Dear Ted:
Am I the only reader who understands Harry Potter is so much better than Twilight? I'm so bored by those vamp-tramps, Kristen Stewart included. Give me dirt on real Hollywood celebs. What's up with Emma Watson and Daniel Radcliffe? Any chance they could be a real life couple?
—Down with Twilight
Dear Likes ‘Em Smart:
Daniel Radcliffe is the coolest dude about his love life—he doesn't mind people thinking he's gay, straight or into transsexuals. He's comfortable in who he is, which is hooking up with any chick he wants. Daniel's stated repeatedly he's single; though, we hear that's not exactly true (in the lonely in bed sense). Emma, on the other hand is a bit more conservative, choosing the traditional boyfriend route, having opted for financier Jay Barrymore and musician George Craig for various runs. Truth be told, Emma's mostly into cutting loose (and her hair) with her girlfriends at Brown. And yes, Daniel and Emma did have a thing at one time. How could they not? But that ain't happening again.
Dear Ted:
I don't know whether to call this a tip or a bitch or both! Why would Chris Pine be out with Olivia Munn after she screwed him over?I'm fervently hoping he's moved on to better girls (or guys).
—E
Dear Munndane Match:
E, I wish Chris were—even secretly—into the fellas 'cause he is one of my fave hunks in H'wood these dates, but he's Blindly into the ladies. Sad for all of us, I know. And I don't think C.P. has too much ill will towards Olivia. She's harmless. Well, mostly harmless.
Dear Ted:
Do Crescent Kumquat and Twyla Babe-Sucker know each other...intimately?
—S
Dear Cres Fallen:
I'm not sure you could have found a more random match, babe. Come to think of it, I'm not sure if they know each other at all.
Dear Ted:
I'm really pissed at you, Ted. I'm not surprised you ignored my first email that naming a Blind Vice Chiquita and using the term as the equivalent of an ethnic slur. Recently you wrote that you're gay so you're going to protest gay jokes. Well, guess what, I'm going to protest Hispanic slurs. But it seems when the shoe is on the other foot, it's OK as far as you are concerned. Every time someone writes in guessing about "Chiquita" it pisses me off even further. BTW I see the nut jobs have taken over the Bitch-Back commentary. Serves you right.
—Pat
Dear Sticks and Stones:
First off, Pat, who even said Ms. C was Hispanic? Maybe she just likes bananas. And even if she were, your argument that Chiquita is as bad as homophobic or racial slurs is BS. The translation isn't even offensive, never mind the connotation.
Dear Ted:
LeAnn Rimes has been getting a lot of flak and that does not seem likely to stop even though she and her partner Eddie Cibrian are now engaged. Some people still have unkind things to say about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. Where, then, I ask, is the love for good moral folk like myself who is conspicuously refraining from wrecking the home of the talented and hot William Fichtner even though you yourself, Ted, commented on the sizzling chemistry I share with him? How does a good girl get some attention? Even payments of as little as one hundred dollars from everyone who would speak ill of me if I were to follow my inclinations would put me in a nicer car at least which does not seem too much to ask for as virtue's reward.
—Dianes45
Dear Searching for the Spotlight:
Dianes45, I think you know exactly how to get attention. And sure, you might be a little bit completely cuckoo crazy, but Team Awful wouldn't have it any other way. I'm just surprised old Willy Fitch hasn't realized the gem you are himself.
Dear Ted:
I'm bummed because my boy-toy ditched me for a relationship—I'm happy for him, but slightly annoyed I've got to look elsewhere. Would you mind cheering me up with Grey Goose gossip?
—Ms. Murph
Dear Goose on the Loose:
G2 has been playing it (impossibly) low-key with his bearded lover lately. Nothing unusually interesting with him and Toothy either, since T2 is up to his awful antics around town. I'm much more interested in your love story saga, no matter how sad it ends.
Dear Ted:
Are Strawberry Snort 'Em and her dude from the B.V. still together, or did he send her packing? Does he know about her affinity for all things white?
—TW
Dear Strawberry Fields Forever:
They're as together as they ever were. Take that how you will. But he definitely didn't give her the boot, whether that means he knows she enjoys the naughty nose candy from time to time or not.
Dear Ted:
I keep seeing Carrie Underwood all over the place lately, and most recently at the CMAs. I know she got married, but has she ever been a Blind Vice? Does she have anything that could make her one?
—Lu
Dear Under the Vice Weather:
Nope, Carrie is nearly as squeaky clean as her sassy cowgirl spurs. If she's got a Vice, she's damn good at keeping the barn doors closed.
Dear Ted:
I'm devastated over Demi Lovato entering treatment. I always thought her to be so sweet and wholesome. Are there any Disney starlets that aren't on a downward spiral at a tender age? Why are they in such a hurry to grow up, and why does growing up mean hitting the self-destruct button? Haven't these girls been paying attention to what has happened to Britney, Lindsay and countless others?
—A
Dear Disney Gone Dud:
But look at how famous Britney and Lindsay are, A! Which is exactly the way some of these Disney darlings see it. Others just are unlucky and fall into the fame trap way too easily. It's to be decided with Ms Demi.
Dear Ted:
Instead of "Jaylor," how about "Swyllenhaal"? The latter nickname rolls off the tongue nicely, makes me chuckle and of course, leaves no doubt who the celebs are! Thanks.
—Oyce
Dear Name Game:
Ick, can we just not give them a name at all? Though, I don't mind Swyllenhaal—bizarro but I guess it does kind of roll of the tongue. Maybe. Plus, I guess "Jaylor" is officially Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene.
Dear Ted:
When E! Online posts stories about celebrity relationships that you know are Blind Vices, don't you just itch to "out" them? Or do you just chuckle because it gives you more fodder for your column?
—Curious in Atlanta
Dear Extra! Extra!
Sure, especially when I see celebrities being hypocritical with their relayshes, I'd love to call ‘em out on their crap. But at the same time, it gives me a little bit of naughty joy that I know they'll get an extra-awful Vice written about them.
Dear Ted:
Could Maribeth Bush be Jane Krakowski? I don't know much about her, but between Ally McBeal and 30 Rock I'm not too impressed.
—Callie
Dear Rock Out With Your Bush Out:
How dare you insult Jenna Maroney! She's my fave character on the show—hilarious, I think and pooh-pooh to you for not thinking the same, Callie. So no, she is not our daunting diva Maribeth. But really good guess, nonetheless.
Dear Ted:
I was looking at pictures of Sam Worthington, and damn he is hot. I know that he may has a girlfriend, but what do you think if he and Jennifer Aniston get together? They would make a great couple. Jennifer likes her privacy, and he seems a very private person—besides both of them are smoking hot. So what do you think Yay, they are perfect together, or nay, they don't match?
—A Cute Fan of Sam
Dear Worthingston:
Nay! Definitely not a match made anywhere near heaven. Sure, they both more or less like their privacy, but they go about it in completely different ways. Plus, these two get all hot and bothered in completely different ways.
Dear Ted:
Who would have Vicier stuff you could dish on: Michelle or Barack Obama?
—StatCat
Dear When the Oval Office Is Rockin':
Oh, please. The one who hides it all so much better: Michelle.
Dear Ted:
Has Miley Cyrus called or visited Demi ever since she went to seek treatment?
—NileyLove
Dear RSVP Requested:
Probably not. She may have issued a press release, though.