The Awful Truth

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Kathy Joosten at the launch party for the new 2011 Buick Regal at the Hollywood Palladium, where cutie songwriter and entertainer Colbie Caillat sang sassy-sweet.

The cancer survivor is fresh off her TV rampage against Suzanne Somers and her "f--king mushrooms" (Somers is currently touring the country selling her book that recommends healthy living and diet over a doctor's guidance for curing cancer). And she spent most of the evening saying the only thing she cared about the Regal was that it had enough room in the backseat for her grandkids.

Sorry, Joosten, we all know you're a pain in the you-know-what, this granny routine's not gonna cut it. Showing a more true display of her infamous image was...

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Jerritt Clark/Getty Images; AP Photo/Matt Sayles

Christina Aguilera was looking more made-up than evah on Sunday, out to lunch with her lovely fam and a couple friends at Houston's restaurant in Santa Monica. While most people prefer to keep Sunday casual, we're told Xtina still piled on the makeup.

The group was having their lunch in a secluded booth upstairs, and Aguilera's son, Max, being the energetic bugger that he is, jumped around on everyone at the table. Once done with lunch, they sneaked out through the back entrance.

The only other people who might have seen her were a grandma-grandpa couple sitting upstairs at the opposite end of the room, so C.A. probably got the privacy she wanted.

Another gal not exactly flying under the radar was...

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Jemal Countess/Getty Images; Jeff Frank/ZumaPress.com

I'm not supposed to tell you this, but when have I ever been good at that? There's a British TV series on pop culture I've been participating in (more details when it comes closer to launch), and they're doing some interviews with Michael Lohan, can you ever guess why?

"He wants to help his daughter," chirped one of the producers on the insanely funny and cheeky program. "He wants to spread the word how much he wants to help her."

"Oh, yeah," I said, "by telling you all and the rest of the world all about it is a great way to do it," tongue in cheek firmer than mom Dina's hatred for Michael. "Great plan."

What is it with these Lohan's talking about their troubles to everybody else but each other? I mean, just take a look at Lindsay Lohan's Tweets about how much she, too, despises her father, to get a chilly picture.

Are the Lohans the new Gosselins? Or are the Gosselins the old Lohans? Either way, it all sucks, and the ones who are getting screwed here are the kids. Just look at Lindsay, if you don't believe me.

Why aren't the family courts looking into media abuse is what I want to know.

AP Photo/Nick Ut

"We just looked at her, stunned, and said nothing."

—Hollywood professionals who worked with Lindsay Lohan at a preliminary meeting for a project Lohan ended up not doing, unsurprisingly.

Lohan was reportedly talking such nonsense, the film team was rendered speechless. "I think she really saw it in our faces how baffled we were."

Think so? Hard to say, at this point.

Steve Granitz/Getty Images; Hulton Archive/Getty Images

There's a new tell-all in town, which is sort of like saying Lindsay Lohan is close to the end.

But, look, this one's worth picking up: Über-talented Hollywood writer and expert William Mann just came out with How to Be a Movie Star: Elizabeth Taylor in Hollywood, and Mann tells us personally who is best filling Taylor's infamous man-eating, glittery actress shoes today: Angelina Jolie.

Now, let's look at this as the good students of slutty Hollywood history that we are:

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Jemal Countess/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
Couldn't agree more with Taylor Momsen being in your Underage in Hollywood Gallery. She shouldn't be attending all these events like she is and dress the way she does! She's 16! Where is her mother?
—Janvier

Dear Stage Mom:
Her mom could be right beside this 16-year-old, egging her on. Not every mom has to be absent for her to be a bad influence—hello Dina Lohan.

Dear Ted:
I'm not buying that celebrities lose weight only by working out and eating healthy. I work out hard and eat healthy and I don't look nearly as tight and toned as they do. They must use pills, nose candy and starvation? Am I on the right track?
—Mobey

Dear Thinking Thin:
Many use all three. And some have incredibly pricey trainers and nutritionists watching their every move. I doubt there's one star out there who just goes to the gym now and again all by themselves and keeps their taut bod.

Dear Ted:
I read that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have recently become obsessed with reading the rumors involving them online, thinking they're hilarious. True? If so, you want to give them a shout-out (since if they're reading anything, they should be reading your blolumn, natch)?
—Marian

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James Breeden/ Bret Thompsett, PacificCoastNews.com

Dear Ted:
I've read that Britney Spears was on meth and that's what helped to fuel her "crazy" phase. Is that really true? It's hard to believe that she would do something so stupid when she had two little boys. Does she still have a drug problem, if it really was drugs that she was on back then?
—Curious

Dear Toxic:
Brit wasn't in her right mind back then—no idea on the meth, but whatever she was doin', it was all pretty dangerous when you're responsible for caring for two defenseless kids.

Dear Ted:
Now that Michael Lohan has been "publicly outing" Lindsay Lohan for prescription drugs, etc., can you finally out her as Morgan Mayhem, please?! This is just ridiculous!
—anj779

Dear Obvious:
What fun would that be?

Dear Ted:
I'm a big fan of you and Robsten. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart look like they are crazy in love with each other. My question is, who is more in love for the other? Is Rob for Kristen or Kristen for Rob? Because looks like it is Rob who is more in love. Kristen looks more distant.
—Isis

Dear Love Rating:
They're both totally committed to each other—why so adamant about declaring a winner between them?

Dear Ted:
Everyone seems to assume that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is a tomboy and picks out her clothes. Is it possible that Angelina still thinks of her as a blob (her word, not mine!) and dresses her that way? Oversized hand-me-down boy's pants, clunky boots, dark clothes, man's tie around her neck, the hats… please, she's a 3-year-old girl. It's too contrived to be anything but A.J.'s choice for some lame reason.
—Don'tMessHerUp

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Chuck Hodes/HBO

Twitter may be the perfect way to find out what your fave celebs are eating for lunch—or to get a quick peek at Demi Moore's ass, thanks to hubby Ashton. But is the fun social network device now getting to be more trouble than it's worth?

Hung's Jane Adams (a doll we totally love) was caught dine-and-dashing at Barney Greengrass restaurant recently, via her stilted waiter's Twitter account. Tsk-tsk, babe!

She had her rep go back to the eatery and pay the bill the next day, but the deal had already been tweeted online.

Adams, at least, had less to worry about than the angry server, who ended up being fired for tweet-bitching about the incident (in addition to providing reports on other celebrities he's served).

But that may be just the beginning of Twitter backlash...

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Jeff Vespa/Getty Images, Carlos Alvarez/Getty Images, ABC/Adam Larkey, Lester Cohen/Getty Images

The Awful Truth is just as obsessed with our Blind Vices as you nosy folks are, so we decided to take a brief glimpse back at some of our fave celebs honored in our sin-celebrating section. Too fun!

Those celebs featured in our new Blind Vice Superstars gallery are top-drawer Vice subjects, every last one of 'em. And not the minor pissy supporting players, but the major starring beloved Vicers.

No, we're not outing anybody in our photo flip book, though we have in the past—Blind Vices for Teri Hatcher (Death-Mint Myrtle), David Duchovny (Sylvester Slimeball), Doug Reinhardt (Dexter Lecter) have all been revealed, along with a few other trouble-loving stars.

See? We're good sports! And one of these famous faces could be the next Blind babe we're totally willing to expose.

Don't be too cocky like ya know who each one is...There have been many hundreds of B.V.'s over the years, and these are just 25 choice celebs.

Can ya guess who's who? Happy hunting, folks! Here's to foul play!

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Meet 25 of Hollywood's most A-list secret-keepers in our Blind Vice Superstars gallery!

Michael Buckner/Getty Images; Frazer Harrison/Getty Images

Per usual, celeb drug abusers are getting hand slaps left and right while unlucky Cameron Douglas is apparently going to have to pay the price for everybody else. And just because he pushed dope instead of snorting it in every bathroom stall around Hollywood, like most everybody else does.

Latest idiotic development being that Douglas's girlfriend, Kelly Sott, according to police documents, tried to smuggle an electric toothbrush crammed with heroin into the Upper East Side apartment in which Douglas is currently under house arrest. Is this really any stupider than what half the starlets do quite openly in the women's restrooms of myriad public clubs? Hardly.

Despite the sheer ridiculousness of the whole Douglas situation, which we definitely don't condone, we can't help but wonder why the blame has to fall entirely on Douglas, who faces possible life in prison. Shouldn't his buyers be the ones to pay, too?

Celebrity starlets like Morgan Mayhem, Fake à la Ferocity and Emma Uh-Oh are constantly spotted doing blow en masse at Hollywood hangs and events, yet how can justice possibly be defended when they get off without so much as a warning? But when there is some kind of judicial chastising, it's hilariously inept: The most offensive may be Redmond O'Neal, son of Ryan O'Neal and the late Farrah Fawcett, who had been given billions of chances to go to rehab and who hadn't take any of them before he got his ass thrown in jail for possession in April. Where the hell is his potential life sentence?

This is just completely out of whack. Cameron Douglas is just the Martha Stewart of the celeb drug set; he's the sacrificial dime-bag lamb and an ineffective one at that. Not going to do a goddamn thing to curtail drug use in Hollywood. Now, throw Lindsay or Mischa in jail, that'll send a chilling shout-out to substance-addled T-town. But some Oscar-winning legend's pathetic son?

Nobody buying or using illegal pills and junk in this town is going to blink. Guarantee it.

ABC Family

Before getting our True Blood fix last night, we checked out Lindsay Lohan's latest flick, Labor Pains, which debuted on ABC Family. Our review in five words: Stick to spray tanning, Linds.

Not as genuinely funny as Mean Girls, and not as unintentionally hilarious as I Know Who Killed Me, the predictably heinous movie was more embarrassing for supersupporting talent like Cheryl Hines or Bonnie Somerville than it was for Lohan. We've grown to not expect much from Linds anymore. But babes like Cheryl and Bonnie are just going down with the skanky ship.

We even spoke to Somerville about it, and Bonnie dutifully relayed to us what it was really like to work with the infamous tabloid target:

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Lindsay Lohan is starring in the ABC Family movie Labor Pains this weekend, which we simply cannot wait for.

But her alter ego is appearing in something a little less family-friendly—but friggin' hilarious! Lohan's love life, trials and triumphs have inspired a porn movie, and you can check out the (nongraphic) trailer for it above.

Love the nod to E!, too, as this thing is even called Untrue Hollywood Stories. And gotta admire the audacity to not even switch L2 or Samantha Ronson's names for some similar, pornier monikers.

In fact, the girl playing Linds looks so much like her—are we sure it isn't her? It's not like we haven't seen her baring it all before anyway. 

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Totally keep up with Lindsay Lohan news, pics and clips on our celeb fan page.