The Awful Truth

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Despite Carrie Underwood's near-Kanye West moment at the CMA Awards last night, gotta say these babies weren't exactly our cup o' gossipy tea, is that putting it delicately enough? Oh, who cares, let's just say we were hoping for a little bit of drama onstage, Underwood quasi-bitch, notwithstanding.

Nevertheless, we had one of our fabulous E! spies out in Nashville who's feeding us all the gab on what you didn't see go down on the boob tube.

Was Taylor Swift as nice as she very much tries to appear to be? And which babe was acting too big for her botoxed-looking britches?

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British GQ

Dear Ted:
Nicole Kidman told GQ she is into "strange sexual fetish stuff." She's always been pretty reserved about her life, and now she is giving Angelina a run for her money. Too bad it's 10 years too late and no one cares about her anymore. She used to be so classy, why is she so desperate?
—Mole

Dear Always a Reason:
Australia was a bomb, largely because of Nic. Maybe now that she's being pooh-pooh'd as a serious actress (which is insane; she used to be one of best before she got lost on Bewitched Boulevard) she's trying to reinvent herself. I think she should go a different route. Like letting her forehead do what it damn well wants, for starters.

Dear Ted:
Have you ever been "used" by a source to get a false story out there without you knowing it? Has it ever occurred to you that Deep Twi is actually on the Summit payroll to "leak" these juicy details? Personally, couldn't care less if they're really a couple or not—they both need acting lessons. But have you ever in the past been bamboozled?
—SarahT

Dear Trick or Treat:
Good question. Fair one, too. But trust, Deep Twi is about as legit as you're gonna get. And a friend (so that's why I know).

Dear Ted:
Is there any way you can put up a separate "area" where the New Moon/Kristen Stewart/Robert Pattinson posters can analyze, dissect and argue separately from the rest of us? It is becoming too much to slog through all their turmoil.
—Polly

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Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
I think Gossip Girl's Blake Lively and Penn Badgley are very cute, but I must ask, are they the real deal, or is it for show?
—Mobey

Dear Yawn:
The boringass romance is real. Now wake me up when they do something halfway interesting. Sure are great-looking though, just don't have the heat to go with it, unfortunately.

Dear Ted:
That was very big of you to admit the fault of your Nicole Kidman Morning Piss. I definitely agree it is a bit hypocritical of her to not address the incident, but I hardly think paparazzi being attacked is equal to a woman experiencing the atrocities that go on around the world. I'm sure that photographer would be more than happy to be roughed up again as opposed to seeing, say, a young girl having her clitoris cut off.
—Susan

Dear Hate Crime:
Hey, if I can admit my wrongs, can't Kidman? 

Dear Ted:
I was watching The Tudors the other day and got to wondering if Jonathan Rhys Meyers was ever a B.V.? He seems like he definitely would have been one.
—Jen

Dear Hello:
You nuts? He's a friggin' regular—outta control!

Dear Ted:
Just saw pictures of Ben Affleck and Jen Garner looking all lovey-dovey on the set of his movie. What's up with that if they are going to break up? Also are Tim McGraw and Faith Hill the real deal?
—Angie

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Jemel Countess/WireImage.com

Many of you are pissed about my Morning Piss yesterday, and rightly so. When I reread it, I realized my ranting about Nicole Kidman's Congressional address on violence against women could be read as to have slighted the concern for these horrible crimes (ones Kidman herself had taken the pains to visit around the world) and that was certainly not my intent.

I apologize most sincerely to those I offended.

Empowering women is something I'm often bitching about myself. I absolutely endorse—and certainly encourage—any celebrity, Kidman included, and any man or woman brave enough to take on the atrocities being committed around the world. By all means. Shout to everyone about it. Scream, if you must.

Kidman just needs to explain what her participation was in the violence that was committed against the pap who was trailing her, is my point. Her vigil against these more heinous crimes would be so much stronger, in my opinion, if she did. Violence begets violence.

Jason Kempin/Getty Images

You've heard about Nicole Kidman, the United Nations's fancy-ass Women's Goodwill Ambassador, testifying to congress about violence against women, right?

Uh, yeah, great point, Nic.

But who's gonna testify to congress on behalf of photographers and journalists who get beaten to a bloody pulp by celebrities' goon-guards? Not into that bit of charitable mouthing off, are ya? Obviously not, since you've never, ever spoken about how badly your bodyguard messed up that pap—despite butt-loads of requests from us to explain it.

This is Hollywood at its best: Scream out to the world, with perfect curls cascading down around your perfectly powdered forehead, about the atrocities of the world while you're participating in one that approaches the same level of inhumanity. Oh, but that's right—we journos don't count, do we? We're scum. We deserve what we get because we sought to make more famous a person who chose to become a public figure?

I love the way you think. Oh, and that's irony, darling Nic—you know, like saying The Stepford Wives was your best work.

________

Nicole isn't the only one on a goodwill kick. See who else is in our Do-Gooder gallery.

Ash Knotek/ZUMAPress.com

Is there some new Aussie eye candy ready to hit it big in H'wood and compete with Hugh Jackman's highly respected, droolworthy abs? Could be!

Australians in Film is taking submissions for its second annual Heath Ledger scholarship, which provides the winner with $10,000, a round-trip ticket to L.A. from Aus and a Showcast VIP Package, which includes being pimped out to all the big-name casting directors in T-town.

Though we totally love the support the Aussie film community gives its actors, it makes us wonder if scoring a scholarship like that really helps in the long run...

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INFphoto.com

Dear Ted:
Will the Gosselins ever go away? It's obvious that Jon is more interested in how he despises his ex more than tending to his children. I wish Jon and Kate would stop seeking validation from the public and start focusing on their own children instead. It's sad.
—Roxy

Dear Gagged by Gosselins:
Oh honey, I'm so over them and their ridiculous ways. Those poor kids are going to have more problems than Lindsay and Paris combined. I mean, like anybody's concerned about them at this point.

Dear Ted:
I know how you feel about Robsten, and I agree we will never get a PDAish confirmation. I'm just wondering if you agree with me that it would probably make everyone's lives a lot easier (including the fans') if they just made a small gesture. Hand-holding, arms around one another, a documented romantic glance or smile? In my opinion, avoiding any and all of this stuff is just more obvious, building rumor and speculation, and making it 10 times worse for all involved. So, what's your opinion on the subtle romantic advance?
—Love games

Dear Not So Subtle:
Rob and Kristen have been doing the coy love glances for eons now. So the small gesture needs to be grander than that. Much.

Dear Ted:
With all the talk about beards lately, I was wondering why Perez has been calling women on his site beards? Is he trying to out the Blind Vices you create?
—Jules

Dear Pish Posh:
Who?

Dear Ted:
It's kinda nice you and countless other virtual fans out there want Robsten to be together. The majority of us don't know these two personally, yet we feel protective of them and want the best for them. Do you recall any celebrity couple that fans have felt this strongly about before?
—Gabby

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Dear Awful Truth:
The Blind Vice picture always reminds me of Chace Crawford and Taylor Momsen. Is there anything going on between them? Oh, and if Summit is really the diabolical studio that you make it out to be, isn't it possible that the suits really don't care about Robsten but are pretending to so their antics will end up in the media and in turn promote the movie even more? That's a pretty genius marketing campaign.
—dstack18

Dear Nice Vices:
You are the diabolical one! That's some evil genius plot worthy of Lex Luther and the Joker right there, which means it's total fiction, unfortunately. Same as anything going on between that particular Gossip gal and guy, though now that you've called out the similarities with our B.V. pic, we sorta wish there were! (When Tay's of legal age, 'course.)

Dear Awful Truth:
Everyone has been expressing strong disappointment with this new Bella wig they are using on Kristen Stewart for Eclipse. I have heard a lot of people say they are making their complaints known. Do you think Summit will change things up or decide to work with a new wig...maybe extensions? Since when has Summit ever listened, right? Also, some reports claim Robsten will truly go official, confirmation and all, after New Moon comes out. Is there any truth to this?
—Time will tell

Dear Hair Plugs:
We get all the fuss over Robsten, what with the whole star-crossed love affair thing and dastardly forces driving them apart, and other romance novel drama. But major drama over a damn wig? It will look fine on camera. Calm down. The franchise isn't in jeopardy because of a haircut. And I wouldn't bet on New Moon being a good countdown to a Robsten confirmation, sorry. Try after Breaking Dawn!

Dear Awful Truth:
Is there any truth to the rumor that Nicole Kidman has "abandoned" her adopted kids. Or is it more along the lines of Tom Cruise keeping her away from them?
—Martin

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Humberto Carreno/startraksphoto.com

We've repeatedly asked over and over for Nicole Kidman to apologize for her bodyguard viciously attacking that paparazzo from more than a year ago. The dude was left bloody and bruised while Nic just sat in her car, not a scratch on her protected porcelain skin. Hell, even mentioning that the incident in fact happened would be a step in the right direction.

All we got was total Chris Brown guilty silence.

But not everyone Down Undah is keeping Nic's war with the photo hogs silent! Do read on:

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INFdaily.com; ZumaPress.com

There's no question that our fave celebs have the dirtiest of habits, but whose are the worst? Very, very tough call.

While Lindsay Lohan is brilliantly burning out to nothing but a Long Island bisexual ember, flashier heavy hitters appear to be in just as much addictive trouble.

Also, what's your baddest habit, everybody? While you're figuring that one out, select below who's illin' the most in T-town:

Someone we're missing?

Jun Sato/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Bitch-Back! is my favorite thing to read on the Internet! It looks like you were right when you said you thought Rihanna would return to Chris Brown. This is really sad to me. The example she’s setting for young girls is that they aren't worthy of being treated with respect. I hope her particular situation doesn't end in tragedy.
—Melinda

Dear Sass-a-Frass:
You and me both, hon. We’ll have to wait and see what her next step is after she comes out of hiding. Undoubtedly it will be self-flagellation of some sort or another.

Dear Ted:
Why don't you go play in traffic? Thanks. No really, do it.
—Eralku 

Dear Fire Starter:
Care to join me?

Dear Ted:
Hello, Hot Stuff! Is Brain-Fry Noodlestein Ben Stiller?
—Jiggy

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Serge Thomann/Getty Images; Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

Back in July, we let fly an odd item regarding rumors of a then-pregged Nicole Kidman wearing a fake bump, with li'l Sunday Rose being conceived someplace else. Possibly through a surrogate, or Nic's waify-lookin' bun in the oven helped by sis Antonia's eggs. No comment from Nicole. Baby Urban was born soon after, and we dropped the possibly bogus baby-bump buzz in favor of wanting a response about N.K.'s bloody bodyguard sitch instead.

A.T.'s own Becky Bain, though, was Down Undah just last week, and whispers of this conception controversy were more like screeches—Kidman's local posse loudly dished to us their doubts about the mommy status of the star, insisting to us that Antonia Kidman was Sunday's surrogate all along.

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