What Does Lady Gaga's Bizarre "Bad Romance" Video Mean, Anyway?

Lady Gaga Interscope
More from Ask the Answer Bitch

Lady Gaga's video for "Bad Romance" is either astonishingly brilliant or horrifyingly, beyond-belief stupid. What do you think? Guide your lemmings, Answer Bitch!
—Liz, via Facebook

I think we need to understand what Gaga is trying to tell us other than walk, walk, fashion, baby. And to do that we need to analyze the images we're seeing, and boy are there a lot of 'em.

So what are we working with here? The video includes images of a hairless cat, a guy in an S&M roman gladiator chin strap, an alternate Gaga with anime eyes in a bathtub, and diamonds floating in space. And oh: She's crying, and dancing, but not at the same time.

She wears righteous sunglasses.

There is an actual story to the video, and we'll go over it through the wise, mystical prism of dream analysis! Let us begin...

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But Where Was Rachelle Lefevre While Robsten & Co. Partied for New Moon?

Rachelle Lefevre, Twitter twitter.com/RachelleLefevre/status/5787052240

Didn't the gang look lovely together at the New Moon premiere last night?

Too bad they weren't all there. Rachelle Lefevre was MIA.

But the actress, who plays Victoria in both Twilight and New Moon but was famously dismissed for Eclipse, wasn't a no-show just because of sour grapes. It turns out last night was sour for her for completely separate reasons.

"2 fans at the premiere: w/ Honey in hospital & being fired from Eclipse tonight was just 2 emotional 4 me & I couldn't manage it. So sorry," she twittered last night.

Honey is a dog she adopted from an animal rescue agency—and who recently inspired her to become the spokeswoman for Best Friends' Puppies Aren't Products campaign.

Honey's health—and Rachelle's ability to attend the premiere—wasn't looking promising earlier yesterday, when she tweeted, "Honey is in the hospital and I don't know what's going to happen. I wonder if you can die from a broken heart..."

We wish the honey and her Honey the very best.

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See some other stars and their fine furry friends in our Very Important Pets gallery!

Need a Laugh? Urine Luck, Thanks to a Beaver and CBS

It's Friday, so naturally a beaver was the big guest on the CBS Early Show. Make that, a full-bladdered beaver. Though not for long.

Blame nerves, blame nature, blame an oddly well-honed sense of urinary precision, but just a few short moments into the animal segment, unsuspecting correspondent Debbye Turner Bell was sprayed by a blast of liquid excretion.

No problem, these things happen. But rarely do they happen twice in a row.

As Bell made her way toward a towel-bearing minder, the beaver struck again, this time releasing another stream of pee right in her face.

We don't know whether to be impressed or grossed out. The Early Show, though, clearly wanted us to go with the latter, providing as they did a slow-motion reel of the incident.

For which we thank them.

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Check out more awww-inducing animals in our Very Important Pets gallery.

Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher to the Rescue, Doggone It!

Sacha Baron Cohen, Isla Fisher Steve Granitz/Wireimage.com
More from Marc Malkin

Just call it puppy love for Sacha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher.

The engaged funny couple not only found a lost dog wandering in traffic this weekend, but they even tracked down its owner.

Here's how their canine caper went down...

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This Is Not a Funny Way to Prank Jessica Simpson

Jessica Simpson Twitter Page Twitter

Jessica Simpson, everyone's favorite punching bag, came to terms with the loss of her Maltipoo, Daisy, last month. (So did Nick Lachey, btw, don't forget him!) Now it seems people are tormenting Jess with news of Daisy's miraculous resurrection, and obviously she does not appreciate it.

"People have been contacting my family and friends saying that Daisy has been found. Untrue. People are so cruel...please respect her memory," Jessica pleaded on her Twitter last night.

In other (read: better) missing Maltipoo news, Brooke Burns was reunited Friday with her lost dog, Max—making for at least one happy Hollywood pet owner.

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Let's enjoy the happier times famous people have shared with their loyal companions in our Very Important Pets gallery.

BET Goes to the Dogs With Michael Vick Reality Show

Michael Vick AP PHotoSteve Helber, Pool

If BET is looking to counter-program against Cesar Millan, well, job done.

If they're looking to find a sympathetic audience for Michael Vick's newly announced reality show, well, they certainly have their work cut out for them.

According to the Los Angeles Times, the freshly reinstated (sorry, Kendra & Hank) NFL star will feature in an eight-part documentary-style reality show to air early next year on the cable net.

The show, tentatively if not creatively titled The Michael Vick Project, will follow the dogfighting ringmaster as he joins up with the Philadelphia Eagles, rebuilds relationships with his fiancée and kids and attempts to make amends—presumably of both the court-ordered and PR-advised variety—for his 2007 arrest.

"I just want people to really get to know me as an individual," he told the paper. "What I want to do is change the perception of me. I am a human being. I've made some mistakes in the past, and I wish it had never happened. But it's not about how you fall, but about how you pick yourself up."

And it just so happens Vick will be picking himself up with help from a possibly lucrative TV contract and a rather unexpected supporter.

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Martha Finally Throws Jessica a Bone

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You can teach an old dog new tricks after all. That the old trick was being publicly insensitive to the loss of a fellow celeb's pooch made it all the more easy.

Martha Stewart has backtracked on comments made in the wake of Jessica Simpson's coyote-abetted dognapping, making slightly less harsh (or, as Jess would say, assholish) comments about the disappearance of her Daisy.

"I said that she should have been watching her dog more closely, but I feel very, very sorry for anybody that loses a pet," she said on Thursday's Martha Stewart Show.

"Jessica, I hope you find your pet, but if you don't, I'm really sorry that you lost one."

Stewart knows of what she speaks. She's said goodbye to two of her own well-pampered pets in the past year and a half.

The domestic diva, who as it happens had the pleasure of once meeting Daisy during a Macy's commercial powwow several years ago, said in the wake of the pup's snatching that Simpson should have been "more careful" and advised her to "get another dog."

As it is, the kind(er) words may take a while to get to Simpson. She's currently in Uganda filming The Price of Beauty and photogenically bemoaning the need for mosquito nets.

All dogs go to heaven; the same can't be said for those bloodsuckers.

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Take a look at the pampered paw brigade in our Very Important Pets gallery.

OMG! Stephen Moyer Hasn't Seen Twilight?!

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More from Marc Malkin

Don't ask Stephen Moyer what he thinks of Twilight or The Vampire Diaries.

Because he can't really tell ya.

"I haven't watched Vampire Diaries," the True Blood star told me last night at LA Dogworks, where he and Anna Paquin hosted a benefit for the Good Dog Animal Rescue, National Service Dogs Foundation and Fidelco Dogs Foundation.

"And I haven't seen Twilight either," he said. "I haven't even seen the end of our show yet."

But he has been managing to catch some television. Keep reading to find out which shows are on his must-watch list…

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Jessica Simpson Can't Catch a Break

Jessica Simpson DS-ISM/Flynet

Jessica Simpson lost her beloved dog, Daisy, to a coyote last week. Pretty sad stuff, she must be feeling pretty down right now.

She probably needs her friends to be there for her, like, "So sorry about Daisy, I'll be right over with a bottle of wine." But some are more like, "I'm so worried about Jess falling into a tailspin, I better call People."

And that is how we came to have this story about what a sad, needy girl Jess is (thanks, friend!).

"Daisy was her baby," this friend shares. "It's going to put her into a tailspin. It will put her into the worst place ever."

The friend also shares some of the pair's more private moments...

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Jessica Simpson Still Doggedly Pursuing Daisy

Jessica Simpson Twitter

Jessica Simpson has a message for the cynics (and, let's be honest, realists): Paws off.

Unlikely as a rescue may be, the singer is holding out hope for a reunion with her maltipoo Daisy days after she witnessed the 5-year-old dog get snatched up by a coyote.

"Still holding out hope despite the assholes that say is it a dumb thing to do," she tweeted yesterday. "Daisy is my baby…why would I stop searching? I'm a mom."

You mess with a mama, you get the claws.

In fact, if anything, Simpson has stepped up her efforts to locate her MIA pet, enlisting the aid of dog-finding service Find Toto in her quest to track down Daisy. The company made phone calls to roughly 1,000 of her neighbors (that must be some spread she's got there) asking for leads.

"I'm receiving every building block of faith I can get," she wrote in response to someone sending well-wishes for the pooch's safe return.

Not that she hasn't taken any breaks in her dogged doggy pursuit.

"Everyone watch my beautiful sister be a creepy bitch on Melrose Place tonight," she wrote yesterday. "Tune in! xo".

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Check out what else is happening in the Twitterverse.

Jon Gosselin Gives Up Family Dogs

Jon Gosselin, Cara Gosselin, Mady Gosselin INFphoto.com

Is there no end to the collateral damage wrought by the Gosselins' marital implosion?

While it could be years before we know what the kids think of him, Jon Gosselin's dogs are the ones getting the short end of the separation stick right now.

The Jon & Kate Plus 8 dad confirmed to E! News Wednesday night that he is returning his German shepherd puppies, Shoka and Nala, to their breeder. He says his estranged wife refuses to care for them when it's her turn to stay with the children at the family's Pennsylvania residence.

"It's not fair to the dogs to not be wanted in their own home," Jon said. He did not say why he never took the dogs with him during those off weeks.

These are the same two pups that Jon was referring to when he told People earlier this summer, "Those kids beat them up, climb on them, pull their tails, bite at them, drag them around and everything you can imagine not to do to an animal, they've done."

So was Kate's alleged disinterest actually a blessing in disguise for Shoka and Nala?

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Coyote Dognaps Jessica's Daisy

Jessica Simpson, Twitter daisy lost poster Denise Truscello/Getty Images

The dingo coyote took her baby!

Jessica Simpson is holding out hope that her most faithful of companions, her 5-year-old maltipoo, Daisy, will have a safe return after she witnessed a four-legged predator snatch her beloved dog.

"My heart is broken because a coyote took my precious Daisy right in front of our eyes," Simpson tweeted yesterday evening. "HORROR! We are searching. Hoping. Please help!"

Along with the tweet, the distraught Simpson, who received Daisy as a surprise gift onstage from her ex-husband, Nick Lachey, a half-decade ago, posted an online flyer with a picture of the MIA pooch; the words "I miss my mommy"; an email address for people or, presumably, literate coyotes to write with information; and the promise of a reward for the canine's safe return.

Dog-speed, Daisy.

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Check out which other stars can't live without their four-legged friends in our Very Important Pets gallery.

The Big Picture

Walk This Way Michael J. Fox jams with Steven Tyler at a rockin' Parkinson's charity event in NYC

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