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Not paying your taxes for five years? Understandable. Going to prison for three years as a result? Totally unreasonable. At least according to Wesley Snipes' crack (but not that crack) defense team.

Attorneys for the Uncle Sam-dodging Blade star have filed an appeal against the actor's would-be imprisonment, calling the sentence "unreasonable" and claiming that his tax-evasion trial—which came to a close last February after Snipes was convicted on three misdemeanor counts of failing to file a return—should have taken place in New York and not Florida.

Nevermind that the 47-year-old actor's housing records showed that he lived in both states or that his legal team had ample time prior to the years-in-the-making trial to seek the location swap.

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Nicolas Cage clearly felt he owed one to the pirate community. Either that, or he was hoping they'd help him out with a much-needed booty haul.

The financially drained thesp and, as it happens, U.N. Ambassador on Drugs and Crime, paid a visit to Kenya this week where he met with imprisoned Somali pirates to find out what exactly is fueling the swarthy ones' increased—and increasingly dangerous—criminal activity.

And if they should have slipped him a treasure map on his way out of the prison gates, so be it.

Sadly, that was not to be. Though he didn't walk away from the meet-and-greet empty-handed, having armed himself with a new understanding of their plight.

"I'm in a position where I can actually make some sense and talk about it when I go back to the States, where I [will] talk to different U.N. councils and discuss the matter," he told reporters at the Shimo-la-Tewa facility, which, incidentally, he dubbed the "warmest prison in the world."

If he gives them the Somalis the same good P.R. he brought to the people of Australia recently, well, we're all in luck. Still, good to know the screening process for the U.N. ambassadorships (for drugs and crime, no less) is still as rigorous as ever.

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Hey, did you hear? Pirates trump vampires. Condolences, R.Pattz.

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Ryan O'Neal is finally saying the right thing.

The Love Story star is totally fine with Farrah Fawcett's decision to leave the bulk of her estate to their son, Redmond.

"Farrah's and my relationship was based on a deep love and respect for one another and for our son Redmond," the 68-year-old actor, who had proposed to his on-again love in the months before her death from cancer in June, said in a statement obtained by E! News. 

"After discussing how her financial affairs would be handled in the event of her passing we agreed that our son Redmond would be the primary beneficiary of her estate. These were Farrah's wishes and I am perfectly happy with them. 

"I sincerely hope that everyone will remember and celebrate the legacy that Farrah left behind, and will now let her rest in peace."

Fair enough.

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Next time we see Nicolas Cage, the Coppola-pedigreed, Oscar-winning thespian, slumming it in a craptacular explosionfest, we'll know why.

All that national treasure he unearthed is gone.

The Oscar winner's former bean counter is fighting back at allegations he ripped off the Ghost Rider star, claiming in a newly filed countersuit that Cage just can't stop spending big bucks.

Samuel Levin says by the time the actor hired him in 2001, Cage had "already squandered tens of millions of dollars he had earned as a movie star, he was deeply in debt and he owed millions of dollars in accrued but unpaid income taxes."

And what did he spend it on? Levin gives a breakdown that includes "15 palatial homes around the world, four yachts, an island in the Bahamas, a Gulfstream jet, millions of dollars in jewelry and art."

But wait, there's more! Lots more...

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First Hélio Castroneves, now Aaron Carter. Dancing With the Stars has a curse, all right, but it has nothing to do with injuries.

Unless you count the damage done to one's bank account. And permanent record.

Just a week getting booted from the reality-competition show, Carter is on the receiving end of considerably worse news, this time courtesy of the IRS. Turns out, Nick's little bro owes Uncle Sam more than $1 million in back taxes.

Just think of all the Kleenex that could buy.

As it is, according to court documents filed last week, Carter's tax delinquency dates back to 2003, a clearly banner time for the cry baby pop star, as he's indebted to the federal government a whopping $965,284.97 from that year alone.

An additional $45,350.11 is also owed from income earned in 2006, making his debt grand total a hefty $1,010,635.08.

We don't care who you are, that figure's gonna bring on the waterworks.

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Aaron's out of Dancing With the Stars, but these four are still in...at least for the next few hours.

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The stakes have gone up along with the price tag.

The Los Angeles City Council is still gunning for Anschutz Entertainment Group to reimburse it for the star-studded memorial service for Michael Jackson that took place at AEG-owned Staples Center in July, and the Public Safety Committee will review the issue at a meeting next week.

While AEG and the Jackson family hosted the actual service, some guys with calculators have determined that the city spent $3.2 million to help pull it off, mainly in the form of security and increased police presence around the venue and locations where the Jackson family congregated in the days following the King of Pop's death on June 25.

The cost was originally estimated at $1.4 million.

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Who needs Decepticons, CGI or motion-capture when you've got slamming doors, billowing sheets and a handheld camera?

Paranormal Activity has passed the $100 million mark at the U.S. box office, making it, dollar for dollar, the biggest cinematic success story of 2009.

Sure, it's no Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen-size $400 million, but Michael Bay's special-effects extravaganza required at least $200 million to make everything go boom.

Paranormal Activity, which features five unknowns and a demonic presence, cost $15,000 to make. That's T-H-O-U-S-A-N-D.

The goosebump-inducing (albeit a tad overhyped) horror flick spent its opening weekend playing in 12 theaters total, before hurling into wide release Oct. 16.

The film masquerading as found footage is also the fifth-highest-grossing R-rated film of '09, trailing only The Hangover, Inglourious Basterds, District 9 and Watchmen—and only $19 million separates it from the No. 2 spot.

"What is truly amazing about Paranormal Activity is the depth of commitment from fans who demanded to see it," said Paramount Pictures chief executive Brad Grey. "All of us at Paramount are proud to have been involved with his revolutionary project."

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Scary stuff. But while Paranormal Activity is the freakiest film at the multiplex, these are the Spookiest Shows on TV.

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In between fake breaking up with his girlfriend, posing with fellow infamous pop-culture trainwrecks, befriending rabbis and showing a modicum of self-awareness by promoting mocking himself in viral videos, Jon Gosselin has found time to fight back against TLC.

The former reality TV dad is countersuing the Jon and Kate Plus 8 cable net, answering their widening breach-of-contract suit against him by claiming TLC not only violated child labor laws while filming his octobrood at their Pennsylvania compound, but made him sign a totally unfair contract that severely restricted him from pimping Ed Hardy, making the entertainment news show rounds and doing whatever else it is he does to earn money these days.

Aside from alleging that the network caused him to lose business opportunities and harmed his reputation (we weren't aware he needed help on that last one), Gosselin claims in his $5 million suit that the network has also failed to make good on the promise of some cold, hard cash.

"Jon is going to court with a slingshot and is going to aim it at the eye of the monster, TLC," attorney Mark Heller told E! News.

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It cost big bucks to lay Michael Jackson to rest.

Court documents obtained by E! News show that funeral expenses amounted to nearly $1 million from start to finish, security to sarcophagus.

Jackson's estate petitioned the court in September to approve the immediate release of the funds from the King of Pop's fortune to pay for the proceedings.

Per the paperwork, $855,730 was owed to Forest Lawn Memorial-Parks & Mortuaries, where Jackson was interred at a service attended by his whole family, close friends like Quincy Jones and Elizabeth Taylor, many celebrities and a few unwelcome news helicopters.

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Look who's coming around after all.

Joe Jackson, who previously said that he spends most of his time in Las Vegas and that his estranged wife, Katherine, would handle the raising of Michael Jackson's children, is now petitioning the estate for his own monthly stipend.

Saying he has no steady source of income aside from $1,700 a month from Social Security, Jackson stated in court documents that he had relied on his son for support up until the King of Pop's death. Michael gave money to his mom, which she in turn, acting as an agreed-upon go-between, gave to Joe.

Michael did not provide for Joe in his will, rather splitting his estate among his mother, children and various charities.

But that doesn't mean the King of Pop's estate is legally prohibited from providing for Joe, his lawyers insist.

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Are Slumdog Millionaire's youngest stars too cool for school?

The benefactors who set up a trust fund for youngsters Azharuddin Mohammed Ismail and Rubina Ali to better their lives in the wake of the film's success said Thursday that the kids have skipped too much school and could lose their financial support.

The terms of the Jai Ho Trust, set up by Oscar-winning director Danny Boyle and producer Christian Colson, stated that Rubina, 9, and Azharuddin, 11, show up for at least 70 percent of the school term. They've been receiving $120 monthly stipends and are due to receive larger sums when they turn 18.

But right now, Rubina's attendance stands at 27 percent and Azharuddin's is 37 percent.

And that's not good enough, according to Boyle and Colson, who also hooked the Ismails up with a $50,000 home in July.

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John Travolta may have made a career out of cliff-hangers, but this is probably not what he had in mind.

While Picewell Forbes, the Bahamian politico behind the mistrial in Travolta and Kelly Preston's $25 million extortion case, was ordered before a judge this morning. He was expected to be grilled on why he publicly announced there was an acquittal before the jury even finished deliberations and try his hardest not to be held in contempt.

Instead, he was given one more week to come up with something good. And no, "the dog ate my common sense" will probably not fly.

Bahamian Senior Justice Anita Allen told the Progressive Liberal Party MP that he has until next Thursday to enlighten the world—and the court—as to both the rationale and sourcing behind his justice-marring outburst.

"One can see that the fairness of the trial could have been compromised," Allen lectured him in court.

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