Bitch-Back! Boys Will Be Boys Will Be Boys

Readers analyze some titillating guy-on-guy relationships

Dear Ted:
Taylor Lautner and Matthew Morrison were sitting next to each other at the Weinstein G.G. afterparty...?
—Jas

Dear Party Spy:
What are you trying to say? Can't vampire lovers and Gleeks all get along? Besides, don't they all look so...cute together?

Dear Ted:
I heard that Chace Crawford and Matthew Morrison went to some awards show afterparty together. What do you make of that?
—Dorothy

Dear TV Lover:
Matthew's just making the rounds in this Bitch-Back today, huh? Apparently they're friends. They were spotted a few times together over the weekend. Think all of these Glee kids are just milking their newfound fame? I think it's more than that, and obviously, so do you.

Dear Ted:
You asked your readers some time ago what was so special about Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki. Now you're featuring them in your blolumn daily, which as a fan, I love. It does make me wonder if you do like them at all though. Or since they're not one entity after all, whether you like even just one of them? Even a bit?
—Concerned reader

Dear Curious:
I love what my readers love, and there seems to be this insane fascination with these two. That couldn't possibly be my fault, could it? Besides, they're cute as hell, and they're not afraid to (almost) kiss in front of the cameras. Who wouldn't get behind that kind of kinky love?

Dear Ted:
I am really anxious for news on Breaking Dawn. I'm having mixed feelings on whether it should be one or two movies. I can't decide what I think is best. Do you have any idea which side is winning so far and when we should have any news? And please tell more about Nelly Fang! Is it Ian Somerhalder? Warm? Cold? Thanks!
—Rafaela

Dear Vamp Lover:
Personally, if there was a way to do just one film instead of two, I think it should be one. No need to drag it out. Let's let the actors get on with their careers! As for Nelly, great guess. But not quite warm enough.

Dear Ted:
Are you an entertainment blogger or a news brainwasher? Stick to the entertainment that you are good at. Leave politics alone because so far NBC, CNN and MSNBC are all being controlled by the Obama government. Sarah Palin is more qualified than Obama. Obama has done nothing but spend, spend and spend. He never had a private job and yet he is telling us how to create jobs? At least Palin had jobs before getting into government. You are a good entertainment reporter. Don't get me wrong, I like the stories you do on the Twilight saga, but come on, didn't they teach you words are just that—words? If you don't like Palin, fine. You want to believe lies about her, fine. Don't spew lies about her, because when stuff hits the fan, everyone will look stupid.
—Danny

Dear Tina Fey:
This is you, isn't it, darling? Good one!

Dear Ted:
Just wanted to comment on Rob Pattinson. I notice from certain clips of interviews that he's always checking out Kristen Stewart. I think that's cute. I mean there are probably a hundred girls that he could notice, but when she's near him everyone else seems to disappear. Although sometimes he's looking a little too hard at her and then I see his little "friend" trying to catch a peek too.
—SVSMP

Dear Sexy Spy:
Totally not shocked. Kristen's got a nice little booty that any guy would be lucky to stare at! 

Dear Ted:
Were there any surprises for you at the Golden Globes? Anybody you thought should have won and didn't or vice versa? I'm curious to know your opinion.
—Olivia

Dear Golden Girl:
Tons. Was a bit surprised Avatar won best picture, totally shocked Robert Downey Jr. got best actor in comedy, pleasantly stunned Glee actually won best comedy and didn't see Julianna Margulies winning at all. How's that?

Dear Ted:
I read in Us Magazine a few weeks ago that Kate Bosworth and Orlando Bloom ran into each other at the Chateau Marmont and he joined her on the dance floor. Us reports Kate was shaken up because she is still pining away over the pirate hunk. After four years can this be true? Is Kate still not over him? He's hot but, four years later?
—Endrid

Dear Pirate Lover:
I don't think Orly is "the one that got a way" regarding Kate. And as for someone who has spotted Bloom busting out moves on the dance floor in person, he would probably dance with a wall. Don't think there's much more to it than old friends running into each other. Kate knows it too. 

Dear Ted:
About Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner: He did not attend the Globes with her and is seldom pictured with her and the kids. Is there trouble there?
—Jamie

Dear Absence Analyzer:
Clearly you must be new to this blolum. Uh, duh. 

Dear Ted:
Is Steve Carell the Stinky Carrot-Crotch? If not, how far back do we need to go to find a Blind Vice?
—Curious

Dear Sherlock:
Way off—bod-wise, at least. Right genre, though.

Dear Ted:
I'm the rare breed of chick who enjoys sports, and I definitely get more than my fill, thanks to my Neanderthal boyfriend. I know you've said recently that Tiger Woods had never been a Blind Vice, but do other athletes ever getting starring roles? I suspect Lamar Odom has recently been a supporting actor in one. Other athletes that I get a weird vibe from: Mark Sanchez, Tony Romo, Tom Brady, Kobe Bryant, Michael Phelps and Derek Jeter. Am I totally off?
—C

Dear Patient GF:
Phelps yes. Sanchez...not yet. Brady's stuff is pretty public. Kobe came clean before we got a chance to make him a B.V.

Dear Ted:
I have to get something off my chest, Chloë Sevigny acted like a total bitch at the Globes. She also didn't act all that gracious when she won. It was as if she expected to win. I liked her up until last evening, but now I'm totally over her. Am I wrong for seeing it all that way?
—Brittany

Dear Dressing Down:
Sweetheart, Bitch-Back is your column, where you are never wrong.

Dear Ted:
Why does Jeff Bridges talk like he has no teeth? And why does he look like a mountain man? Just wondering.
—Lynn

Dear Hygiene Enthusiast:
He's at that point in his career when he can pretty much do whatever the ef he wants. Loosen up.

Dear Ted:
You've created another addict. I'm a straight guy who frankly couldn't care less about who a person decides to diddle. People are people, although the Depeche Mode reference might not help my straight case. The closeting system in Hollywood intrigues me from the standpoint that "the talent" is really powerless in the grand scheme of things. The power brokers determine who you are and how you are presented. That being said, what percentage of major household names in movies and television would you say are 100 percent straight and not a victim of closeting (male and female)?
—Reilly

Dear Inspector:
I'd say 20 percent. That's being very generous (because you brought TV into it). 

Dear Ted:
It seems more and more like Nick Jonas has a thing for getting back with his exes. First he was "reconnecting" with Miley Cyrus during the summer, and now he has been spotted several times with Selena Gomez. Care to share on the subject? Is it possible that their young love has been rekindled?
—Lindsay

Dear Tween:
Don't expect wedding bells anytime soon. Niley is far from over.