The Awful Truth

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We chitchatted with Paris Hilton's newly appointed BFF, Brittany Flickinger, at Les Deux last week. Unforch, she was without Pare-poo on her arm, poor thing. Where's your bestie, babe? "I'm actually going to meet her in a little bit," said Britt. "She just got back. She was out of town." Uh, weren't you supposed to be out of town with her? Oh well, check out what Brit said about her notorious pal, and more:

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Paris Hilton couldn't wait to tell us last night at the SLS Hotel opening what she thought of Britney Spears' latest comeback and her splashy new record, Circus.

"She's hot," Pare-poo purred, when we inquired. Yeah, well, the new Spears extensions may be a little greasy still, but sure, we agree. What do you think of the music, we pressed. After all, P knows her way 'round catchy club-groove tunes, right?

Pretend you agree and hang on for Ms. Hilton's answer…

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If Paris Hilton's bar behavior this week says anything, it's that babe has more than moved on from her Madden man—like that's news, or anything. But let's discuss, just the same, because we know you adore all things sex-munchy, just like we do. Pare-poo hit up H'wood club Bardot Monday night, partying with a group of pals. Pare's winning BFF, Brittany Flickinger, was nowhere to be seen, tho, surprise. One barfly reported on P-poo rather breathlessly:

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“Uh, this is so not news,” bitched a close Paris Hilton camper, regarding “exclusive” bulletins ricocheting around the electronic media right now about Paris’ bustup with BF Benji Madden. “Happened a long time ago.”

Yeah. We know. Like back when we first reported it. Said it with Madonna, said it with Paris—sometimes they just taken longer than others (Bennifer, anybody?). But they always come true. This is the sad, Awful Truth.

Oh, for the record, never in my life have I been screamed at by a Hollywood rep more than I was by Hilton’s manager at the time (which is saying an effing lot), when we first reported Paris’ toilet-equipped rendezvous with Hills slut Doug Reinhardt. I’m sure you all know by now, the bigger they bark, the more they hide.

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Paris Hilton, gettin’ stylish at the Fontainebleau hotel in Ef-Hell-Ay for the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Hilt-hon donned a shimmery green frock for the fashion fete, while our fave sandy snoop, Martin Haro, asked Pare-poo about her role in the new Todd Solondz flick.

It’s a sequel the director’s 1998 movie Happiness, right, Par? P.H.’s response: “I’m not sure.” Uh, didn’t you receive a script, babe? Or was Benji so exhausted from schlepping out with you every night that he was too tired to read it to you? Elsewhere at the event looking (and acting) oh-so elegant was...

Sofia Vergara, wearing white and some trendy Fendi shoes. Martin, God love him, wanted the Colombian babe to elaborate on what she meant when she called her pre-Katie romancer Tom Cruise “raro”—Español for "weird"—a few years back. Sheepishly, Sof replied, “I call myself weird, weird, no one else. I don’t remember saying that.” That’s weird...because we do. Looks like somebody got paid, one way or another, by Camp Cruise. Much more open-mouthed was...

Michelle Trachtenberg, on the pink carpet, looking stunning in a black Herve Leger dress, which Max Azria gave to her himself, the brunette beauty dished. Mich said she needs to hit the gym really hard—“I got a booty!” Do all stick-thin actresses think this psychotic way? Beyoncé’s got a booty, hon, not you. And there’s nothing wrong with having one. One fella slinking fine just the way he is was...

Josh Lucas, dapper in a blue suit, accompanied with a shaggy-haired amigo who was wearing the exact same outfit. Uh-oh, who's gonna go home and change? Lucas swore the doppelgänger getup was “By accident! It’s f--king horrible! I wore this suit once three years ago, and I brought it to Miami because it was clean.” Joshy-poo laughed, but was clearly mortified by his redundant fashion choice. Glad to know it’s not only the gals who crap out over that silly stuff.

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"We are not allowed to comment."

—Dark-minded director Todd Solondz's reps, when we wanted to know why he decided to cast Paris Hilton, of all people, in the sequel to his disturbing sorta-comedy Happiness, the flick where Philip Seymour Hoffman played a pathetic, prank-calling pervert. Is Todd going to have Paris prank-calling Nicole?

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At NYLON's America Issue fete last night at WeHo's Foxtail hot spot, DJ AM was spinning for H'wood types, like ex-fiancée Nicole Richie's ex-BFF Paris Hilton and her usual cast of cohorts, sis Nicky and BF Benji, natch.

The celeb-sprinkled crowd was loving Deej's return behind his beloved turntables, which we mentioned to him, in case he couldn't see from inside his DJ booth. He seemed happy to hear, and the smiling scratcher shot back, "I'm glad, too!"

Must be ridiculously difficult coming back to the scene after such a terrifying experience? We know we'd be shaken up beyond belief. But AM gave us a thumbs-up and shrugged, "Ya know, it's work."

And he went right back to his tunes, like the plane crash and the burn center stay never happened. Too fab a fella, this guy. Let's hope Mandy Moore came to her senses and took this guy back, one of the better catches you'll find in town, trust.

—Additional reporting by Becky Bain

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“It's always people who shouldn’t be embarrassed about their bodies...Why not say, ‘Yeah, that’s me, I’m hot, what do ya want?’ If you’ve gone as far as recording the tape, you’ve subconsciously wanted someone to see that.”

—Porn actress Katie Morgan on Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and other sex-tape celebs who distance themselves from the origins of their fame

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Jennifer Aniston has been romanced—and returned to sender—by loads of the world’s most famous two-legged dogs, but it’s her welsh-corgi, terrier mix Norman who's always been the main male in her life. She adores this pooch more than any man she’s ever dated, but Jen’s not alone with her puppy love—tons of celebs seem über-obsessed with their canine companions, in healthy and not-so-healthy ways.

Gotta wonder what that says about them. Let’s take a look at our fave picks—no, Margo and I didn’t make the list, 'cause as much as we’ve got a great relaysh goin’ on, we can stand to stay apart for more than a millisecond, unlike these folks, at one time or another:

Jake Gyllenhaal and his German shepherd, Atticus: Pre-Reese, Jake and Atticus were seen out and about on long walks almost everyday. Jakey must really trust R.W., since she’s been seen out with Atticus sans her Gyllenpal while he films abroad. You never saw Jen Aniston give over Norman’s leash to John Mayer—says a helluva lot, doesn’t it?

Aubrey O'Day and her teacup Maltese, Ginger: Ex-Danity Kane doll wears her political statements on her pup instead of her sleeve. AOD dyed her white doggie red and blue, er, purple and pink, which should shame both PETA and Obama. Aub even Frenched her pup for the paps. Ew. That’s what happens when you’re too trashy for human contact.

Pete Wentz and his English bulldog, Hemingway: Pete’s more inspired by his pooch than by his wife, or so it would seem. He’s put Hem in some of Fall Out Boy’s music vids, and Wentzy’s even slapped the dog’s mug on his Clandestine clothing line. We’d rather wear a shirt with an adorable bulldog on it than anything off of Ashlee’s Wet Seal stuff.

Tori Spelling and her late pug, Mimi La Rue: Dearly departed Mimi was a bigger hit on Tori’s reality show than hub-unit Dean (and had more of a personality). When she passed away earlier this year, Tor even had a funeral for the pretty pug. At least now T.S. has another tot to play with—though we can’t imagine baby Stella being any good at catching balls in her mouth.

Paris Hilton and her Chihuahua, Tinkerbell: Par’s rarely seen with her once-inseparable companion; Tink’s been replaced with an absurd number of other animals, from kinkajous to Benji Madden. B.M. should take this as a warning on how Pare-poo treats her pets when she’s bored with them.

Britney Spears and her Yorkie, London: Seemed like this British-named puppy was the only living thing B.S. could trust back then—or maybe it was L who was the source of all of Spearsy’s trubs? Could London have been talking to Brit-Brit à la the Son of Sam, telling her to do such heinous things?

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

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Leonardo DiCaprio is pretty much the perfect celebrity: good looks, great talent, dates models and most importantly, is all about the causes. Leo has inspired his younger fans to vote with a star-addled, viral PSA, and now he's onto helping out some nonhumans with the International Fund for Animal Welfare. Dude obviously gets bored just making movies.

Today's the start of the annual Animal Action Week, and this year's objective is "to protect the ocean and marine wildlife from the impact of human activities." Paris should sign up for a crash course pronto. Prof. DiCaprio could sure teach her a few things about animal activism. The way she treats her pooches on land doesn't leave much hope should dolphins ever be up for adoption.

We can totally see it now: sea lions as the new It pet in '09. We'd like to see her try and schlep that around in her purse down Robertson Boulevard. Oh, and can Sharon Stone also get familiar with how to protect animals? 'Cause no leopard would be caught dead wearing such heinous pants.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

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While lady o' the night Paris Hilton was on her BFF press parade this week, we talked to Paris' parents, Rick and Kathy. Ain't it just a tad strange one of the most famous females on the planet needs to find a friend through a TV show? Said her dad: "Well, it's for entertainment." You mean it's not a real way to score a meaningful relaysh? Ain't there any other way to get a pal to party with who isn't a paid assistant? "She's so busy, truthfully, traveling—she's really gone most of the time," said Pare's mom. "So it's really hard."

Besides the show's lucky winner, whoever she or he may be, who's Pare-poo's true bestie? It obvs ain't domesticated Nicole Richie anymore. "I think [sister] Nicky and Benji. And she has really close friends who aren't in this business, who don't really like it...They're not the type who wanna be in the middle of everything." Guess these nobodies stayed home in Nowhereville that night.

Ever wish your offspring had picked a path that wasn't in the fickle field of fame? Rick's already made peace with the place his kid has carved out for herself in the world: "No, I think it's her passion, and she enjoys it. She obviously has a love for it, so you should do things you enjoy in life. I think it's a perfect one for her." Mama Kath on the other hand? "Sure. Absolutely," said K.H. "We thought [Paris] was going to be a veterinarian!" And some say God doesn't listen to our prayers?

K.H., 'course, supports her girls in their chosen limelights, even donning a dress from Nicky's fashion line. Will we be seeing Nicky with her own BFF show anytime soon? "No, I don't think so. Nicky's a little shier."

Clearly not as reticent as the youngest Hilton, Conrad, who couldn't have looked any unhappier to be at the bash, following his folks around like a scolded puppy. Damn, you musta been badder than your big bro Barron was behind the wheel to deserve a punishment like that.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

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Paris Hilton, one of the century’s most-gifted chanteuses, clearly, was spied shopping around Hell-Ay—shock of the year, we know.

While snooping round the store, Pare eyed a sweater emblazoned with blond bombeshell Marilyn Monroe’s iconic visage on the front. Please, hon, you and Lindsay Lohan wish. You can don her face on your bod or reenact photoshoots of Miss Marilyn all you want, but in 50 years, there ain’t gonna be a lick of clothing around with either you or LiLo’s mug on them. We’ll gladly place bets on it.

Li'l Norma Jean might not have been a math whiz or the most reserved dame in the Industry back in the day, but she at least stamped her name on some pedigree stuff, from Some Like It Hot to Arthur Miller.

If there’s any classic image of P.H. or L2 that might stand the test of time, it’s their mug shots. But we doubt either starlet would sign up for that, even in the name of fashion.

—With additional sass by Becky Bain