Who does Lindsay Lohan think she is, former bestie Paris Hilton and her stupid I-thought-the-coke-was-gum excuse? It was hard not to feel a little bit of sympathy for La Lohan when reading her big Vanity Fair interview. But we got over that real quick.
You see, Lindsay is the same as ever—the girl's one excuse away from getting out of gym class for good.
Fresh from V.F.'s fabulously written gospel of Ms. Lohan (cheers to the author, Nancy Jo Sales), we've extracted Lindsay's most intriguing excuses to add to our ever-growing list.
Who said the chick wasn't good at thinking on her feet?
1. "I have to support myself. I have to pay for my apartment. I have to pay for food."
Lindsay missed seven of her court-ordered classes on alcohol education, insisting that she thought she could make them up at her leisure. But it also implies that missing the classes was key to her survival. Somehow, we think making time once a week for a class isn't going to deplete a food or money supply—especially when you're making as much money as Lindsay. If that were the case, college students would be starving in university libraries, living off sips of Red Bull and half-eaten bowls of Easy Mac.
2. "These were my college years. But they were in the public eye. I was irresponsible. I was experimenting. I was doing certain things that people do 10 times more of when they're in college. And I'm not making excuses..."
We're sorry to say, but we have two interns here at the A.T. who are in college, and neither of them 'fess to knowing anyone who does 10 times more [insert Lindsay activity of choice here]. Jaded Linds is using the old "other people are doing way worse!" excuse, which doesn't really help her case. The girl who got a DUI and the boy who got 10 DUIs both still got DUIs.
3. "Everyone I knew was going out, so what was I gonna do, sit home by myself?"
Hard-core partying never looks good on anyone, especially not on club haunter Lohan. But does Lindsay really expect to get sympathy for her clubbing ways by playing the lonely girl card? We should feel bad that she just can't stand it to stay in and watch a movie! No, no, no! If she's going to keep her friends, she must not sit home by herself! And how dare we expect her to!
4. "I was 18, 19—with a ton of money—and no one really here to tell me that I couldn't do certain things..."
Chalk this one up to tugging out heartstrings. We actually think this one's less of an excuse and more of a pained confession. Lindsay, sadly, never had a stable support system. As the article goes on to report, Lindsay's temper tantrums would result in mom Dina doing "whatever she wanted her to." Score one on the accurate excuse chart for Linds.
5. "I was young and curious and thought it was like, OK, 'cause other people were doing it and other people put it in front of me."
It's probably true. But life is full of peer pressure, and one can only blame others for one's misjudgments so many times. After all, it's one thing to have something put in front of you once, but every repetition becomes more and more the fault of the offender. Dabble away, Lindsay—it's understandable, given your precarious position as a youngster influenced by the perils of Young Hollywood. But know that it ain't just other people to blame.
Bonus!
6. "'I think the root of her problem,' said one of her friends, 'was every single person telling her how amazing she is, kissing her ass all the time. It was like, If everyone thinks I'm the s--t, then I must be.' "
We're including this one, by one of Lindsay's anonymous pals, just because of how true this must be. Lindsay, baby, we understand you more and more each day.