The Awful Truth

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You've heard about Nicole Kidman, the United Nations's fancy-ass Women's Goodwill Ambassador, testifying to congress about violence against women, right?

Uh, yeah, great point, Nic.

But who's gonna testify to congress on behalf of photographers and journalists who get beaten to a bloody pulp by celebrities' goon-guards? Not into that bit of charitable mouthing off, are ya? Obviously not, since you've never, ever spoken about how badly your bodyguard messed up that pap—despite butt-loads of requests from us to explain it.

This is Hollywood at its best: Scream out to the world, with perfect curls cascading down around your perfectly powdered forehead, about the atrocities of the world while you're participating in one that approaches the same level of inhumanity. Oh, but that's right—we journos don't count, do we? We're scum. We deserve what we get because we sought to make more famous a person who chose to become a public figure?

I love the way you think. Oh, and that's irony, darling Nic—you know, like saying The Stepford Wives was your best work.

________

Nicole isn't the only one on a goodwill kick. See who else is in our Do-Gooder gallery.

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Just like all the Jennifer Garner supporters out there, we're seriously wondering how John Mayer has any fans left—any fans who know anything about the dude's personal life, that is!

We can see how somebody would be into him just 'cause of his music or maybe his looks. But the gross guy's personality seriously stands in our way of liking him at all.

Mayer was interviewed by New York Magazine's Vulture column, and he proved his douche-throb status and then some: In just a few responses, Johnny called the reporter a moron and told him to "shut your f--king mouth," referenced his penis, showed off his ego by admitting he's "really f--king good" at playing guitar and topped it off by saying he was going to "forcefully sodomize [the reporter's] editor."

What the hell is wrong with this guy?

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President Obama's expected to sign a hate-crime bill for gays, which might come off as progressive to you, but all I can see is a hypocrite in action. He'll protect gays from being bashed, but he still won't let us marry each other? (Not that I'd be interested in that institution ever again, but you get the idea.)

That's like saying the peasant second-class citizens must never be hit by their masters who get better everything. We don't wanna be treated like victims who need to be protected—we wanna be treated like everyone else. It's the same story time and again.

'Course, Obama's not really thinking of all the unlucky gay Americans today when he's got his new Nobel Peace Prize to smile about. He's only the third American prez in history to get a Nobel Peace Prize while still in office, and the last former White House regular to get it was Al Gore in 2007, after working on behalf of spreading education and fixing global warming for years and years and years.

Obama's claim to fame, that is, besides being the first black man elected president? Let's be honest—he hasn't really done a great deal yet, though he sure likes talking about what he's gonna do. We can't friggin' wait till he does it, already. How long do you plan to make us wait, Mr. President?

AP Photo/Matt Rourke

Horror upon horrors, we found a reality-show star worse than Jon Gosselin: Michael Vick.

Not only does the despicable Vick (and we mean despicable to the very core, and not just for douchey Letterman-type behavior) get reinstated into the NFL, he gets his own reality show following his return to the spotlight. 

So Mike's slapping himself on TV so people will "get to know [him] as an individual" and "change the perception" people have of him? We already know too much about how M.V. treats defenseless creatures, and the crybaby has nobody to blame but himself for his poor standing with the public.

We'd seriously rather watch Papa Gosselin and Daddy Lohan bitch about their ex-wives and bratty kids over lattes for a half hour in the too-terrible-not-to-be-televised Divorced Dads Club than watch one second of this show.

Charlie Casablanca herself barked to me: She insists that the only reality TV we'll be viewing in the Casablanca household involving Vick will be when he's pitted against other creeps like Gosselin in a people fight—and then she'd like to ask Vick how he likes being tortured to death.

Does BET really think anybody'll tune in? Even the curiosity factor of wondering just how Vick plans on digging himself out of the hole he's in isn't enough of a draw.

Why doesn't BET next air a reality docu-series about Chris Brown trying to win his fans back? We're just as likely to completely ignore that gimmick, too.

CBS

Is there some sort of Let's Defend Douchebags moment going on in H'wood? First, a bunch of otherwise-respected filmmakers and actors disgustingly go on the line to support Roman Polanski's freedom. Now it seems as though David Letterman's getting a hand-slap of a free pass for cheating on his wife with Late Show workers.

Oh, but poor David!

He was trying to be extorted for millions! And he was honest about the whole thing and apologized, on national TV no less, so that should make it A-OK, right?

Please! Letterman's nonapology for turning his female staffers into sex objects isn't good enough for all the women he's inappropriately gotten involved with over the years, and it shouldn't be for his partner of 23 years. The man's an incredibly powerful TV personality and producer, and prowling on your employees is an awfully dickish thing to do as a boss, even if it's consensual.

Hey, Kirstie Alley, we know ya love to bitch as much as we do when you see wrongdoing—you should be campaigning for the rights of women workers! They certainly need someone to support them when their own employer doesn't seem to give a crap about them. Game?

AP Photo/Matt Sayles

At the annual Monte Carlo LAPD Devonshire PALS charity poker tournament game this past weekend, fellow player Kirstie Alley told me she believes rapist Roman Polanksi "won't be brought down." At least not while he's still fleeing his 1977 charges involving 13-year-old Samantha Geimer in L.A.

"What will it take for him to brought to justice?" I asked the very outspoken critic of Hollywood's response.

"For him to be extradited back to this country," she said, evenly. "And it'll never happen. Too many people are on his side."

And that's just for starters...

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This has been a most tough one to weigh in on: Mackenzie Phillips' revelation that her father, music legend Papa John Phillips, raped her repeatedly. I've worked with Mackenzie, and we also have professional friends in common, many of whom have been tittering to me such breathless outbursts as, "Well, she's always so high, who the hell knows what's the truth here?"

Even Mackenzie herself fessed to Meredith Vieira she was high on the Today show, whacked out on heroin, as recently as last year.

A couple of years ago, Mackenzie and I performed in an L.A. reading of the ultracampy '60s flick Valley of the Dolls. Donna Mills was seated to my left, rolling her eyes (along with most of the rest of the cast) at Mackenzie, who was on my immediate right. Mackenzie interrupted, misread her lines and upstaged crucial moments for other actors to much hilarious effect. She was clearly performing her own private derailing of the show, including when when she collapsed while running for (ironically) a dropped bottle of fake pills—and the audience was loving it.

The cast was not, and backstage Mackenzie screamed bloody murder and almost came to fisticuffs with an actor who had made a fairly derisive line about her onstage.

I'll never forget her yelling, face blood-red mad, that she was going to "slug" the guy right before she packed up her house and drove across the country to move to Brooklyn with some young stud she'd just met. Neither statement was a joke.

Nor are her accusations, I believe. Who cares if Mackenzie's remembering these horrific events through a dope-infused memory bank? What the hell do you think made her go down that drug-addled path in the first place?

So, cut the scene-stealer some slack: Clearly it's the only way she knows how to communicate, which should come as no small surprise.

INFdaily.com

I need to get this over with: It's been a difficult summer, as my partner, Jon Powell, and I have been separated for much of it. We have recently agreed to end our union, which was just more than a year old.

This is not what I wanted. But I accept it. These are painful, horribly strange words for me to write, but I need to move on, and this is the best way for me to do it. It's now out there, something I dreaded stating.

When I mentioned months ago that I'd started smoking again...

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Now that Farrah Fawcett's gone, don't worry about who's looking out for her problem child, Redmond—the incarcerated celeb offspring is more than being taken care of by California. According to O'Neal's lawyer Richard Pintal, Red's receiving "excellent" care while in the slammer, and is undergoing an addiction treatment rehabilitation program that's "the best in the world."

Whew, what a relief!

I was so worried this spoiled brat might not actually like jail. Jeez, could California possibly bend over any more? Like just any drug-abusing bum off the street convicted of heroin possession would have gotten the same "great treatment" O'Neal's getting there on a silver platter. Makes me puke.

And what pisses me off even more than gloating about this "excellent" care of Redmond is the perverse timing. Way to wise up now, Redmond—wait for your mother to croak before you clean up your act. You knew it was the one thing she wanted most while she was alive, and you've denied her a chance to see her only son sober up. What were you doing in your cell all that time while your poor mom was wasting away in the hospital? Writing letters to fans a la Paris?

Truly reprehensible.

Let's hope Redmond works on cleaning his conscience in there along with his addiction.

—Additional reporting by Lindsay Miller

NBC Photo: Dana Edelson

There's some seriously unfunny stuff happening over at Saturday Night Live. First up, just like last year, they've added two pretty white chicks to the mostly white cast.

These gals might be deserving, but there are plenty of hilarious black and Asian and nonwhite comedians out there who would give the show more diversity. Not to mention, casting a black actress might mean they wouldn't have to keep flying in former castmember Maya Rudolph to play Michelle Obama these next four to eight years.

Producers made room for these two predictably attractive babes by firing Casey Wilson and Michaela Watkins. Watkins has been vocal, and pretty cheerful, about her exit from SNL, but Casey's been completely quiet on the matter.

Could it be because of the totally bitchy and sexist way in which she was ousted from the sketch show?

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What's with Larry King being the go-to guy for badly behaving stars who supposedly wanna start over but who end up flat out lying? In his interview with King, Chris Brown claimed that he's never been a violent person and this whole sitch with Rihanna is a total shock to him. Then can Chris explain his two prior incidents of violence, according to a probation officer's report, including the one time he shoved Ri-Ri into a wall? Of course he can't. Who needs facts when you've got a flack's words whispered into your ear?

The lying's just as bad as Brown somehow trying to excuse his "wow" comments by saying he simply misspoke and does in fact remember what happened that night with Rihanna. 'Cause if he really talked about what happened that night, he might actually have to confront his bad behavior, as opposed to apologizing for some vague, nonspecific, forgettable act.

Before Brown, of course, there were other celebs who lied right into Larry King's camera...

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Hollywood is mourning the insanely early passing of one of music's treasures, DJ AM.

While too many questions still surround his tragic death, the coroner confirmed to E! today that suicide has not been ruled out as a possible cause of death.

We spoke with some of Adam Goldstein's close friends, professional and personal, and this just doesn't seem likely to the people who knew him best.

"[Adam] was not suicidal," a close pal insists. "The fact it [suicide] is a possibility stuns me. That's not the kind of person he was."

One of the reasons our sources are so adamant suicide couldn't be the case is because they talked to Goldstein the night before he was found dead in his apartment:

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