Tip of the hat to Stephen Colbert.

Despite the tragic number of Canadians he'll be forced to deal with, the funnyman announced Monday that his show will become the primary sponsor of the U.S. speedskating team at the 2010 Olympic Games in Vancouver.

The Colbert Report is stepping up in light of the recent stepping down of DSB Bank NV, which is normally the team's largest source of cash flow but was forced to declare bankruptcy last month.

"I shaved my entire body so I was more aerodynamic for my report on speed skating," Colbert wrote on Twitter this evening.

The team's uniforms will be emblazoned with "Colbert Nation," and the Fauxpublican talk-show host is asking his loyal fans—the very ones who helped him get a treadmill on the International Space Station named after him—to contribute funds via www.colbertnation.com and www.usspeedskating.org.

"My character sees the Olympics as war, but nobody gets hurt," Colbert told the AP before tonight's episode. "It's a way to peacefully figure out who has got the top country...[The process] still tragically involves a lot of Canadians. It's kind of unseemly how many Canadians I'm going to have to be dealing with."

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What's better than constant LOLing? A frightfest, you say? Like the one in our Famous Festive Fiends gallery?

New York's most valuable player? With all due respect to Derek Jeter, we're going with Jay-Z for trying to psych out the Phillies with a performance totally supportive of the home team.

The Yankees lost Game 1 of the World Series, so what better way to rouse the team than Hova's single "Empire State of Mind" featuring Alicia Keys. One of the best songs on The Blueprint 3, it's as iconic as Frank Sinatra's version of "New York, New York."

Seriously, with an opening act like him, the Yankees have no excuses for losing (not that they had one anyway with their expensive roster).

Even with bad sound we're pretty sure Jay-Z was happy to stick it to the Phillies. Which is probably why he didn't do "Run This Town" instead.

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You know what baseball gets us thinking about? Football.

It's hard out there for people who were once kinda famous and now want to cash in with an earth-shattering tell-all. Ever since Mackenzie Phillips and her shocking incest announcement, everyone else has had to step up their secrets game.

In his autobiography, Open, Andre Agassi tries really hard to bring the drama, but the People preview of the tennis star's book goes more like this:

So you hated tennis but your father pushed you? Eh. That crazy mullet thing was actually a hairpiece and you were prematurely balding? We need more. You and Brooke Shields never worked as a couple? Yawn. Oh wait, you dabbled in crystal meth?! Shut up! Tell us more.

While it's no Jodie Sweetin "I snorted meth at an Olsen twins' movie premiere" revelation, it's still a crystal meth story...

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Andrew H. Walker/ Getty Images, Sol Brown/ Getty Images

We'll call this one love-all.

We may not have even cared known that they were dating, but Rescue Me's Jennifer Esposito is going to tie the knot with tennis star turned reality-show love-seeker Mark Philippoussis.

"They are happily engaged and enjoying their time together," a rep for Philippoussis told People.

There's no word on a wedding date just yet, but it'll mark the second trip down the aisle for Esposito—who, for the briefest of flashes, enjoyed life as Mrs. Bradley Cooper—and the first for the consonant-favoring Aussie sports star.

The duo got engaged over the summer, which, incidentally, seems to be the most productive season for Philippoussis' love life. Just two years ago, he starred in NBC's reality smarmfest Age of Love, in which he was tasked with choosing a ladylove from one of two groups: the kittens or the cougars. He chose the former.

But seeing as how the 32-year-old athlete opted this time around for a (slightly) older woman in 36-year-old star of Rescue Me and Crash, he's clearly learned from his mistakes.

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Check out which other celebs have taken the marital plunge this year in our Celebrity Weddings 2009 gallery.

NBC Photo: Paul Drinkwater

Caddyshack, Happy Gilmore…Missing Links?

Even if you don't spend all your time watching the Golf Channel, you still have to be pleased Steve Carell has decided to make a comedy set in the world of golf, according to the Hollywood Reporter's Risky Business blog.

Why? Because as those other movies prove, golf can be really, really funny. (The Legend of Bagger Vance, notwithstanding).

Based on a novel by ESPN's Rick Reilly, Missing Links features a foursome who conspire to graduate from their shoddy municipal course—one in which an elevated train passes through—to play at a fancy-shmancy local club nearby. Hijinks, we imagine, ensue.

Can't wait to see who accidentally gets hit in the groin first.

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Who else is going to work? Check out our Casting Couch gallery!

Jean Baptiste Lacroix/Getty Images

Could Khloé Kardashian be the next million-dollar baby?

Well, depends on how badly someone wants the chance to beat the stuffing out of her.

The newlywed, sister Kim, brother Rob, stepdad Bruce Jenner and  Kourtney's boyfriend, Scott Disick, are gearing up for next month's Kardashian Charity Knock Out, in which all five will spar with whoever kicks in the highest bids to try to keep up with a Kardashian (or Jenner or Disick) in the boxing ring.

"My first initial thought was 'Are you serious?!'" laughed Khloé, recalling to E! News how she felt when she first heard the idea. "But then I slowed my thoughts down and heard it was for charity. So I started asking questions, but I was still nervous.

"I mean, who willingly wants to get hit in the face with others watching?"

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AP Photo/Gary He, Hannah Mason/Getty Images

UPDATE: Sure enough, the complications that arose from having Limbaugh onboard have prompted the group of investors he was associated with to drop him.

"It has become clear that his involvement in our group has become a complication and a distraction to our intentions, endangering our bid to keep the team in St. Louis," St. Louis Blues chairman Dave Checketts said in a statement. "As such, we have decided to move forward without him and hope it will eventually lead us to a successful conclusion."

Divisive-comment monitor the Rev. Al Sharpton called the decision a "moral victory for all Americans."

"This decision will also uphold the unifying standards of major sports," he said.

During his radio show earlier today, Limbaugh said that his naysayers were part of the "ongoing effort...to destroy conservatism."
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As far as the NFL is concerned, singing and dancing around in your delicates makes you much more qualified to own a football team than waxing blowhard ever will.

Sorry (but not that sorry), Rush Limbaugh.

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