The Awful Truth

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Dear Ted:
One of my favorite shows on TV is Gossip Girl, but I've got to know if there is any dirt on the costars? Seems as if Blake Lively and Leighton Meester don't get along too well. Also does anyone else, besides Chace Crawford of course, have a Blind Vice?
—Melia

Dear G.G. Gossip:
When Team Awful has spotted the two girls out partying, the two girls haven't even acknowledged each other. Battle of the egos, I'm thinking. As for being B.V. subjects, Chacey-poo is the only one holding down the naughty G.G. fort.

Dear Ted:
This is completely random, but did you know that if you made Tom Cruise a blond, he would look just like Peter Facinelli? It's creepy! On a completely different note, who's Terry Tush-Trade? For the love of all that's holy and good, Ted (I know you're a devout Presby)! I have to know. Your loving, devoted and faithful followers want, need, to know. Please! It's almost Christmas ya know. Spill!
—Bubble 

Dear Twins:
Um, no way will Facinelli ever look like Cruise. You might be right, but I refuse to imagine it. As for TTT, my lips are sealed until Terry's are not. Or until he gets caught with one of those damn flipcams.

Dear Ted:
It is 4 a.m. here in Chicago, and I am up sipping tea to sooth my never-ending sore throat. I just saw a snippet of Robin Robertson's interview with Janet Jackson. She was talking about M.J.'s death and her family's attempt at interventions. She also puts it out there who she blames for her brother's death. Although she looked beautifully madeup and composed in the interview, her eyes looked so sad. Any thoughts? Is Janet really speaking from the heart?
—Irish_blue

Dear Questioning Heartache:
Janet speaks more from the heart, whereas Joe speaks more from the pocketbook. But there are still many things left unsaid in this family.

Dear Ted:
I just don't think Taylor-Squared is real. With the obvious hints in interviews and how it's conveniently getting them more attention around the rerelease of her album and the release of New Moon, it just seems too perfect. And if Taylor Swift's a good friend, she wouldn't date Selena Gomez's ex. It just doesn't make sense.
—Robs 

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There's a new tell-all in town, which is sort of like saying Lindsay Lohan is close to the end.

But, look, this one's worth picking up: Über-talented Hollywood writer and expert William Mann just came out with How to Be a Movie Star: Elizabeth Taylor in Hollywood, and Mann tells us personally who is best filling Taylor's infamous man-eating, glittery actress shoes today: Angelina Jolie.

Now, let's look at this as the good students of slutty Hollywood history that we are:

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Happy Friday! We're feeling frisky today, so we've got tons of horny helpings to kick-start your weekend. And who better to get you feeling all kinds of dirty (not necessarily in a good way) than John Mayer?

Last time we checked in on Mayer, he was being linked to blond dumbshells Jessica Simpson and Kristin Cavallari. We concluded that lovely item with J.M.'s pal claiming John wanted nothing to do with either babe.

Uh, well it's been like three weeks since then, so obviously someone must be keeping John's bed sheets warm.

Who do we have up this time but...Jen Aniston? And Cavallari...again?

Oh boy, here we go:

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Krista Kennell/Sipa Press via AP Images

"Oh god, no. No. I don't wanna trip all over. No way!"

—Superfine R&B babe Eve, when we asked if she's gonna use the new roller-skating skills she picked up while making Whip It in one of her music videos.

C'mon, hon, we know you'd look 10 times hotter in a pair of skates than Jessica Simpson did in that totally lame "A Public Affair" vid of hers. You couldn't come off more desperate than that!

INFdaily.com

I need to get this over with: It's been a difficult summer, as my partner, Jon Powell, and I have been separated for much of it. We have recently agreed to end our union, which was just more than a year old.

This is not what I wanted. But I accept it. These are painful, horribly strange words for me to write, but I need to move on, and this is the best way for me to do it. It's now out there, something I dreaded stating.

When I mentioned months ago that I'd started smoking again...

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Another day, another vagina that John Mayer is linked to. It was rumored two days ago that John has rekindled his, um, messy romance with ex Jessica Simpson. In Touch reports that Jess desperately needed some male attention, so she ran back to Mayer despite all the humiliating things he has done to her.

Lucky for us, though, John's bed is like a revolving stripper platform, so we weren't so shocked when we had another sleazy report to play with—supposedly J.M. has been banging Hills star Kristin Cavallari on and off for two years. It was revealed that this blind item run by the always-delish Page Six was about J&K:

"Which womanizing crooner has been dating a reality TV starlet for more than two years, putting her up in hotels wherever he travels for shows?"

Random. So which blessed gal is actually John's mattress candy?

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Has Jessica Simpson totally given up on herself? Jessy was once the fun-loving, supersmiley gal in H'wood. Now, following yet another public breakup, every time we see her out and about, she looks totally down in the dumps (and maybe just a li'l bit drunk), like she can't even fake being happy anymore.

And rumors are swirling she's rebounding from her Romo relaysh with former BF and current d-bag John Mayer, which couldn't be more masochistic behavior, considering he just might have been the abusive boyfriend she previously bitched about.

Look, Jess, we get why you'd still hold a candle for J.M. He's a talented musician who writes sorta-hot makeout music. And except for that dork-hot tattoo sleeve, he's pretty doable, too. Looks OK in a bikini. And your brother-in-law Pete Wentz is good friends with Mayer, so hooking back up with him would make double dating with your sis and her hubby totally perf. We know you and John have a history, and the sex was probably great (when it wasn't disgusting), but you don't always need to be with somebody! Especially not the same dude who told you to back off in his blog.

Take some single time to figure out the one thing more effed than your love life: your career. And if you're worried about not finding your soul mate in time to have kids, you can always ask your hair stylist and BFF Ken Paves to be a sperm donor. He's not only the one guy in your life who has yet to let ya down, but he's gotten into fights defending your Southern-born ass. We heartily approve!

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Another day, another memoir, right? After George W. Bush left office, that seems to be the theme of the ex-employees of his administration. The newest juicy tell-all, Speech-Less: Tales of a White House Survivor comes from former speechwriter Matt Latimer and recounts all the dirty-dirty of the hilarious (we're told) chaos surrounding Bush's time in office.

And guess who's getting a mention in the book? Yours truly!

It comes on very good authority that your very own Teddy C. is totally name-dropped at some point in the manuscript. Of course, it's got to be something tacky. Could it be my mention of Laura moving out of the White House? Or all my blabbing about Dubya's drinking habits? Or what an idiot I am to continue to give this Bozo more press in the first place? Who knows what this ex-Bushie has to say about the Awful Truth?

Well, we're not too sure where we fall in the pages, but here's something juicy from the memoir that we can share with all of you lovely readers...

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FAME Pictures

"They were cute—I know Tony a little; I've met Jessica once. But don't blame it on Jessica! And on that note, Dallas just wasn't that good this year! I didn't say Tony, but Dallas just didn't have it. Maybe next year."

—ESPN know-it-all Chris Berman, on the Jessica Simpson-Tony Romo split. We asked the dude if Jess and Tony's relationship was cursed like the Dallas Cowboys supposedly were during the playoffs. Remember when Jess went to watch T.R. and ended up being blamed for his s—tty performance? Even Romo teammate Terrell Owens had some choice words for the blonde. Hey, Jess, at least the commentators don't hate ya!

Fame Pictures; Jason Merritt/Getty Images

Supposedly a text message from John Mayer was the final straw in Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo's already rocky relationship. Radar Online reports that Tony dumped Jess on the spot when he picked up her phone, only to find that she'd been chatting back and forth with stinky J.M.

The goss earlier this year was that Tony's eye was wandering, too, which we heard was not true, so maybe Romo is one to get super-pissed if his gal is still in cahoots with her ex-lovah.

Could Jennifer Aniston's leftovers really be trying to get back with his former flame?

A friend of John's speaks out:

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Dear Ted:
You say Sean Penn is pathetic, but what about David Duchovny? He's as pathetic, even more pathetic that Penn, I'd say. He's stupid for not setting up with Gillian Anderson and coming back to Téa Leoni instead. I can't believe he's into that fake marriage again. I thought he was getting a divorce? I was starting to admire him again when I read your stuff about Gillovny. I totally think Gillian and David make a great couple and they do love each other for real. I'm tired of the same David and Téa s--t again. Their attitude cannot be good for their kids.
—Cris

Dear Old Habits Die Hard:
You're right, David and Sean are both pretty damn slimy. This is what makes other guys out there think it's totally acceptable to step out on a wife or girlfriend, 'cause they are always taken back! Women do the same and they're sluts.  

Dear Ted:
Will Earth actually stop rotating if there is one day without Twilight and overrated Robert Pattinson posts? Try it and let's see!
—In the dark about that whole Twilight thing

Dear New Gloom:
The world might not stop, but my inbox would overflow. Give Twi a chance—it's way more fun than any Lindsay, Paris or Jessica Simpson shenanigans. Don't you agree? 

Dear Ted:
Three questions actually: (1) You have used the word "fiery" to describe Robsten on two separate occasions since your Fourth of July post. Are you hinting that Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart actually did have a secret rendezvous that weekend? (2) You have alluded to R.P. and K.S. having "dating rules." Do they really, and what are they? (3) How much drama and secret controversy can a 19-year-old and 23-year-old who have been dating for less than six months (or so) have? Can you spill at least one thing? Thanks. P.S.: My daughter and I will be picking up an orangey-cinnamon tabby at the local shelter tomorrow. He is missing one ear and has several scars where fur will never grow. We fell in love with him the minute we saw him. I am naming him Teddy. Thanks.
—Ann

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Farrah Fawcett, at Peet's Coffee in Santa Monica, looking a lot healthier than goss rags are making her out to be. Some reports say the Charlie's Angel is way down to 85 pounds, but our source swears "she looks the same as always—not emaciated."

Tiny F2 might be bravely fighting cancer, but let's not write her obit when the gal's still out and about making coffee runs like the rest of us, 'K? Good!

One similar celeb fighting her own battle against how much people think she weighs was...

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