Ask the Answer B!tch

Are the Jonas Brothers the biggest band in the world? Because I think they are, and my family says no.
—Angelway

Hate to burst your 11-year-old bubble, little person, but your family is right. The Jonas Brothers are nowhere near the biggest band in the world, even when they are appearing on giant IMAX screens that make Kevin's boingy hair look eight miles high.

Currently the biggest-band title clearly belongs with...

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Jose Perez/INFphoto.com

My friends and I think we're obsessed with the Jonas Brothers. We're not sure just how obsessed we are, but it feels like we're bordering on obsession. So can you tell us how to determine if we're obsessed?
—Gina, Las Vegas

Put it this way: Do you lie to friends and family about how many hours you spend thinking about the sparkle on Kevin's promise ring? How it must glisten in the moonlight while the four winds caress his cheeks and blow innocent, playful kisses through his hair?

Do you think of nothing but their upcoming 3-D movie or their Grammy performance, not caring if you bankrupt yourself trying to get tickets?

That's obsession, clear and simple. And I get that from someone who would know...

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Disney, Lionsgate

What's with all these 3-D movies? I don't care if a movie is in 3-D. Does anybody?
—Darwin, Tennessee

You may not care right now, but what if I tell you that—seriously, hold on to your promise rings for this one—the Jonas Brothers are slated to appear in all three dimensions for a concert movie set for release on Feb. 27?

I know, right?!

This really is the year for digital 3-D, with tons of flicks out or on their way, including Coraline, G-Force, a rerelease of Toy Story and James Cameron's Avatar. Oh, and Steven Spielberg just started production on the 3-D ordeal The Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn, due out in 2011.

Truth is, though, it's too soon to say whether adding a dimension to movies is going to make a difference to anyone. Here's how I know...

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RIV/Fame Pictures

My best friend and I are arguing over who is more evil. The categories are the Jonas Brothers, Zach Efron, Miley Cyrus, or Twilight. So who do you think is more evil?
—Amelia

Technically, dear, the term would be most evil. If the contest were pared down to, say, Miley Cyrus vs. Twilight—which it should be—then the term would be more evil.

Now, the analysis: As much as you may despise the Jonas Brothers, they really do try to be nice, and they love them some Jesus, and they clean up before every public appearance, and they put on ties, and they say terribly sweet things to reporters. Let's leave them to their treacle.

Zac Efron, meanwhile, never really says anything, so we have nothing to nail him on.

That leaves Miley Cyrus and the sparkling vampires...

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AP Photo/Jose Luis Magana

I cannot tell the Jonas brothers apart. Please help me.
—May, Terre Haute

Easy. One's the emo-looking one, one's the quiet talent, one's the...other one.

I really don't blame you for being confused. They all seem to wear the same tie. There are no designated sluts within the band because all three of them wear purity rings. It's also really hard to find out who loves Jesus more, Kevin, Joe or Nick.

Now, for some specifics:

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INFDaily.com

Can you list the most underrated teen stars of this century, like maybe Leighton Meester, or, uh, Brenda Song?
—F.S.G.

If I say Leighton Meester, will you stop sending me questions about Brenda Song? Please? Do we have a deal? Meantime, forget Miley Cyrus. Rent season four of The Wire and check out Jermaine Crawford, now 16, and the ridiculously hot, cradle-robbery-worthy Tristan Wilds, 19, who's currently being wasted on the revamped 90210.

I am a huge Jonas Brothers fan, and I was wondering if either Joe or Kevin voted? If so, who did they vote for? I'm hoping that if they did vote that they voted for John McCain.
—Bethany

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Barry Wetcher/ Fox

I just watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua and I wonder if these dog "actors" get paid? They sure make lots and lots of cash for Disney.
—Jefry, Indonesia

Let's put it this way: Those puppies in the upcoming Marley & Me don't make nearly so much as Jennifer Aniston, even if some of them are much cuter.

The average pay for an "animal actor" is a few hundred a day; a feature film could earn a pooch into the tens of thousands. As for who exactly gets the money, the animal's owner and the pet's talent agency each take a cut. But caring for Hollywood dogs costs a bundle, and oftentimes, I'm told, the venture turns out to be a wash. Or a doggy bath.

Where can you send the Jonas Brothers fan mail?
—Anon

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Shea Walsh/AP Images for Xbox 360

If I wanted to send a gift to a celebrity, how could I make sure they got it?
—Dee Bee

Easy: by paying someone. For example, at the recent Justin Timberlake Shriners Hospitals benefit in Las Vegas, the Jonas Brothers received a bunch of very nice Xbox equipment (consoles, Lips, Guitar Hero World Tour, etc.).

The Xbox people hired a gifting firm called Distinctive Assets to ensure that only authentic Jonases received the booty. They built a lounge and staffed it with gifting gurus who weeded out stars from grifters. So when the Jonas Bros. came through, their purity rings gleaming, they were personally connected with their gifts, and everyone went away happy.

But maybe you don't have an extra $5,000 to $20,000 for this. Or you just want to send Miley Cyrus a teddy bear. Your gift has a better chance of hitting home with a few simple tips...

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Flynet

I hear Miley Cyrus is dating some guy named Justin Gaston. I also hear he's 20. Is it illegal for them to be dating because she's 15, or is it OK because she's famous?
—Megan, Atlanta, Ga.

If you are implying that Ms. Miley Cyrus, who has shielded herself with a purity ring to ward off sexing of any kind, would ever engage in nonvirgin-like relations with her gentleman friend—well! I! Never! Ms. Cyrus is as pure as a spring emanating from a Tibetan peak, and I know because her PR machine says so.

Let's stoop to your febrile level for a minute, here. To answer your question in detail, there is no law in California governing dating between minors. Dating, as in, going to a Pussycat Dolls show and then sleeping by oneself in one's bubblegum-pink Barbie bed.

But if you are asking about intimate contact between Cyrus and Gaston, and what criminal charges such a union might trigger, well, that's a different story...

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Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

I feel like a total creep asking this (I'm too old to be thinking about them!), but I'm a fashion student and I simply must know: Do the Jonas Brothers have a stylist? What are some of the labels they wear most?
—Chelsey, Austin, Texas

The Jonas Brothers say they have a stylist named Michelle Tomaszewski. She puts them in L. Lindeberg and Dior. Just in case you hope to run into Nick at your hometown Dior boutique, let me crush that teen fever dream forthwith. "She brings the clothes to us," Nick told the Virginian-Pilot in July.

Really? Is Jennifer Lopez the only A-lister who doesn't smoke?
—Kristen

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Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images

How do you get VIP or backstage passes at concerts? I'm not a crazy, but I would love to meet Foo Fighters next time they play here.
—Jenna, Melville, N.Y.

I'd like to take this opportunity to dedicate this column to Kevin, That Other Jonas, who gets such little love from the kids. Everyone is always going on about Foo Fighters or Rihanna or the two hot Jonas Brothers. Doesn't anyone want to hang out backstage with What's-His-Name Jonas? Kevin? No?

Anyway, no matter. From what I learned today from Industry insiders, you stand very little chance of a backstage meeting with any of the above. Sorry. Actually, no I'm not. But I am fairly certain in my convictions. Find out exactly what's wrong with you after the jump.

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