Morning Bitch-Back! Are People Interested in Channing and Alex's Stuff?

readers ponder just how fascinating Tatum’s stripper life really is

Dear Ted:
Why are they making a movie of Channing Tatum's life? Will people really go see it?"
—Dana Pearce Collier (via Facebook)

Dear Good Question:
The man's actually got something interesting going on: He's a super-talented actor, married, but he's also said he's considers himself pretty sexually open. Also, he did earn money early on in his career as a stripper, and Steven Soderbergh (who knows his way around edgy sexuality pretty well, I'd say) seems to think there's enough interest there for a movie. Plus, Taylor Lautner was dying to play Channing. So obviously, something's up here, babes, and I don't think it's just how well Demi Moore's going to be tipping.

Dear Ted:
I have enjoyed your column for a while. Is Super-Duper Cooper Bradley Cooper from Hangover fame? Say it is not so?
—megkirk

Dear Oh, Please:
Doll, I can be obvious, but not that obvious. Think less gorgeous, but more openly daring.

Dear Ted:
Can you picture Veronica Bee-Stings and King Schlong as a couple?
—Tiffany

Dear Well, Yes:
Because I dare say they want to be!

Dear Ted:
Hope your quitting smoking is coming along well. Just wondering if you felt the same way about this: James Cameron is releasing Titanic during the anniversary of its demise next year in 3D. Doesn't this make you queasy that he's already made a billion dollars off of this tragedy now he's jazzing it up to make more money? It's not like Avatar, this is about the Titanic. Then to open it near the anniversary? I mean, come on, how disgusting can you be? Thank god the last survivor is no longer with us. But their families still are. I guess it's just bothers me that he's using the anniversary of the tragedy and not doing it like in August or something. I don't know, what do you think? A bit much?
—pg

Dear Duh:
When is Cameron not a bit much? His colleagues don't work with him, they "survive" him—so, I'm told from many people who have been under his employ. If that's how he treats the living, how the hell can you expect him to treat the dead any better?

Dear Ted:
Poor Dashed Dingle-Dream even in your Do, Ditch or Marry game, he gets dumped! Exactly what is it about the poor guy that makes him so dispensable? Now that he and Judas Jack-Off are totally over and done with, has DDD found anyone special to give him some love?
—nosykitty

Dear Meow:
Whoever said they were done with for good? Certainly not I!

Dear Ted:
Did you happen to catch the photos of Angelina Jolie leaving the Cannes afterparty? Huge, dilated pupils, empty facial expression, mussed hair. What's your take?
—lieuelle

Dear Poor Pitt:
That this is what Brad Pitt sees far more than do we.

Dear Ted:
OK. How long is it gonna last this time?
—Pratima Mohan (via Facebook)

Dear Tough:
I assume you're speaking of my quitting smoking and not Arnold Schwarzenegger saying he's putting his career on hold (and having it put on hold.) The point is, it takes as many times as it takes, and I make no apologies for it. Go take a nice pill, Pratty.