Bitch-Back! Who’s Hollywood’s Perfect Blind Date?

Readers set up celebrity couples they think are perfect

Dear Ted:
Just saw one of Taylor Momsen's music videos and I thought she and Nick Jonas would be perfect for each other! Seeing she's not shy when it comes to talking about her sex life, maybe she could teach him a thing or two and leave him in the dust like he did with Selena Gomez. Or is that too much drama for one half of Niley?
—Michele

Dear Make Me Wanna Die:
Far from perfect, M, 'cause Taylor is totally not Nick's type (and we're not just saying that because we're Team Niley). See, Nick likes his gals semi-naughty behind the scenes, and Tay just isn't as badass as she'd like you to believe. Not like Miley, at least.

Dear Ted:
Just a random thought for an off-the-charts hot couple: Alex O'Loughlin and Jennifer Aniston. I know, Aniston would be best off with an unknown, successful banker or tycoon type, but come on: Alex, in Hawaii, one of Jennifer's favorite beaches. That man is too hot, the luscious lips, the crazy laugh and great body to match. What do you think oh all-knowing guru of Hollywood? Can the universe make that happen?
—Rita

Dear Team O'Loughniston:
Actually, Rita, don't mind that twosome too much. They're obviously both totally gorge, so they have that in common, and Alex is one of those über-chill Aussies who loves hitting the beach as much as Ms. Aniston. Could work. Hey, maybe they'll bump into each other at the SoHo house sometime soon.

Dear Ted:
What are your thoughts on the supposed relationship between Chace Crawford and Kelly Osbourne? I don't think she's good enough for him, although I know he's no saint. But I just don't think they'll work out, because they're so different. Just look at their outsides: He's so damn hot and she's so...not.
—Nikki

Dear Kelly Green With Envy:
I'm sure these two could totally hang as friends, but I don't see it going anywhere romantic. Both are mellow (kinda) but are looking for totally different things in a relaysh—and no, that's not saying anything about either of their looks. I think Kelly looks quite fab most days, you?

Dear Ted:
I was elated to discover Ian Somerhalder has joined the grand ranks of A.T.'s B.V.ers. Can you tell me, does he have any costars within his B.V., and because I know you love him as much as we do, give a little hint as to what the nature of his Vice is? My shelter tabby Hobbes says hi! P.S. Thanks for the swag goods! I won the #CozyMom gift pack for the True Blood Tweet contest! I haven't heard from anyone though! I tweeted @theawfultruth...guess I will have to wait.
—Tara

Dear Biting Blinds:
It doesn't involve him in any sexy biz with his costars, if that's what you mean. I've already told you that he and Nina Dobrev aren't canoodling between takes—same goes for him and the rest of the cast. Congrats on the win, doll, we'll have your goodies in the mail ASAP. Enjoy!

Dear Ted:
Can't have dogs at my apartment, so I can't satisfy your needs on that count. But maybe you'll still satisfy mine with an answer to these queries: Is Pepper Harthman currently involved with another Blind Vice? If so, could it be Charmaine Chuck-Up?
—X

Dear Feeling Peppy:
Interesting guess. Care to share why you think Char has anything to do with our horny athlete? But no, Pepp is into girls outside the limelight. Totally a Tiger Woods move, dontcha think?

Dear Ted:
Is there anyway you could provide a glossary of terms to your new readers? There seems to be a lot of repeated jargon, which I have tried to catch on to after a few posts, yet I still feel like I'm on the outside of an inside joke.
—Emily

Dear Webster Who?
If you're drawing a blank at whether douchethrob is a noun or adjective, or what the heck invitation muscles are then I suggest you peruse the Addictionary. Otherwise, Em, send me some of the lingo that has you baffled, and I'll decode it the best I can.

Dear Ted:
In your recent Bitch-Back you said you favored Robert Pattison over Alexander Skarsgård—are you serious? I mean, are you going to say that Taylor Lautner is hotter than Joe Manganiello? I think you need to rethink your answer to that question, just saying.
—doli

Dear Vamp Victor:
Serious as silver chains and cement, babe. It was a tough call, but R.Pattz had been my fave long before A.Skars popped up on my vamp radar. Both are totally hot though, fair enough? As for the battle of the weres, obviously I pick Joe M. and his drool-worthy invitation muscles. Wouldn't anybody?

Dear Ted:
I am a new reader of the Awful Truth and I am absolutely addicted, I can't get enough! I especially love your Blind Vices and my current obsession is Oded Good-Head. So I was wondering if you could give us any clues as to who the guy was that was being pleasured by Oded? Well if you answer my question or not I think you're really great and good luck with anything you do.
—LM

Dear Heading Out:
Oded's dudes are mostly fans, regular guys who were probably shocked—but oh so pleased—to discover OGH liked boinking boys on the side. It's @carayzcoochie who's the famous gal you'd know of.

Dear Ted:
I find it funny that Tim Gunn's comments have been so controversial. Anna Wintour isn't exactly selling herself as Anna From the Block—if she wants to have a bunch of firemen carry her down the stairs, then by all means do so. I'd probably do the same thing if I could get away with it. If I were her, I'd be more embarrassed by her patronage of Blake Lively than some mild story about her divaness.
—Bridget

Dear Wintour Wonderland:
Totally agree, B. Think the whole thing is silly—clearly Anna does what she wants and isn't that why she's so damn interesting (and, uh, terrifying too). As for Blake, say what you want, but she can wear the hell out of a designer dress.

Dear Ted:
Do Jake Gyllenhaal and Kirsten Dunst still talk? Are they on good terms?
—Dana

Dear Done With Dunst:
They're friendly, D, but they don't go out of their way to chat. Definitely good terms, though. Unlike, say, Jake and Reese.

Dear Ted:
I can't believe you characterized Angelina Jolie as needing to put on a pound or two! Are you kidding? She is a feeble skeleton with skin stretched over it and that's with the 10 pounds the camera adds. She needs to gain more like 30 pounds. She has six kids, so however she's losing weight, it's not a good thing!
—SB

Dear Weighty Subject:
I was trying to be polite, babe.

Dear Ted:
What's the deal with Claire Danes's face these days? I practically didn't recognize her at the Emmys!
—H

Dear Claire-ly Something's Up:
I thought she looked gorge at the Emmys, and not at all plucked and pumped like some of the other attendants. Maybe it's just the Latisse that's throwing you off.

Dear Ted:
Lindsay Lohan has tested positive for cocaine and other illegal substances. Let us not waste time on her trashy mother and her own stupid lies, you know from where all the talk came out, let us concentrate on the idiotic judge and doctors who not only let her out early, and had even given more excuses for her actions. Lindsay Lohan isn't thumbing her nose at the "justice system," she is quite bluntly flipping us the big ol' bird. Straighten up and get help already!
—Rita

Dear LiLo-Balled:
And we'll see how Judge Fox handles that bird on Friday. But isn't this whole ordeal starting to get just sad. Clearly no one around the babe has the balls to tell her she's out of control. But maybe this time the judge will finally realize that a couple of days in jail and an afternoon in rehab won't cut it.

Dear Ted:
What do you think is going through Tony Dovoloni's (from DWTS) head right now? After the emotional abuse he went through with Kate Gosselin (minus her eight), he must be thanking his lucky stars for Audrina Partridge, who seems not only sexy but sweet too! Must be a nice change for the unlucky but subtle charmer.
—Rita

Dear Dancing With the Duds:
I'm sure Tony's thrilled to shimmy the diva matriarch away, but I hope he's not expecting to have too many...um, deep conversations with Ms. Patridge between attempts at the tango. She is sexy and supersweet though, you've got that right.

Dear Ted:
It seems that everyone who has ever even heard of Rob and Kristen has been asked about one or the other in interviews lately. I'm shocked Obama hasn't been asked if he prefers scruffy Rob or clean-shaven Rob. Has Michael Angarano ever publicly commented on either half of the It couple. I can't imagine he's never been asked. It appeared to be a real-life Twilight love triangle back in the early days. Do they ever run into each other around town? They seem to have a lot of mutual friends and/or acquaintances. How awkward would that be? Is there any dirt to dish or is it all very civil?
—W

Dear Angaran-Oh No:
M.A. has too much class to diss his ex. Plus, even with all that went down on the Vancouver set, he and Kris split on good terms. No need to bad-mouth her, really.