Mike Marsland/WireImage.comDear Ted:
Would you answer the million-dollar question: Is Toothy Tile gay or bisexual? How about Gray Goose? What is the real nature of Toothy's relationship with his beard?
—Mia
Dear Tricky Tooth:
You mean the one on his face or the one on his publicist’s speed dial? Gay as my vocabulary, darling. Ditto on the real love in Toothy’s life.
Dear Ted:
I have so many questions for you! Is Daniel Craig Toothy Tile? Is Obama going to win? Will Brad Pitt pull a Woody Allen and marry Zahara 18 years from now?
—Jenna K
Dear Lot to Handle:
No. Hopefully. Better not.
Dear Ted:
So with you on the Katie Holmes vs. Nicole Kidman drama. Katie might be getting the last laugh, after all. Saw her on Broadway and she was incredible. Not bad for someone who played Joey Potter. I was too young to see Nicole and her ass on Broadway so I'll ask: Have you seen Nicole when she did her play The Blue Room, and was she as good as Holmes? Do you think Tom was more proud of wifey No. 3? I would think so.
—Taryn
Dear NicoKat:
Didn’t catch Nic on Broadway. Heard her boobs were nice and perky though! And I think Tom is only proud of himself, ultimately. He’s an actor, get real, T.
Dear Ted:
So what is it you really have against Gerard Butler? You never fail to question his romantic abilities. Is it because he is hetero and turned you down? Or is it because Hollywood types are so cynical and crass that they can't deal with a genuinely nice, if sometimes goofy, man?
—Dwitosky
Dear Scot Straight Up:
Gerry never offered; I never asked. And as far as goof appeal goes, give me Pitt any day (as Angie probably will not so far off!)
Dear Ted:
Does Toothy Tile's GF/beard know that he's T.T.? Or if not, that he's gay?
—Pat, Chicago
Dear Loose Goose:
Enough with Toothy! He’s not even that good of an actor, what’s all the damn fuss, already? And, of course, Toothy's woman knows he's Toothy, as well as his mattress persuasions, duh. She's been down this road before, think she'd be over the swinging studs by now, but whatever.
Dear Ted:
I've been bit by a pack of Brangeloonies. Is there an antidote to the venom or am I destined to become a Jennifer Aniston fan?
—Trista, Ohio
Dear Scared Jen:
You could just rewatch the Friends episode where Brad Pitt guest stars and pretend like it’s the good ol' days.
Dear Ted:
Thanks, Ted, for being so supportive of Milk. Much appreciated. I'm looking forward to you seeing the movie.
—Dan
Dear Thirsty:
Of course. Looks fab, hope it’s a ringer at the box office. Will be if I have any say!
Dear Ted:
Is Finnegan Furrow-Brow Zac Efron? It pains me to ask that, by the way.
—Judy, Chicago
Dear Singing the Wrong Tune:
Fab guess. But Finnegan isn’t blessed with such luscious locks.
Dear Ted:
I'm so tired of people making fun of Katie and Tom. Not a huge fan of Scientology, but that's their choice. Can you imagine what would happen if people started printing comments about the Catholic or Jewish religions? The endless jokes? And I agree with you that Mr. Cruise has long been overlooked at Oscar time. Keep up the great writing!
—Janice, Toronto
Dear Tell It Like It Is:
They breed ‘em quite polite in Canada (save those Greeneloonies), who knew? Much thanks.
Dear Ted:
Amiguinhos queridos: no um kiss very intimate para os ho lofotes? que horror!
—hlmll
Dear Linguistic Lost:
Say what?
Dear Ted:
Is Lloyd Boy-Toyed John Mayer?
—Kissthebandit
Dear Not the Tot:
Think much older less doable by far.
Dear Ted:
Does Cheryl Burke sleep with all the stars she's partnered up with on Dancing With the Stars? Is it for publicity or is she just that much of a slut?
—Diane, Augusta, Ga.
Dear Dancing With the Hos:
Oh stop it, you’re just jealous. I am!
Dear Ted:
You're so jaded about celebrity relationships. You seem to think like there's an expiration date to these couplings.
—Dnnro
Dear Downer:
No worries, every day is Toothy Day here at A.T.!
—Additional sass by Taryn Ryder