The Awful Truth

Tony Barson/Getty Images; Edward Opinaldo/PacificCoastNews.com

Dear Ted:
Can we take a break from the teenage heartthrobs for a bit so I can inquire about a serious actor? One of my faves actually...Benicio del Toro. Ever been a B.V.? Any dirt? I realize he's not the young star du jour (hello R.Pattz) but he's an Academy Award winner and talent is still sexy...right? Thanks!
—Charlotte 

Dear Old School:
Yes, the muy talented Oscar winner is not only a Blind Vice alum, he's also a notorious worshipper of supersexy chicks who wear ever more superhigh stilettos! What is about high heels that turn straight guys on so much? Do they secretly want to wear them? 

Dear Ted:
So first, I wanted to congratulate you for your column, I check it every day. I don't know if this has been asked before but is Toothy Tile Chace Crawford? Because he kinda has the gay vibe going on, doesn't he?
—M_adriana

Dear Chace-ing for T.T.:
Wrong vice for Chacey!

Dear Ted:
I noticed that some of the gossip sites have picked up on the comments made by K.Stew about "I'm with him, I'm not with him, I'm a lesbian"...implying that she is, in fact gay. Do you think she will have to fess up one way or the other? Will Summit wring her neck for that statement? The suits must be s--ting a blue bean. By the way, you seem happier, I am happy for you.
—Sally 

Dear Swingin' Stew:
No, must say, ever since the Summit switchout everything seems to be rolling much smoother over there—which means happier talent. Kristen says what she wants, they know that, it's why we all love her. And, yes, I am happier, much. Who knew life went on after divorce?

Dear Ted:
I'm 20 years old and didn't think Miley Cyrus' behavior was all that bad until I saw my 10-year-old cousin emulating some of the moves from her "Party in the USA" video. Then my opinion took a bit of a 180. Is that hypocritical?
—Flip-Flopper

Dear Bye-Bye, Miley:
Not hypocritical at all, that's why we point out the gyrations Miley has going on. Because, you know, she's just such a great role model for her itty-bitty fans—not! 

Dear Ted:
After seeing that new interview with Robert Pattinson, I think we should all pretend to be Team Taylor, so he will have to take his clothes off. What do you think?
—Mcdixie

Dear Nakie Robbie:
Anything that'll get him to strip is fine with me.

Dear Ted:
If Rocky Trailer is who I think it is, then this person is brave for coming out as bi. It's kinda lonely out there for that particular demographic just yet. People can be judgmental, even when bisexuals (like this one) are in opposite-sex relationships. Rocky, though, seems able to brush things off with a great sense of humor. I just want to say thank you, Ted, for your positive coverage of bisexuals and sensitivity about (especially young) people coming out. Not gonna name names, but there are some gossip columnists who aren't as thoughtful as you about those two things.
—Guessed Who, Don't Sue

Dear Rocky Road:
Of course, babe. Always a pleasure. Now, who do you think Rocky Trailer is?

Dear Ted:
Thanks for using my Nicole Kidman comment. You could bounce a quarter off that forehead of hers! Anyway, you know this Terry Tush-Trade Blind Vice is causing people to lose sleep, right? I know you do, because you are the devil and we're your helpless minions! Aaagh! So, TTT=Jackson Rathbone? A simple yes or no will do. Yeah, right!
—Bubble

Dear Curious About Terry:
No. And, contrary to popular belief, Lucifer is not my real name.

Dear Ted:
What's up with Ashley Greene and Jackson Rathbone frolicking in the latest issue of Glamour U.K.? I was shocked when I opened the magazine. Is that how you kiss your friends nowadays?
—Leslie 

Dear Jackley on the Rise:
Don't you always carry a little flame for conquests past? Lighten up.

Dear Ted:
I just watched Taylor Swift on the CMA set with Def Leppard. Granted, Miley's a lot younger, but damn, Taylor looked like a wannabe tramp! Totally not the right vibe for her.
—Bluiz

Dear Bad Girl:
I thought she looked totally fine, and no matter what, Miley will always look more tramped up them my girl Tay! Oh, and for the record, was totally indifferent on Swift before SNL. Now I love her! This is why we want R.Pattz on there, dammit.

Dear Ted:
To begin with, I thought Nikki Reed was OK considering she had to work through some difficult things in her past. And it seemed that she was a friend, or whatever, to Rob during and after the Twilight stuff. But now, whenever she is asked something that has to do with Rob, wow, she sounds a little bitter and nasty—in between the lines, mind you. Is it all about not getting Rob? If so, why does she still seem to love Kristen Stewart so much? (She said she would pick Kristen to be with on a desert island). Can you give us some more insight on this subject, please?
—Kriszo

Dear Nikki Gone Wrong:
Maybe she sounds a little bitter because she gets the same questions asked like everyday? Maybe she's sad Rob snatched her precious K.Stew away? Of course, she is.

Dear Ted:
For those betting on a Johnny Depp-Angelina Jolie hookup, I say, don't put your money on it. Angie is too much of a badass for him—he seems to go after waiflike girls (Winona, Kate Moss and Vanessa Paradis). Even if Angie is thin as hell, she still looks like she could give him an ass-whooping.
—Wanted 

Dear New Wave of Thinking:
And Depp isn't a badass himself? C'mon, look at him! And maybe he's gone for the "waiflike" girls in the past, but who knows, he could be looking for a little ass-whooping in bed, and Angie would be the one for that. 

Dear Ted:
I'm wondering if you have any advice for a young, gay, aspiring journalist. I love the Awful Truth, and though I'm not sure Hollywood or pop culture topics would really be my niche, I've got to admit I'm a sucker for gossip and your site. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated. Much love!
—Jacjac

Dear Gonzo Gay:
Have an "affair" with Jennifer Aniston, clearly. That'll get you everything you need, and thanks! 

Dear Ted:
Will we see Joe Jonas in any movie or TV roles in 2010? He keeps mentioning he wants to pursue acting roles. Will his onstage energy translate well into acting?
—Alaska 

Dear Oscar for Jonas:
Pretty sure he's still going to be doing the whole Disney thing, prob another Camp Rock of sorts, not sure about real movies though. And hopefully we keep it that way (meaning not in movies).

Dear Ted:
What do you think about Taylor Swift's SNL appearance? The Taylor Lautner mention and then the Twilight thing? Do you think it was a desperate attempt to keep rumors going?
—Court

Dear Tay-Tay Is a No-No:
No, I loved it. Any celeb who can poke fun at herself is OK by me.

Dear Ted:
Is it the Chris Brown (the Rihanna beater) doing "Forever" on The Office wedding episode? I hope not. If so, why no recoil?
—Mmr 

Dear No Worries:
Yup, his song did play in The Office wedding, but no worries, they don't support his actions or anything, they were just imitating the awesome dance wedding on YouTube.

Dear Ted:
About three times a week we're treated to a pic of a declining-in-popularity celeb and their kid in a "local park." Can someone please tell Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale that we all know they live in a billion-dollar home with a killer backyard? Are they all just hoping to keep their names in the press? They are one degree of separation from the Gosselins.
—Belse 

Dear Random Comparison:
Honey, no one is as bad as the Gosselins. You gotta keep in mind that H'wood followers love seeing celebs they know with their kids.

Dear Ted:
After watching the Whitney Houston/Oprah interview, I'm not entirely convinced that Whitney's over Bobby. Do you think she still has feelings for him, and will they get back together?
—Mook 

Dear Lusting for Promiscuity:
Doubtful. I think Whit has Britney syndrome going on. 

Dear Ted:
Is Sandy Boob David Hasselhoff? Thank you!
—New A.T. Fan in SacTown

Dear Boob be known:
Close, but wrong! Guess again. Think much younger, far less offensive. 

Dear Ted:
Which do you think Santa is more likely to bring me this year: A threesome with Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer, or really obvious clues about Nevis Divine? (P.S.: Give the canine Casablanca a hug from me.)
—Omnivorous 

Dear Trying Too Hard:
Nice try, buddy, but I ain't giving you an obvi clue, that's just silly! So I guess you have more of a chance for that threesome?

_________

Who's Toothy Tile? None of these guys, that's for sure!