Dear Ted:
Is King Schlong George Clooney? He's charming, an eternal bachelor...yummy counterpart paraded all over the world.
—A
Dear Repeat:
Sorry babe, as I've said, younger than Clooney. But ya sure have the right attitude. Maybe not quite as devastatingly good-looking, though?
Dear Ted:
Is Priscilla Desert sexually frustrated?
—L
Dear Dry as A...:
Doubtful. Priscilla is very career hungry; she'll sacrifice whatever she needs to get what she wants, even if it's sex. But I wouldn't be surprise if she gives it up and starts kinda slutting around on the down-low. Think she already has, in fact.
Dear Ted:
Does Matt Damon have a B.V.? He seems like he has a potty mouth. Is it true?
–Monkey
Dear Talented Mr. Damon:
Why, yes he does, to both! Vice was a while ago, and Matt wasn't alone in it. Don't freak out though, Damon fans, it's really a fun one. And incredibly licentious, the best combo around! Ben Affleck, are your ears burning?
Dear Ted:
My rescue puppy Neve (who we found on the side of a snowy road two miles away from any civilization) and I would love to know if Marky Sweet-Puss and Super-Duper Cooper have any sort of special relationship?
–H
Dear Matchmaker:
They are acquaintances, yes, but not like that. Think Super is into guys who aren't famous. In fact, we're sure of it.
Dear Ted:
Cass Stimulatia is Tanya Harding! I just read that she's pregnant. It must be her! OK, I'm joking, but perhaps they share something in common? Similar age perhaps?
—Lisa
Dear Ambiti-ass:
Oh, Lisa, Cass would die at being grouped in with her!
Dear Ted:
Believe me, I'm not one of the crazies that go nuts on you in the comments for writing the Nevis Blind, but is there any chance Nevis and Barrington only hooked up a few times and never really had anything serious between them?
–s
Dear Boys Will Be Boys:
As I've belted many, many times, Nevis and Barrington were all about an emotional connection rather than physical. Sure they hooked up, but for them it wasn't about sleazy sex. You be the judge which is more serious.
Dear Ted:
Hope you and the kids had a good V Day! I'm just curious if King Schlong lives a green lifestyle?
—Nic
Dear Green With...:
He's not hurting when it comes to money. That's what you meant, right?
Dear Ted:
Hasn't Super-Duper Cooper pretty much admitted to all of his Blind Vices at this point? And if not, do you feel he would deny any of them? Are you protecting him or his known partners who would be stinky by association?
—Evelyn from NJ
Dear Down 'n' Out:
He has put his foot in his mouth many a times, yes, but he hasn't exactly 'fessed up to making girls poop, pee and do all kinds of other degrading things. And he won't admit to that stuff, either. By doing so, he would burn all the bridges with his famous exes and drag them down in his smelly tales. He actually wouldn't do that. Of course, then there's that career to consider...
Dear Ted:
Is King Schlong Joe Jonas? I thought he'd be joining Nick Jonas as a Vicer pretty soon.
—Hannah
Dear Keep It in the Family:
Not a terrible guess. King certainly can make girls swoon à la Joe. But Schlong is older, and not exactly wiser.
Dear Ted:
Has Kevin Spacey ever been a Blind? I was surprised not to see him in your Blind Vice Superstars. We hardly see him anymore, when previously he seemed to be in most movies. Is he behaving, turned boring or is he being a bad boy?
—MC, your friendly northern neighbor
Dear Since You Asked:
Yes, he's a Vice. But no to ever being a Vice Superstar. He's such a silly, unpleasant man, I would never allow it (and he would get off on the notoriety tremendously).
Dear Ted:
I'm a fairly new B.V. fan, but I'm going to go out on a limb and make a guess (that I hope isn't right!). Is King Schlong Channing Tatum? Ever seen pics of that boy in his undies? Can't say it's totally off the mark! Love from Canada!
—C
Dear Liar, Liar:
Not a bad guess at all, C, but King ain't Channing. Schlong has a much more die-hard following—in and out of his undies.