Bitch-Back! Did Nelly Fang Out Herself?

Readers wonder if they’ve discovered Nelly

Dear Ted:
You've told us to think outside the box so... Is Nelly Fang Anna Paquin?
—S

Dear Fanged Female:
You're definitely thinking outside the box, but a bit too far. While it is totally cool to have a positive role model for bi-babes (and dudes, sure)—because let's be honest, Tila Tequila wasn't cutting it—Anna is not our vampy Vice.

Dear Ted:
I was pleasantly surprised (to say the least, I may have actually screamed a bit!) when Stephenie Meyers announced the release of her novella The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. But I thought she said she was done with vampires. Does this mean she'll be inspired enough to finish Midnight Sun?
—Twi-Crazy Canuck

Dear Minority:
Seems most people weren't so pleased to hear the news about her recent book—at least, not when they want to sink their teeth into a book from Edward's point of view. But as for S.M.—Stephenie Meyers leaving vampires would be like…well, Stephenie Meyers leaving money. She's riding the vamp train all the way to the bank.

Dear Ted:
Who is really America's Sweetheart? Jen Aniston or Sandy Bullock? Is being cheated on a pre-req for that title or does it just make America love you more?
—Jen

Dear Pick One:
America's Sweetheart, 'tho singular, isn't a title only one gal nabbed, but it's the type of ladies that America loves for good, old-fashioned reasons—à la Jen and Sandy, as well as Julia Roberts and sometimes Reese Witherspoon. As for cheating, not necessary but it definitely grabs some sympathy.

Dear Ted:
I was this close to feeling sorry for Cruella. I really thought she was finally done with bad boys and I felt bad she had to pay for her hubby's slipup, but now that I hear she is still up to her bossy diva ways, will Marky ever say he's had enough and split?
—Ash

Dear Marriage Crisis:
Don't count on Marky kicking Cru to the curb. He's got a pretty sweet situation going on—you know, getting to nail dudes on the DL while seeming so happily in love with his significant other. Plus, he totally knew what kind of lady CSS was when he got involved.

Dear Ted:
I'm the proud mama of a rescue rottweiler named Phoebe! And trust me, she's a handful! Perhaps you could answer me this: Is Nevis Divine a moley dude? Because a Nevi is a mole. It might be reaching, but since you're so clever you never know!
—Katherine

Dear Academia:
How very scientific of you and way to be creative. But can't say the dude's skin is any more molier than any other folk.

Dear Ted:
Are Josh Duhamel and Fergie really the "happy couple" they seemed to be during award season and while promoting their movies? Is Fergie really believing that Josh did not cheat? She seems way too savvy to be that dumb! Is this just a show until her tour is over, and then she can end the marriage when they are not in the spotlight? They seem so mismatched, and I totally believe he is a serial cheater. Or has he changed his ways?
—Candi

Dear Trouble In Paradise:
Of course they're not as frickin' perfect as they want you to believe—but who in H'wood is? I do have to say, kudos to the couple for being able to stay under the radar while they worked things out post Strippergate.

Dear Ted:
I pray that both Sandra and Elin get tested for every type of STD out there; especially with tattooing and no raincoats involved. Which brings me to my question: With all the risky multiple partner sex going on in the celebrity world, there must be an epidemic of STDs too, right? Do these fall into your Blind Vices?
—Jazz

Dear Ick Factor:
I don't think all of Hollywood is as gross as these two dbags are, but that doesn't mean there aren't plenty of docs on call for penicillin shots. But c'mon, if you're going to be a cheating jerk, at least use a condom—who knows where these skanks have been?

Dear Ted:
So Moisty has a big head, does well the "ladies," overcompensates like some short guys, and lacks discretion. Are you trying to hint he's somewhat vertically challenged? Is he Chelsea Handler's BFF Chuy Bravo?
—M

Dear Sexy Sidekick:
While M2 may not be the tallest of gentlemen, he's not Chels's shortie sidekick—'tho Chuy and Moisty are both known to do quite well with the ladies, despite what others would think.

Dear Ted:
I don't watch The Vampire Diaries but when I see Nina Dobrev and Ian Somderhadler doing press, I can't help but wonder about these two. Do you know if there is anything going on between them? Or perhaps a future hook up?
—Melinda

Dear Kissing Costars:
You're not the only one hoping for a bit of off-screen canoodling—especially if it just so happens to be around the flashing photogs. The CW would love it if these two snuggled up.

Dear Ted:
I love you Ted and all of the other Niley fans, so tell me please—since there have been conflicting rumors/reports—does Niley still talk or are they mad at each other and not speaking? We have had no real Niley news in a long time. Also are Miley and Liam mostly for publicity? You think Niley will be together again?
—D

Dear Heartbroken:
I wouldn't call it quits on the Niley saga, but right now Miley is totally head over heals for her Aussie hunk. And can you blame her? While the JoBro may be cute, Liam is quite the stud.

Dear Ted:
So do you think Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen will ever make it to the altar?
—MD

Dear Wedding Woes:
Sure—but with each other? Highly doubt it.

Dear Ted:
First of all, let me start by saying Ted you are the man! Now down to business, is it just me or does that Justin Bieber kid sound like a girl at the beginning of his "Baby" song? Just sayin. Keep it real, Ted!
—Julie

Dear Girlie Girl:
Makes sense—the kid is barely out of diapers and already hitting the "rap" scene.

Dear Ted:
I got to say, I'm done with the flip-flopping on Nikki Reed. Like calling her lonely and labeling her a skank and then saying she unfairly got a bad rep. I agree her rep was unfairly given. But a lot of it was because of you and your team. People for someone reason have become emotionally attached and think that if they watch a few interviews they automatically know what went down on the Twi sets. It's sad, so once and for all, no vague speak, what do you think about Nikki Reed?
—AD

Dear For The Record:
Sure, I've poked at the babe in the past, but she's beyond talented and obviously super sexy, so you can't hate her for that? Well, you could but it would totally just be because you're jealous.

Dear Ted:
What is wrong with Stephenie Meyers? Is she so out of touch with her fan base that she doesn't realize that no one cares about the life of Bree Tanner, however brief it might be. True Twihards want her to finish Midnight Sun. C'mon Stephanie, we've been loyal. Bree Tanner, are you kidding me?
—Chris

Dear Setting Sun:
Hardly—S.M. knows exactly what her fans want. Why do you think she's so hesitant to release it? She needs something to make sure the Twifans keep coming back for more—plus, when parts of the book leaked she was handed a lame-ass excuse on a silver platter.

Dear Ted:
I am 17 years old and I love Twilight. My question: Is Robert Pattinson doing the movie Breaking Dawn, because a friend heard that he wasn't. Is it true or not?
—Katie

Dear New Edward:
HA! Don't make me laugh, Katie. Summit had Rob locked in for how ever many Breaking Dawn movies they'll make before Twilight was even released. He'll be back, you can count on that.

Dear Ted:
With Tiger Woods and now Jesse James going to sex addiction rehab, do you really think there is such a thing—especially with these guys—or an attempt for some sort of positive publicity since they were getting sliced and diced by the media and public? Men (and women) have cheated on their spouses for centuries, suddenly, now it is an addiction, especially among the famous and only after they get caught. I think it is a bunch of hooey!
—CB

Dear Doctor's Diagnosis:
Sex rehab—at least the one Tiger and Jesse are claiming to attend—would better be called Douchebags Annonymous. Of course it's only for PR—and possibly to get in good with the wifey. Haven't you heard the saying "you're only sorry because you got caught"? Duh.

Dear Ted:
Brad's fugly beard...this is one time when being gay may do you a disservice, Ted. You won't have firsthand experience with the way a man gets passive-aggressive with his bitchy mate. Of course, Angie hates the beard. Short of shaving it herself, Brad will keep it until he feels victorious. So what do we think will happen first? Brad shaving or Brad splitting from Angie? My bet...the beard comes off when he finds a new love.
—Kate

Dear Hairy Situation:
Wanna bet? Trust, if Ange wants the beard gone, she'll get her way.

Dear Ted:
It makes no difference to me whether an actor is gay, straight, or in-between, but I understand the fear closeted actors may have of public opinion. I'm wondering if C and D-list celebs are just as worried about what coming out will do to their careers as A and B-listers? I was just thinking that some D-listers especially might actually benefit from the extra publicity of coming out. Thoughts?
—K

Dear Stacking Up:
Just as worried if not more—hey, what's a D-lister's biggest ambition? To become an A-lister.