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That sound you hear is the nation's TiVos spontaneously powering down in protest.

Earlier this month, Octomom Nadya Suleman activated gag reflexes everywhere by revealing she had a crush on Jon Gosselin, going so far as to dub him "hot." Earlier this morning, In Touch Weekly took that cry for help revelation and ran with it, claiming that the publicity-hungry, parentally challenged duo would be coupling up in a new reality dating show.

And while we can only pray the report didn't give them any ideas, it also (for now) is not true...depending on who you ask.

The supermarket staple quoted the oddly credible former producer of Cheaters, who claimed that the show would follow Gosselin contemplating not only "what hooking up with Octomom could really be like," but what their home life might be like if their respective 14- and 8-strong broods fused, like the Brady Bunch on steroids.

"I heard that Nadya has an insatiable desire to spend time with Jon and to put their families together," producer Bobby Goldstein told the tabloid. "And I had the idea that this could be a very entertaining fiasco." (Apparently Goldstein never heard of one Hailey Glassman.)

It may be Halloween week, but no one deserves this type of scare. Luckily, Gosselin's manager has stepped in to put a lid on the madness, debunking the report and once again restoring order to the television universe.

"This is the first I've even heard of it," he said. "This isn't happening."

Not that it wasn't at one point in the works, with a rep for the would-be trainwreck boasting of email records to prove it.

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Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar and their almost 19 kids had better watch out.

The Octomom has eyes for the octodad...and, together, they'd have a whopping 22 offspring to raise.

Nadya Suleman admitted to Radar Online that she's crushing on that total babe Jon Gosselin, and really, who can blame her?

"I kind of have a crush on Jon Gosselin," she said. "I think he's hot!"

Of course, she also admits she feels bad for Kate Gosselin and wishes the media would leave the troubled twosome alone (and focus more on her, perhaps?). And despite her own visions of reality-television stardom, she agrees with Jon that the TLC show has been exploitative of the kids and should be put on the backburner.

Still, Hailey Glassman had better hold on tight—Jon has been known to stray, and this saucy minx has "fate" written all over her.

In other Octonews, Dr. Michael Kamrava, the fertility doc who treated Suleman, has been expelled from the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, according to Sean Tipton, a spokesman for the organization. However, getting kicked out of a professional organization doesn't mean his license has been revoked. Kamrava can continue to practice medicine (and burden California taxpayers with extraneous babies).

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Who do you think is Hollywood's worst parent? Vote now!

AP Photo/David Zalubowski; Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images; Jerritt Clark/Getty Images; Paul Drinkwater/NBCU Photobank via AP Images

So, in light of Richard Heene's balloon now bursting in more ways than one, we got to thinking about other parents who've managed to use their spawn for a little added attention.

Take this weekend, for instance, when Jon Gosselin, famous only for being a father of eight, got all lovey-dovey for the cameras during a kids-free night out in NYC, while his BFF Michael Lohan continued to express so-called concern for his troubled daughter Lindsay. Of course, not to be outdone by these douches dads, Nadya "Octomom" Suleman made sure to remind us of her existence by re-emerging from hiding to shop and later play in the park with at least part of her big brood.

Your move, Richard.  

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Check out folks who are actually doing it right in our Famous Families gallery.

Brad Barket/Getty Images, Thompsett, Wordley, PacificCoastNews.com

So Nadya Suleman scoffs at Kate Gosselin's "staged" bikini shots, does she?

Gosselin may have the last laugh as Suleman's Wednesday night bid for prime-time fame, Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage, scored cable numbers. On free TV.

From 8 to 10 p.m., Octomom was the least-watched show on the big four broadcast networks, running behind reruns, America's Got Talent and more. Its estimated audience of 4.2 million viewers is about what Jon & Kate draws these days. On cable. Amid the ugly split. After the thrill has long gone.

All is not lost, though, for Suleman. Her Fox show actually was the night's No. 1 draw among the under-35 crowd. Whose members apparently can't resist a good dig at Gosselin.

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Unclean, unclean!

That's kinda how we feel after peeping Fox's two-hour suckfest special about Nadya "Octomom" Suleman—which, thanks to all the herky-jerky camerawork, closed-caption 911 calls and crying children, we at first mistook for an episode of Cops.

Minus the amusingly combative scene from inside the delivery room when Suleman's octuplets were born in January (gee, what a coup that someone was filming!), we saw very little that hadn't already been hinted at (or exhausted) in previous video footage, tabloid coverage and paparazzi pics.

Which is not to say it wasn't even more horrible than we could have imagined. Among the lowlights from Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage:

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Forget Jon and Kate and their eight. Another matriarch and her brood are heading to prime time.

Fox has inked a deal to air a two-hour special on Nadya Suleman, her octuplets and the rest of her family, including her six other children. Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage is set to fill the So You Think You Can Dance schedule void on Aug. 19, the network announced today.

The network promises plenty of intimate moments, interviews and family reactions culled from footage taken over the past seven months by Radar Online. The release vows to show "emotional struggles, physical complications and financial burdens."

Honestly, does TV get more fun than that?!

Even the head of Fox's reality-TV division, Mike Darnell, understands the appeal. "It's a little bit of a trainwreck, and it's really entertaining to watch," he told the Hollywood Reporter.

At least we get a little Octomom. The Brits are getting an entire series.

(Originally published on August 10, 2009 at 12:58 p.m. PT)

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Who needs eight kids when you can take home 11 Teen Choice Awards?

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Now that there are thousands of dollars apiece in their future, a judge wants to make sure Nadya Suleman's children have plenty left in their pockets for chewing gum, baseball cards and Barbie dolls.

Or for whatever kids are into these days.

At the request of legal crusader Gloria Allred and child-star watchdog group A Minor Consideration, a guardian will be appointed to oversee the finances of Octomom's 14 kids, who will be collectively earning $250,000 over the next three years to appear in a reality show.

"I'm indifferent, totally indifferent," Suleman said outside the courthouse when asked her response to the ruling.

Are we the only ones who find that answer...insufficient?

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Thompsett, Wordley, PacificCoastNews.com

Who says it's hard to find a job in California?

No word on what sort of fringe benefits are included, but Nadya Suleman's 14 children are each going to be earning $250 a day—for a total of about $250,000 altogether for three years—for starring in the reality show their mom has agreed to do for a British production company.

The details are as follows:

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Thompsett, Wordley, PacificCoastNews.com

Octomom Nadya Suleman's 2-year-old son Caleb was rushed to the hospital Friday after gulping down his older brother's "volcano kit." Caleb vomited up the offending chemicals, which turned out to be mostly salt water, but Suleman called paramedics anyway, just to be on the safe side.

"I knew it would all get blown out of proportion if I called, but I didn't want to take any chances," Suleman told People.com. "I think I did the right thing. He's okay."

We agree that she did the right thing (there's a first time for everything, OK?). But we're having second thoughts about one of the first responders. People reports that amid the chaotic scene at the family's La Habra, Calif., home, a fireman asked Suleman to pose for a souvenir cell-phone snapshot.

Really? That's how you're going to play the hero, Mr. Fireman? Or should we say, fired man?

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See multiple other reasons Octomom is probably happy not to be everybody's Octoheadache with this Jon & Kate Update.

Eric Brogmus/INFphoto

Somewhere across the country in Pennsylvania, Kate Gosselin is no doubt cracking a smile.

Gosselin's nemesis and would-be reality-TV rival Nadya Suleman and her mouthpiece website, RadarOnline, are feeling the heat from California officials for child-labor violations involving Octomom's brood.

State Labor Commissioner Angela Bradstreet alleges the entertainment site failed to take out the requisite permits before videotaping Octotots Noah and Isaiah and ignored laws governing the amount of time the infants could be on camera.

And that could just be the tip of the iceberg.

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Brad Barket/Getty Images, Thompsett, Wordley, PacificCoastNews.com

Would a Nadya Suleman reality show be 75 pecent more popular than Jon & Kate Plus 8? In the name of job survival, should the manly men of Ice Road Truckers consider fertility treatments? And do you remember a series called Pushing Daisies?

The answers—and more questions—in this week's TV ratings quiz:

1. Are ratings for supersized family shows proportional to the size of the supersized family? No. Among TLC's three giganto-family shows, for instance, Jon & Kate Plus 8 features the "fewest" children, but scores the most viewers (for reasons, granted, that currently have little to do with the kids). So, even though the reality-aspiring Suleman, who's really a 14-omom rather than a mere octomom, has 75 percent more children than the Gosselins, she cannot count on each kid to draw as many viewers, on average, as each Jon & Kate kid. Just ask the Duggars, who last week averaged 96,667 viewers for each of their 18 Kids and Counting kids, compared to 1.2 million for each Gosselin offspring. The Hayes' Table for 12 had an even lower per-kid average for its May 18 season finale: 62,500.

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