The Awful Truth

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Dear Ted:
Any dirt on Joe Jonas? And do you think he really did cheat on Taylor Swift? Too bad, I liked them as a couple.
—Phii 

Dear Joe Dirt:
I like Tay-squared better. And no new dirt on Jonas, other than he's in Madrid alone right now. Pity the poor Spaniard chicks there who get treated like he did Taylor. Who does Joe think he is, Doug Reinhardt? And it's just dumb that Joe's still supposed to be so clean and innocent. Give me Nick any day. And as for Swift—how come she always comes out from these Hollywood relayshes unscathed? It's very suspicious, I'm keeping my eye on that cutie.

Dear Ted:
You know, I think Brad Pitt likes his women skinny. Gwyneth Paltrow got even thinner when they were together and so did Jennifer Aniston. I bet Angie lives on celery and lettuce out of fear that if she puts on the pounds, Brad will leave her for a younger, sexier and thinner starlet.
—Hmph 

Dear Nice Catch:
You know, thinking back on it, they all did skinny up while with him. But they don't all share the same eating habits, trust.

Dear Ted:
Did you see the Taylor Lautner interview the other night with Giuliana Rancic? She asks him what he likes to do on a first date, and he mentions that maybe "going to a game, like a hockey game." Oh really? Like the one he went on with Taylor Swift? More proof Tay-Tay is really happening? What do you think?
—Vanness

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Dear Ted:
What would you think about Natalie Portman playing Tanya in the upcoming Twilight movies! She is one of the female vamps from the Denali clan who wanted Edward for herself and doesn't get what all the fuss is over Bella. I know it's a long shot, but I think throwing Nat into the mix would be so good! Nothing can come between Robsten in my mind, but it sure would be fun to watch.
—Casting Temptess

Dear Portman Picking:
We'd say Nat was too high profile for this sort of gig, but the Twi flicks are the new Harry Potter franchise for A-listers to sink their teeth into. Get her agent on the phone! Unless of course Kristen Stewart's worried that Rob Pattinson's eyes might wander back to Ms. Oscar nominee?

Dear Ted:
I just saw the video of Channing Tatum stripping before he became famous. So what is the other gossip on Mr. G.I. Joe studmuffin? Blind Vice material?
—Muscle lover

Dear Tatum Teaser:
Well, Chan's got a thang for costars, he's A-OK with fairies and he and Scarlett Johansson have oodles in common. Like Scar, Chan hasn't been inducted into our Blind Vice club yet—but just you wait!

Dear Ted:
Why would you say Rob doesn't have manners based off of a couple of videos last week of Rob and Kristen trying to make a quick getaway? I am sure that wasn't a priority in those moments. And from what I have heard, Rob is a very nice guy and does have manners and treats people very well, including Kristen. And why would we want him to be like Taylor Lautner? Taylor is a typical Hollywood boy. Rob isn't, which is part of his appeal. I don't want Rob to take lessons from Taylor because that would make him boring because he would lose his originality. There are enough "Taylors" in Hollywood.
—Vaughan

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'Course, Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle are officially O-V-E-R. Can't say we're all that surprised, and not just because young H'wood love is as short-lived as a Paris Hilton engagement, but because we knew all along that Camilla was one crafty, hot little babe.

She gets photographed out with Robert Pattinson one day—a guy who will obviously get her a crap-ton of press—and then she's seen flirting it up with tennis star Fernando Verdasco the moment he's hot, too.

All the while stringing along the delicate Jonas Brother.

So who will rebound faster: Joe (who is richer, more famous and just the absolute cutest) or Camilla (who looks like a Megan Fox in training)?

Well Dr. Casablanca, Ph.D. in raunchy rebound love, says...

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Dear Ted:
Bitch-Back! is my favorite thing to read on the Internet! It looks like you were right when you said you thought Rihanna would return to Chris Brown. This is really sad to me. The example she’s setting for young girls is that they aren't worthy of being treated with respect. I hope her particular situation doesn't end in tragedy.
—Melinda

Dear Sass-a-Frass:
You and me both, hon. We’ll have to wait and see what her next step is after she comes out of hiding. Undoubtedly it will be self-flagellation of some sort or another.

Dear Ted:
Why don't you go play in traffic? Thanks. No really, do it.
—Eralku 

Dear Fire Starter:
Care to join me?

Dear Ted:
Hello, Hot Stuff! Is Brain-Fry Noodlestein Ben Stiller?
—Jiggy

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Sipa via AP Images, Paul Fenton/ZUMAPress.com

Trouble may be brewing in teenybopperville. We cornered the Jonas brothers at the glittery Carousel of Hope affair in Beverly Hills. We demanded an up-to-date rundown, of sorts, about who's taken and who ain't.

There's some urgent juice here, so read on:

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