Steve Granitz/Getty ImagesDear Ted:
Since the news about Michael C. Hall and Jennifer Carpentar broke, I have been trying to find his Blind Vice. Would he perhaps be Altar-Ego Salami?
—Kathy
Dear Does Not a Vice Match:
Sorry hon, Michael is not Altar-Ego. What would make you think that? The Julia Styles rumors? She said herself that they aren't true. Now why don't you believe her?
Dear Ted:
I must say, love your BV section in your BitchBacks! A whole Bitch-Backing about our favorite vicers, giving us more clues to finally guessing those naughty sinners. Speaking of, following your Fernando Tinkle-Treat Blind, one, well yuck, two, this struck me as a man of a certain age. The wording leads me to think that this is a longtime sinner in the Hollywood game, and of certain stature. Would Indiana Jones apply? Hope you keep on giving us what we want Ted, from Twilight to The Shining, you cover it all, and we love you for it! Kisses from icy Montreal.
—Rita
Dear Not Your Mama's Hot Chocolate:
Happy holidays to you R, so sorry to tell you that you're way off track with any Indiana Jones guessing. Think far younger than Harrison Ford. But right idea guessing not AT's typical people.
Dear Ted:
Me-Me Dallas! What has she been up to?
—Sasha
Dear Naughty or Nice:
What's there to say about Me-Me…she's doing what (and whoever) she pleases right now! We picked her name for a reason. It's all about me me me me me with Me-Me. Plus, she's a little Dallas, i.e., tacky.
Dear Ted:
Nelly Fang, Parrish Maguire, Toothy Tile, Nevis Divine, and I feel like I'm missing one... Anyway, are any of these guys actually in love with their beards? If so, which one?
—Nizzle
Dear Man Meat:
That's a hunky group of guys! I'd say Nelly is in lust (and he's not just getting it with the missus) and Nevis is in love. Again, I don't think the typical "beard" definition is correct when talking about Mr. Divine.
Dear Ted:
Are Judas Jack Off and Dashed Dingle Dream Leonardo DiCapio and Lukas Haas? They have lived together forever, and Leo throws Lucas small parts whenever he can. If you don't answer, I will assume I was right. I have 3 rescue cats wanting to know.
—Miss Ann
Dear Bromance:
Not a terrible guess at all hon-pie, but those guys are getting their socks off not with each other. They sure know how to throw a party, though! Haven't you seen the way Leo eyes the ladies when Bar is away?
Dear Ted:
Been a while since you've talked about dear old Fake a la Ferocity—Oh please don't let her know I called her old, she will scratch my eyes out. What has she been up to lately? It seems to me, that she is back to her old Vices and abusing away! Still don't understand how her entourage doesn't do anything about this, she used to be kick-ass hot, but lately, she has become a scary shade of her past loveliness. Wonder how hubby is dealing with all this?
—R
Dear Ho Ho Snowed:
Well someone is feeling mighty confident over there, isn't she? However, can't say your portrayal of La Ferocity is at all wrong. She's looking worse for wear these days. We're almost feeling sorry for the tired broad, and it's certainly stressing out her husband too. As for whether she's back on the hard stuff, the news is not good.
Dear Ted:
I know you think it's an act, and a pretty good one, but seriously—why would Marky Sweet Puss continue to make a complete idiot of himself by singing the praises of his horrible wife if he didn't mean it. Why else would anyone deliberately choose to make themselves look p*ssy-whipped and needy?
—Kate
Dear Simple:
Because, Marky feels like he owes all of his success to Cruella St. Shackles. He's an idiot. He attributes his fame, career and health to her, so loyal he will be in the press and (for the most part) at home.
Dear Ted:
Has Garrett Hedlund been a Blind Vice?
—Lance
Dear Country Weak:
Nope! Garrett is one to watch that's for sure, and we don't mean with Vicey habits. Boy is way talented and from what we hear, a total sweetheart, so here's hoping he doesn't stay so fresh and clean!
Dear Ted:
Love you, and been a long time reader of the Awful Truth! I was combing through the archives the other day and saw that Michelle Williams had a Blind Vice. Any clue as to what hers has to do with? And was Heath's or her Blind Vice the reason they broke up? My rescue pup Scout sends kisses to your adorable pets!
—Cate
Dear Up The Creak:
She's not that big of a Vice star, to be quite honest, but, yes, MW's Vice had something to do with Heath's, albeit in a much less dynamic fashion.
Dear Ted:
Happy Holidays Ted! I just have one lil question. I am new to BV but is Chester Shorts-Off really Michael C. Hall?
—Psyche
Dear Wrong:
Negative. Jennifer isn't involved in Michael's Vicey doings. She's not an idiot.
Dear Ted:
I am a mother of 3 kids that are 3 and under. The only thing that keeps me sane is reading your column. Please answer this for me. Do Jackie Bouffant and Brock Rock Buns hang out (intimately or not)? Also, do you assign BV's to people or people's names? (for instance if someone were to change their name would you give them a new BV?)
—Ltrain
Dear Nice Try:
If by hang out, you mean hook up, then that's a no. And no.