. Meg absolutely adores playing mom to Brian's son—which is half the reason they still get together from time to time. Doesn't exactly scream raging, hypersexual bisexual, does it?

So we sat down with our Foxy insider to see what the gal is really like. A slut? A marketing genius? Totally down to earth?

Read on to find out:

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INFphoto.com

Halle Berry, spotted with her whole gorgeous fam in tow in Miami. The Berry bunch hung in the Miami Design District, shopping for furniture. (No IKEA for this couple!)

Halle wore a black sundress, her BF Gabriel wore a gray T-shirt and shorts, but their fabbest accessory was their adorable baby Nahla. They also had a male designer-type with them, showing them around the place.

They were "looking beautiful and super-friendly" in the store, says our source who couldn't get enough of the presh trifecta. When Hal & Co. went to leave, they had to go back inside because it started pouring on them. Are they leaving H'wood and moving to Fla. for good? Why do all the good ones always leave, while Lohan refuses to go away?

 One superstar away from home, too, was...

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No Credit

Our superfamous naughty couple today is by no means as interesting as Hard-Nipple Nick and his megastar wife. Quite the opposite, in fact. Sorry! But get this:

It's high time everybody met Jerry Rock-Butt and Chutney Jones—an insanely gorgeous duo. The stars (one A-List, one B-List, sorta) have been dating for a couple of years now and they're the epitome of dull, dull, dull. Bland expressions when they're out together, same routine dinners, blah blah and more blah. Yech, already.

But it wasn't always that way, we assure you:

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Pool Photographer/Getty Images, Sgranitz/Getty Images

Michael Jackson's dermatologist, Dr. Arnie Klein, opened up on Larry King, doing a horrible job of claiming innocence. "I told him specifically the dangers of Diprivan," said Klein. "I told him this drug was very dangerous. He assured me he stopped." The doc admitted that he used sedatives on Jackson, but never prescribed him anything stronger than Demerol.

So he's saying Diprivan is dangerous, but Demerol's not? Klein's talking about Demerol like it's friggin' aspirin or something. We spoke to Dr. Daniel Landau, M.D., who definitely begs to differ: "I have never used Demerol because of how addictive it is," says Landau.

"You get a high off of it," he continues, saying Demerol highs last longer than morphine, about seven or eight hours. "I'd be stunned if you found a doctor who would give you Demerol still."

Dr. Klein, turns out, is one such doctor. Read on for more shocking info from Landau...

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Just how much skin are Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart going to show in the fourth Twilight flick, Breaking Dawn? And is the always lovely Anna Faris planning to get sexy with her fiancé totally alone…when they elope? Plus, I'm supercranky today with diva Tyra and friggin' Michael Jackson's druggy doctors in the new Truth, Lies & Ted.

Karl/Tony/INFphoto.com, Chris Haston/NBC

All you Tom Green fans out there—and we were made aware that there's a ton of you out there—are apparently resting easy, since reports of Green's death this week are untrue. Tom, 'course, took to his blog to deny he had any part of this rumor, and we sure hope T.G.'s telling the truth that he had nothing to do with this badly timed fib.

We'll give Tom the benefit of the doubt on this one, since he def strikes us as the type of guy who wants full credit for his unfunny pranking, even if it's absolutely atrocious. We may not be big fans of Green's, but good to hear he's still alive!

But if he is lying...

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ODuran/Fame Pictures

You all loved our last Paris Hilton skewering after that total denunciation of sinful oral exploits she shared with the world on Kathy Griffin's Life on the D-List. Well, Kath, the generous babe she is, offered some behind-the-scenes goodies on working with Pare-poo in her too-funny comedy act, which we checked out at Mandelay Bay in Vegas over the holiday weekend.

Kath did commend Paris for being extremely nice to work with, but that's where the compliments pretty much ended:

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bauergriffinonline.com; Steve Granitz/Getty Image; Jim Spellman/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
So handsome, so sexy, so stinky (now that you've started smoking again). You've noted Bradley Cooper, Justin Bartha, Orlando Bloom and Shia LaBeouf as the divine one. Coincidentally, all four of these strapping young men are in the movie New York, I Love You... Can you just go ahead and confirm at this point that Nevis is not in this movie, even if he has been romantically linked with someone in this movie?
—Imqaatdbru 

Dear Nevis, I Love You:
Where would the fun be in that be, honey? But I'll give you something else, instead: The real Nevis Divine sometimes has to use makeup on his bod parts to appear even more real. Get it?

Dear Ted:
Re: Perez Hilton stealing A.T. content. Writing a blurb about this just generates more publicity (and ad dollars) to him, silly. I'd like to see an itemized list of all that he's lifted from you and an estimate of revenue you think he owes you. Or you can promise not to smoke any cigarettes just for today. Then repeat again, tomorrow. I'm not picky.
—Nimue 

Dear Pathetic Perez:
With everything that he's stolen from me, and others, it's too hard to count, but I'm sure the cut of the check is pretty hefty. 

Dear Ted:
While I appreciate your interns' desire to get dating tips, being single myself, I question their choice of informants. Celebrities, really? For relationship advice? I'm sure there are a few celebrities in good, healthy relationships, but the majority seems to be in flings or convenient arrangements rather than relationships. If you want good relationship advice, ask people who have been in a good, long relationship; tell your interns to go interview their grandmothers or some of the older actresses in the Biz, like Joanne Woodward. Anyone who was married to Paul Newman for 50 years probably has some good, sound advice. And please, stop smoking, for the sake of your loved ones. I've lost an aunt and a grandfather to cancer 'cause of cigarettes, and the pain of quitting is nothing compared to chemo and leaving behind the ones you love.
—Cathy 

Dear Dating Disaster:
First off, Taryn Ryder is my capable colleague, not my intern. Second, there are two ways to interpret our celebrity relaysh advice: either follow it in an effort to have the same kind of flingy fun, or listen to it and do the exact opposite. Your call! 

Dear Ted:
Is Nevis Divine Jim Sturgess or James McAvoy? A clue, a hint or an outright denial?
—Jandlinn

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