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In between fake breaking up with his girlfriend, posing with fellow infamous pop-culture trainwrecks, befriending rabbis and showing a modicum of self-awareness by promoting mocking himself in viral videos, Jon Gosselin has found time to fight back against TLC.

The former reality TV dad is countersuing the Jon and Kate Plus 8 cable net, answering their widening breach-of-contract suit against him by claiming TLC not only violated child labor laws while filming his octobrood at their Pennsylvania compound, but made him sign a totally unfair contract that severely restricted him from pimping Ed Hardy, making the entertainment news show rounds and doing whatever else it is he does to earn money these days.

Aside from alleging that the network caused him to lose business opportunities and harmed his reputation (we weren't aware he needed help on that last one), Gosselin claims in his $5 million suit that the network has also failed to make good on the promise of some cold, hard cash.

"Jon is going to court with a slingshot and is going to aim it at the eye of the monster, TLC," attorney Mark Heller told E! News.

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Jon Gosselin now believes he's a big enough celebrity to do one of those self-referential Funny or Die videos where famous people make fun of themselves and then we think they're cool for a few minutes. (See: Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony one or Paris Hilton's presidential campaign.)

It's all about what he can do to erase the mistakes he's made over the past year. Simple things like: get rid of those earrings, ditch the Ed Hardy, stop going to clubs, don't hang out with the paparazzi and delete Michael Lohan from his phone.

This is all stuff he should actually do, too. In real life. Not in a fake Internet video. So watching him pretend to stop being douchey when he's still being douchey just makes him more douchey.

Also, he probably should have just posted this on YouTube rather than asking people to vote whether he's funny or should die. That's just asking for trouble.

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Now, to cleanse your palate, check out Taylor Swift doing her cute, sincere thing in our Big Pic gallery.

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Hailey Glassman and Michael Lohan have never met a camera they didn't like. But right about now they're probably wishing they had just kept their media-whoring mouths shut.

And if they're not, then Jon Gosselin certainly is.

TLC's pit-bull law firm has unveiled its wish list of Gosselin hangers-on to be grilled in the network's breach-of-contract suit against the octodad, and in a surprise to no one, both Glassman and Lohan are tops on their wish list.

In addition to the publicity parasites, the Washington, D.C.-based firm of Williams & Connolly wants to depose Thomas Meinelt, the paparazzo turned Gosselin bodyguard who is no doubt harboring extensive dirt on his new boss; Jon's divorce attorneys Michael and Mark Heller; and Matthew Kirschner, the rep for the "talent" that is J.Goss.

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Last night was Kate Gosselin's turn to speak and pause for dramatic effect get choked up. And because there's no way she could have the last word for more than a few hours, now it's Jon Gosselin's turn.

This time the word is "lieing." It reminds us of the time he misspelled his own name on a huge sign threatening some sort of "penelty" to trespassers at his home.

Of course, he takes a break from his current apology tour and starts today with a Twitter update that appears innocent enough. However, thanks to an extended tweet program, looks can be deceiving.

"Got up early this morning took Mady and Cara to the bus, Came home to then hug my other 6 little morsels," he begins. That's almost all you can see in the basic version but, if you dare click that ellipses-like link, you've got some of Papa G's patented spell-check-defying bitterness in store. He takes on ex-GF Hailey Glassman and then lays into Kate.

Prepare for the sweet to get increasingly salty.

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It is so easy to scoff at every apology that comes out of Jon Gosselin's sorry mouth.

He's a joke, you say. He's a loser, you say. He poses for pictures like, well, the one above, you remind.

And most of all, you offer as final argument, he's a celebrity, and not even a very good one at that.

To you, the idea that Jon Gosselin's recent mea culpas are sincere and heartfelt is laughable. Believe Jon Gosselin?! Trust Jon Gosselin?! Root for Jon Gosselin?!

To which we simply say, yes.

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The Kate-Gosselin-Sets-It-Straight train rolled into Remorseland today.

The reality-TV star whose show has been postponed out from under her admits in her latest interview that she isn't proud of the Jon & Kate Plus 8 moments she spent berating hubby Jon Gosselin or otherwise bossing him around.

"I was very hard on him and I would never deny that," she said tonight on the TLC special Kate: Her Story. "I felt very much like a lot of weight rested on my shoulders."

"I was wrong to treat him that way," she added. "Was it good, healthy and wonderful? No. Am I proud of those moments that were captured? No."

Those moments were the ones that initially had the fans playing for Team Jon in the early days of their breakup—before new Jon reared his ugly (yet now apologetic) head.

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Diane Cohen/Fame Pictures

Déjà vu.

During Jon Gosselin's Sunday night appearance at New York City's West Side Jewish Center, the world's most famous reality dad had yet another public epiphany, alongside his newest companion, Rabbi Shmuley Boteach.

Everything got covered during Gosselin's forum, Gawker reports, including his excuse for arriving 40 minutes late. When he got over his own tardiness, he shared on his desire to be out of the spotlight, his rumored split with Hailey Glassman and his request for forgiveness from his estranged wife, Kate.

"I think I'm just misunderstood. I'm not a fame seeker. Everyday I look in the mirror and I wonder [why I'm famous]," the reality star explained at the public event. "I don't sing. I don't dance. I'm not a Nobel Peace Prize winner. I just had eight kids and I had a show on TLC."

TLC fame or not, Gosselin says he in no way condones his actions over the past few months.

"Half the stuff I've done, if I look at my moral compass, I shouldn't have done," he said. "I know that, but I did it anyway. It's like fame canceled out conviction. I didn't grow up this way. But I have to keep on going, keep on working and providing." And in regard to his children, Gosselin stated: "I know I'll have to explain my actions."

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Maybe Jon Gosselin should give Hailey Glassman a call once he's retethered to his "moral anchor."

A day after apologizing in every direction for his recent misguided behavior, a source tells E! News that the father of eight and his 22-year-old girlfriend are "taking a break."

A rep for Gosselin had no comment on any of the stories swirling today about the duo splitting up.

Another insider close to them says that Glassman has always been "very indifferent and noncommittal. And this isn't the first time she said she can't take it anymore."

No, it isn't. Glassman, the daughter of the plastic surgeon who performed Kate Gosselin's tummy tuck after the eight had all arrived, told The Insider recently that her man threw "mantrums," and that she "shouldn't have to put up with being emotionally abused."

"Sometimes he has trouble with the truth, and he will dance and dance around his lies. He's like Jekyll and Hyde. But I still love him."

Well, it was Jekyll who reared his head yesterday.

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Well, well, well. Looks like you can teach old, press-hungry, reality-has-been, selfunaware, partner-hopping dogs new tricks.

Or at least teach them to hire a better spin doctor.

In an exclusive statement to E! News, Jon Gosselin has apologized for, well, everything he's put the media-watching public through over the past few months. And that includes new promises to Kate Gosselin and their plus 8.

His epiphany came after bogus reports surfaced yesterday linking him to a reality project with the other Octomom.

"I am troubled to learn that the media has accepted as true the scurrilous rumor that I would appear in a reality television program with Nadya Suleman. This is utterly false. I do however accept that some of my previous actions have in some way lent credence to such outrageous stories."

He continues: "I am well aware that my behavior over the past few months has not always reflected my personal and religious values.

"I further accept that I have allowed myself to become somewhat severed from my own moral anchor and be carried away by the challenges of fame. It is for this reason that I have endeavored of late to reconnect with my deeper, more spiritual, more altruistic self with regular study sessions and counseling."

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The way we figure, there are two kinds of Kate Gosselin people: those who don't like her and those who dislike Jon Gosselin more.

This being the case, we are baffled by news that a Kate Gosselin wig is selling out in costume stores and threatening to take over Halloween 2009 with its cowlick gone crazy.

For the love of Octomom, what is wrong you people?

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That sound you hear is the nation's TiVos spontaneously powering down in protest.

Earlier this month, Octomom Nadya Suleman activated gag reflexes everywhere by revealing she had a crush on Jon Gosselin, going so far as to dub him "hot." Earlier this morning, In Touch Weekly took that cry for help revelation and ran with it, claiming that the publicity-hungry, parentally challenged duo would be coupling up in a new reality dating show.

And while we can only pray the report didn't give them any ideas, it also (for now) is not true...depending on who you ask.

The supermarket staple quoted the oddly credible former producer of Cheaters, who claimed that the show would follow Gosselin contemplating not only "what hooking up with Octomom could really be like," but what their home life might be like if their respective 14- and 8-strong broods fused, like the Brady Bunch on steroids.

"I heard that Nadya has an insatiable desire to spend time with Jon and to put their families together," producer Bobby Goldstein told the tabloid. "And I had the idea that this could be a very entertaining fiasco." (Apparently Goldstein never heard of one Hailey Glassman.)

It may be Halloween week, but no one deserves this type of scare. Luckily, Gosselin's manager has stepped in to put a lid on the madness, debunking the report and once again restoring order to the television universe.

"This is the first I've even heard of it," he said. "This isn't happening."

Not that it wasn't at one point in the works, with a rep for the would-be trainwreck boasting of email records to prove it.

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UPDATE: Kate Gosselin's attorney, Mark Momjian, just released the following statement to E! News about today's hearing:

"We are clearly pleased that the monies taken by Mr. Gosselin have been returned to the marital account, and we look forward to recouping additional monies taken by Mr. Gosselin at the time of the parties' private arbitration hearings...Despite his initial comments denying responsibility, we have established that Ms. Gosselin needed emergency relief to prevent her economic claims from being compromised.
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It was the Jon Minus Kate show this morning.

Mr. Gosselin arrived sans his estranged missus in a Pennsylvania court to let the judge know he indeed paid back $180,000 he had improperly withdrawn from the couple's joint account.

Jon sought to turn the tables, telling Judge Arthur Tilson that the MIA Kate needed to account for $33,000 in missing moola.

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