The Awful Truth

Helene Wiesenhaan/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
After seeing Brüno, I can understand why some people don't think it's funny, and why some think it may reinforce some of the prejudices held by the ignorant among us. However, my theory is that this type of humor is not for most people. I think that Sacha Baron Cohen = John Waters + Andy Kaufman. And really, that's not for everyone. Personally, I thought the movie was hilarious, and I am 10000 percent LGBT friendly. Saw it with a gaggle of my gays and they loved it, too. Then again, we love Waters and Kaufman. Hope you are smoking less these days and healing from your loss.
—Anna in Texas

Dear Different Strokes:
Maybe SBC's third film will please both of us? If his mockumentary schtick isn't stale by then. Cohen just may be too famous at this point to go undercover, too!

Dear Ted:
I was very moved by what Brooke Shields said about M.J. The two obviously had a beautiful friendship, and her words seemed far warmer and more sincere than many "tributes" I've heard. Maybe she should be the one to raise his kids—she seems more genuine than most of the people up for the job.
—picklefeet

Dear BFF With Brooke:
Brooke's got her own kids to worry about—plus, as many forget, they hadn't seen each other since the '90s. That said, she prolly would be the best parent for the job in this whole mess. Tragic.

Dear Ted:
Like everyone else, I have jumped on the Twilight bandwagon and have recruited many of my friends and family as well. Needless to say, I am a huge Robsten fan! Anyway, I believe they are together and wonder what it would take for them to admit it? What do you think? I am dying to know for sure, but on the same hand I wish for them their privacy. I'm sure a lot of fun comes with their rapid fame and fortune, but as we have seen with some of our favorite celebrities, it's not all it's cracked up to be.
—Amy

Dear Robsten Reveal:
We've said before, it's gonna take a perfectly timed photo of the two letting their guard down and smooching—or after all the Twilight flicks are over and out. Which do you think will happen first?

Dear Ted:
I started reading your column mostly because I loved all the Gillovny hullabaloo several months ago. Can you take a two-minute Twilight reprieve and dish on them a bit? Old or new gossip—doesn't matter.
—deannagmcdonald

Dear Ex Files:
At the moment, David's concentrating on the woman he's married to for a change. Stay tuned!

Dear Ted:
The only thing that really gets me bothered about Twilight is noticing how in every picture Kristen Stewart slouches. She slouches with uncharacteristic enthusiasm. It takes quite an effort to stoop your head and hurdle your shoulders toward the floor like that. It makes her seem nothing if not dowdy, yet I know she is a beautiful woman. I know I sound like my own mother, but it is irking me to no end. There has got to be a way to look cool, disengaged from the "scene" and laid-back without crumpling your body like a 12-year old.
—Sara

Dear Back Problems:
What do ya want her to do, balance a book on her head and enroll in etiquette school with an on-set tutor? K.Stew would look more relaxed if she was comfortable in the spotlight, which she so is not. Would you be if every last set of eyes was staring at you with jealousy that you get to be with their dream Pattz?

Dear Ted:
Longtime reader, first-time writer. I've tried other bloggers—but it just hasn't been the same. I adore your pithy natter and while I don't always agree, I admire that you take a stance and can eloquently defend it. Just wondering whether you were paid royalties from Joss Whedon for his blatant rip-off of you for Lorne on Angel (RIP Andy Hallett).
—Liv

Dear Stolen Stuff:
Perez would still owe us more money than Whedon for all the bits he's lifted off us.

Dear Ted:
In your recent video you said there are going to be a lot of hot and steamy scenes going on in Breaking Dawn. Did you mean the love scenes for example in The Notebook with Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams? That for sure blew my mind right out.
—hotchoco

Dear Undressed for Success:
I mean whatever it takes to keep people on the edge of their hot 'n' buttery seats, by installment No. 4. And trust me, it's gonna take a whole lotta delish bedtime Robsten butter, at that point. I know it. The producers know it.

Dear Ted:
Don't you reckon there is a strange, creepy and uncanny resemblance between Jon Gosselin and the infamous Pregnant Man?!
—Koren

Dear Overbreeding:
By George, you're disturbingly accurate. What if those two got together? I guarantee it would wind up on TLC.

Dear Ted:
Which song did Michael Jackson write that is about Tatum O'Neal? Thanks and keep up the great work.
—2kjmom

Dear Music Muse:
M.J. allegedly penned "She's Out of My Life" for li'l Miss O'Neal. Gotta wonder what kind of song would he write about her now if he was alive today.

Dear Ted:
We have to discuss Camilla Belle. What is her deal? She's probably one of the best-looking girls in H'wood, and I know she was fooling around with Robert Pattinson for a while. Now she's dating Joe Jonas? Really? Something is fishy about her, but she intrigues me! Any scoop?
—Tay

Dear Belle of the Ball:
She might be young, but Cam's been taught to surround herself with all the most wanted men in H'wood, clever girl. She's like the mini Megan Fox, no? Which would make her a tiny Angelina Jolie. Someone should make Russian nesting dolls of those babes!

Dear Ted:
Has anyone considered Ryan Reynolds as Nevis Divine? He looks all painted up for his next project.
—Sally

Dear Not So Divine:
I can barely keep track of every guess bitch-backed to me, but rest assured Ry's free from Nevis' vices. Mr. Divine ain't hitched, even though you'd barely know R2 was by the way he keeps it hush-hush.