The Awful Truth

Bloomington Police Dept

Seen the latest pseudo celeb mug shot to hit the Net? No, it ain't Lindsay for a change! It's our good, badly behaving buddy T.J. Miller!

You 'member Teej, right? He's the Cloverfield actor and Saturday Night Live hopeful we exclusively reported about last August who totally blew his big shot at comedy stardom by showing up to his SNL audition obnoxious and the total opposite of sober.

TJM totally refuted our dead-on reporting, but now that he's been arrested for drunken driving, complete with the sassiest mug shot we've seen since Paris Hilton, guess it just proves Miller's sights are more set for boozehounding than career building.

Didn't he learn anything from Nicole Richie and Shia LaBeouf? Get filthy famous first, then get into all the trouble you want!

AP Photo/Reed Saxon

With this ridiculous legal decision for Redmond O'Neal to be given yet another rehab chance, you have to wonder if L.A.'s robed crowd is on crack themselves.

Do these judges not reside in Los Angeles? Are they not in the least bit knowledgeable of how the dysfunctional O'Neals live to act out—whether with drugs, rage or death—over and over again? Or are they just enamored of their celebrity?

What idiocy to give Redmond "another chance" at getting his act together. He's had plenty. Put him to work cleaning up the streets, jail, anything, Mr. Judge. I mean, isn't that what we pay you to do? To figure out the best legal recourse for everybody? 'Cause this ain't it.

And you're telling me if an African-American nonceleb was caught violating his parole with heroin on his ass, some court would be even debating what to do? Blind hypocrisy, thy name is the Los Angeles judicial system.

AP Photo/Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department

Happy St. Patty’s, folks! Today’s the top holiday for making bad decisions while being piss drunk—and celebs are no exception. In fact, when they ef by swigging back all sorts of sinful concoctions, their careers only seem to get hotter! Look at the loot Mel Gibson’s religious flicks make. Or look at fab hot celeb mama Nicole Richie if you don’t believe me.

So in honor of the day where drinking booze and getting in trouble is the only tradition, here’s A.T.’s top five celeb DUIs of all time:

Lindsay Lohan: I personally favor DUIs where Linds extends all logic by insisting the cocaine found on her person didn’t belong to her—neither did the pants she was wearing. With an imagination like that, LiLo should stop being an actress and become a screenwriter. 

Paris and Barron Hilton: Both Hilton sibs know what it’s like to drive under the influence and be left in jail. We bet Nicky feels left out; it’s only a matter of time until she’s on this list, too. She’d prolly pose for a better mug shot than Barron, also.

Mel "Sugar Tits" Gibson: Prolly the most career-threatening DUI in the history of celebs driving under idiocy. But hey, Mel apologized to God and Diane Sawyer, so everything’s cool.

Shia LaBeouf: The worst DUI on the list, 'cause he wasn’t even charged. Sure, Shi-Shi’s car crash busted up his hand—and possibly his day job—but he was found not at fault for the accident. Ever hear of an innocent, completely sober driver refusing a Breathalyzer test? We haven’t, either.

Nicole Richie: Definitely the best DUI on the list. Why? 'Cause it finally wised up former bad girl Nic once ‘n’ for all (getting pregnant at the same time didn’t hurt, either). Ritchie’s finally behind the wheel again, and we’re not even scared. Good job, doll!

Remember, be nice to your liver today, babes, and go easy on all the green beer.

Jason Kempin/WireImage.com

This we had been hearing about for some time, and now we know it pretty much for a fact, at least enough for a gossip column, dolls, that much is clear.

In the fight that's brewing (and then some) between Mrs. Ritchie and Guy Ritchie, expect most legal shots to be aimed from the barrels of Camp Guy, who will be, forthwith, performing the role of the jilted, loyal, loving, daddy-dude. That card is so going to be played, in courts of law, in courts of gossip, and, most importantly, in the court of public opinion.

G.R. is determined—and I mean that in every sense of the attorney-spoken word—to see to it that he is viewed as the one La Madge discarded in favor of more Latino pastures. This will be most key in instances of custody, finances, visitation and...headlines, trust.

AP Photo/Ron Lewis

“Oprah has the legal and PR edge here. [Headmistress Nomvuyo Mzamane] is going to the well twice—she took advantage of Winfrey’s name and money. And I think she betrayed Oprah on an issue that goes to Oprah’s core integrity."

—Jenny Durkan, criminal and civil litigator based in Washington, commenting on the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy’s headmistress and her complaint against O.W., a formidable foe at best, eh?

Santa Barbara Police Department

First, the good news: Heather Locklear is 47 and still doesn't have a wrinkle on her. Whether it's Botox or elegant ageing doesn't matter—gal is still stunning, even when she looks terrified.

The bad news: After Heath was arrested in Santa Barbara because of "erratically driving" under suspicion of a non-alcohol, controlled substance, her custody sitch with equally dubiously traveling ex, Richie, doesn't look good. Jeez, we gettin' another case of which is the less combustible parent, à la K-Fed and Brit here? Hope not. Hey, at least it wasn't booze, that's sorta refreshing for a change of pace.

Looks-wise, since we're very, very shallow folks here at A.T., H.L.'s signature coif could sure use a comb-through, and babe's mascara is running around her saucer-size eyes faster than J.Lo during a triathlon. But how many people could look this fresh-faced after being picked up by the po po? At least Lock-hon doesn't have to add "beauty" to her list of growing problems.

What's wrong, Heathie? Starting to regret your David Spade days? Hope ya get some help—we like seeing your picture taken on a red carpet or at a beach, not in jail.

—Additional sass by Becky Bain

Amy Sussman/Getty Image; Albert L. Ortega/Getty Images; Michael Simon/Startraks

There must be something in Hollywood's Vitamin Water, 'cause celebs are starting to get (even more) physical when it comes to the paparazzi, and in Nicole Richie's case, fans possibly aren't safe either.

According to Page Six, Nic went ape poop, 'course, in InWhySee last week when a Swedish tourist tried to take her pic. Richie hopped over the carpet rope and smashed the girl's camera to the ground shouting, "I'm not an animal!" As we're sure you've heard.

You may not be an animal, girlfriend, but you are a friggin' celeb whose career thrives off of your personal happenings. You think she'd be used to it by now.

La Lohan, too, had a little incident, and then there's the not-nice queen of them all, Kanye West. We all remember his airport battle last week when he flipped out, crashing cameras along the way, for no real reason. These three smackdowns happened within a week, what the ef's up?

Ya'll are gonna have to figure out a new way to deal with the snappity-snap of the camera, famous people. It may be annoying as Hell-Ay, but it comes with the territory. Deal. On second thought, don't. Then we'd have to go back to watching Lindsay's movies for entertainment.

—Additional sass by Taryn Ryder

David Livingston/Getty Images

Poor Mac. Babe just posted bail, but, honeys, was it a long time in coming. Let's see, Mackenzie's spent two days behind bars so far for her coke-and-heroin arrest at LAX yesterday. Went through hell just to get $10,000 scrapped together for bail. And let's see, her dad's estate is worth many millions of dollars and provides residuals of around $5 mil a year, at least, I'm told by musical experts.

Dad John Phillips, of Mamas and the Papas fame, owned "half to a quarter share of a lot of their hits," relayed a top music source, "and a few others, including the Beach Boy's "Kokomo." Gosh, stepmom Michelle, half sis Chynna and sis Bijou hoggin' it all for themselves? Unlikely on the latter, as B was one of the few Mac supporters who showed up in Van Nuys to help out her troubled sibling, who has a long history of relapsing into druggie black holes. How sad there's yet another one going down for Mackenzie.

And if these falling-off episodes go in threes, just like celebrity deaths always do, wonder who's next in luckless line behind Tatum and Michelle? Readers, any guesses?

Back at the hardly glam Van Nuys jail (no Bev Hills Winona Ryder-style law torture for this broad!) and regarding the rather small bail M.P. had to post, one of the legal types present bitched:

"It is such a small amount that it reveals to me that it is not about the finances. It may be about personal punishment," said the legalese insider. "Some people decide to leave their loved ones in jail."

Hey, didn't the family Hilton try to pull this admonishing bull with son Barron, when he got pulled over for boozy driving? Yeah, that little lesson worked out really well.

Phillips is scheduled to appear at the Airport Courthouse on La Cienega at 8:30 a.m. on Friday, to answer for the felony charge.