The Awful Truth

Watching two of the best Jennifer's out there, Hudson and Holliday (sorry Lopez and Love-Hewitt) tear the stage a new one with their double-diva-thon, we can't help but wish Britain's Got Talent phenom Susan Boyle was up there with 'em!

It ain't everyday talented ladies of non-Aguilera height and weight are allowed to strut their stuff in public. It's a refreshing change of pace in a Biz where Heidi Montag can be considered a recording artist just for being thin, blond and breathing.

Are the Heidi's of the music world here to stay? Or could big, older gals be the next big trend?

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Michael Caulfield/WireImage.com

You'd think the awful possibility of dying of cancer would be enough for Farrah Fawcett to contend with, but no, now she has to think about her troubled son Redmond possibly selling off her belongings.

First, just to recap: Fawcett's cancer returned last spring, and she's been receiving aggressive and experimental chemotherapy treatments in Germany, where she's heading yet again for more debilitating sessions. But this time, the normally upbeat former Charlie's Angels star is "really very worried," say some of her closet friends. "She's just not well."

Worst, still, would be what her drug-addict son's putting her through:

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Flynet

Melanie Griffith looks absolutely shocked—maybe she saw her reflection in the camera lens? For a 51-year-old broad (sexiest time in their lives for most of the bitches that age I know), babe's not looking too bad, but for an over-50 celeb who has more than attempted to reclaim her youth via methods that shall remain unmentionable, Mel should be lookin' more like Madonna than a soccer mom.

'Member when M.G. was the sex siren on the silver screen? Yeah, we barely do, too. But the vamp was once stylish enough to snag super-Spaniard Antonio Banderas, who happens to be almost through his 40s himself and is looking every inch as doable as ever. Sad we can't say the same for Mel. And adding any makeup doesn't usually help, either, just makes her look more like a drag queen.

Meg Ryan, this is you in two years; keep the tinkering at a minimum, OK, hon? We need more Helen Mirrens, not less.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

Dave M. Benett/Getty Images

Elizabeth Hurley sure knows how to peddle the star of the evening well as she poses during a global event in London to raise awareness for breast cancer. What, is she serving them up to the rich hubby for dinner, afterward? Is that how you keep this bankrolled dude from straying, darling? Also, simply perf that E.H.’s rack display went down at the Tower of London, where the country’s jewels are safeguarded so well. Lizzy isn’t so tight about protecting his, is she?

FAME

If a picture is worth a thousand words, we think this one of Ali and Dina Lohan says everything we ever need to know about them. Lindsay Jr. and Lindsay Sr., who look about five years apart from each other instead of 32, could not be less interested in one another, both Long Island ladies choosing to look out at all the pretty pap lights taking their pic instead of each other. Or maybe they're making sure Michael Lohan's nowhere around?

It's hard to tell Ali's expression since she looks Photoshopped even in real life. Aren't 14-year-olds supposed to be, ya know, in school? Or at least hanging out with their friends instead of their mom 24 hours a day smiling for cameras? But we guess that's insinuating that A.L. has people who can stand to be around her longer than it takes to ask, "So is your sister gay?"

—With additional sass by Becky Bain

Gaz Shirley, PacificCoastNews.com

Jeez, Sharon Stone's recent fashion frocks are as badly chosen as her political statements, and that's sayin' a lot. Someone needs to tap her on the shoulder and let her know she's no longer 39 years old, 'cause, damn, if S2 ain't still dressing as such. Leopard-print pants—paired with a mismatched, boring blue jacket—is about as cougar-iffic as they come. You're so very subtle in your sexiness, hon.

An all-smiles Shar must have just realized how wrong her wardrobe was for her to be laughing like that. Whatever gets you out of your funk after hearing your custody rights with son Roan are still stuck in their San Fran place.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

Santa Barbara Police Department

First, the good news: Heather Locklear is 47 and still doesn't have a wrinkle on her. Whether it's Botox or elegant ageing doesn't matter—gal is still stunning, even when she looks terrified.

The bad news: After Heath was arrested in Santa Barbara because of "erratically driving" under suspicion of a non-alcohol, controlled substance, her custody sitch with equally dubiously traveling ex, Richie, doesn't look good. Jeez, we gettin' another case of which is the less combustible parent, à la K-Fed and Brit here? Hope not. Hey, at least it wasn't booze, that's sorta refreshing for a change of pace.

Looks-wise, since we're very, very shallow folks here at A.T., H.L.'s signature coif could sure use a comb-through, and babe's mascara is running around her saucer-size eyes faster than J.Lo during a triathlon. But how many people could look this fresh-faced after being picked up by the po po? At least Lock-hon doesn't have to add "beauty" to her list of growing problems.

What's wrong, Heathie? Starting to regret your David Spade days? Hope ya get some help—we like seeing your picture taken on a red carpet or at a beach, not in jail.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

AB/Kelsey McNeal

Is nobody getting laid this fall? Jeez, just check out the message boards: Everybody's hatin'. What, nobody getting any at home? Also, for that Cloris Leachman item earlier today, sent in a lovely, professional shout to Leachman's repper, asking if it was true—as one of our crackerjack sources claimed she overheard Cloris saying herself—that C.L.'s doc was suggesting beta-blockers and heart surgery for the TV and movie legend and the chick who's currently giving Dancing With the Stars some much needed sass. (Samantha Harris' cleavage and vivacity can do only so much.)

What we received from the Leachman rep was a somewhat lecturing, patronizing missive that Cloris has high blood pressure, "which is no secret," and that's she's previously discussed this before, like, get with it, you idiot. Additionally, she snapped, "The rumor about heart surgery is completely false." So glad to know!

But why so testy, sweets? Usually that means, in my jadedass experience, something's up.

Jean Baptiste Lacroix/WireImage.com

As you’ve no doubt heard, Sharon Stone’s reps are insisting the 50ish vamp/Oscar nominee is retaining her custodial rights with her son, Roan; ex Phil just gets full-time school privileges and primary custody.

It’s obviously not the deal Stone preferred. But how best to get through the disappointing news? Do what the babe was clearly born to do: hustle money from rich, horny, gay and straight charity types. I hear Stone’s back again this year for the annual Macy’s Passport AIDS Fashion Fundraiser. It’s really the best show of the fall—when Stone opts to run the auction portion of the evening.

Last year, Stone couldn’t make it and a supposedly professional auctioneer gal abysmally tried to rustle the green from folks. Nah, leave it to the slit-down-to-there amateurs, like S.S., honey, that’ll get him throwing the moola just for a chance to buy the clothes off Stone’s back. She’s practically down to selling her panties, live, just to get some more money for the cause, love this ballsy babe.

So too, will other buxom types like Kristin Cavallari, Liz Taylor, Cheryl Burke, Traci Bingham and other equally boobalicous, entertaining types be there. Santa Monica Airport’s Barker Hanger tomorrow night.

Be there or be bitten by a Komodo dragon.

ABC/ Kelsey McNeal

Cloris Leachman is one helluva 82-year-old. Didya catch the divine golden gal on Dancing With the Stars, struttin’ through her fox-trot? Not a hip was out of place, way to go, babe. Especially loved the sass at the judges table. Clore might actually last a few more weeks in the competish, tho that might not be a good thing.

Our Desk Midwest sat next to Ms. Leachman at a popular steakhouse in Chicago quite recently. Said C.L. looked stunning for her age—didn’t look a day over Ali Lohan. She dined with a stylish older gal and two gents, who seemed like dear old friends. Their convo wasn’t hushed in the steak place, so our ears couldn’t help but overhear.

Leach-hon told her chums that her bod’s got a pretty problematic sitch—and her doc’s given her only a handful of choices. One is to go on medication, tho our source overheard her saying she doesn’t care. The other choice was cancel her appearance on Dancing With the Stars. Guess we know which way the lady swayed. We contacted Ms. L’s reps, but, so far, have heard nada back.

No doubt Cloris had to have a physical to get on the dance competish in the first place—why’d they let the doll go through with the show with physical complications? All in the name of good entertainment? We’re glad Ms. Leachman’s staying active—Lord knows if we get as old as 82, we wouldn’t have the energy to walk down Robertson, nonetheless ballroom dance. But take care of yourself first, ‘K, hon?  

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

Dimitrios Kambouris / Getty Images

Is it Halloween already? 'Cause Martha Stewart looks dressed up as either an Emmy, an Oscar or a bowling trophy while attending New Yawk's Metropolitan Opera Opening Night Gala. This shapeless, shimmering frock is swimming on Ms. Stew, who clearly can't translate her home-decorating skills to couture. We haven't seen this much gold on one person since Michael Phelps. OK, it ain't a total nightmare—it's appropriate for her age and the high-class occasion, plus, M.S.' skin is glowing like her gown—just next time, hon, add at least a dash of a different color. How 'bout that colorful poncho from the joint? Loved it.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

Todd Williamson/Getty Images; ZumaPress.com

Sheridan's pissy; Lily's movin' in. That's what terribly inside Desperate Housewives tattlers tell us happens to be the sitch over at Marc Cherry's prime-time soap set at ABC.

"Nicollette's always the one causing the most trouble lately," sassed our deep Desperate insider, "it's not that the other gals are so difficult anymore."

Man, is that ever saying something. Remember when all that Vanity Fair merde hit the fan, about how Teri Hatcher and Marcia Cross were supposedly separated at blood-dripping-claw range? Times sure have changed.

How, exactly? What's causing the fuss? "It's lighting now," revealed the D.H. know-it-all. "It's always about the lighting. Nicollette's asking for fixes, changes, takes forever." How very Faye Dunaway! "And her lines," added our loose-lipped boob-tube source, "she can sometimes have a bit more trouble with her lines than the others." Maybe that's because her concentration is on filters, instead? "And the ex, too, don't forget," reminded our Desperate mover 'n' shaker, referring to Sheridan's recent bustup with singer/fiancé/hair-do-er Michael Bolton.

Nic's très sad, apparently, which we coulda told ya back when we reported how much N.S. was grilling partygoers about her former fiancé, but that's old news.

What's new is that Nic's nosy nabe Kathryn Joosten is getting thrown into the mental farm, thanks to Susan's conniving new hubby, so we're told (isn't simply living on that insane street like living in an asylum, already?), and gets sprung by her about-to-arrive sis, played by Lily Tomlin, which is pretty rich.

Remember when Joosten got offed from her big supporting role as President Bartlet's secretary on West Wing? Who came into to take her place? That's right. Lily. Turns out it was Joosten's idea on this recasting bit, but then, that very well could be lipsticked goss that comes from a silly pig, or something. But it doesn't. Trust us.

Welcome, Lily! And calm down, Nic! You'll find another man. And besides, how a damn light's angled—or not—is not going to expedite his arrival. In fact, it might delay it.

By the way, we just heard back from Ms. Ss droll, if not highly accurate press rep regarding her clients exacting lightbulb habits:

"Nicollette and all the girls like good lighting," the repper sassed sagely. "Wouldn't you?"

Yep, and jeez, why the ef can't all publicists speak the truth like this all the time?