If you can't take the heat, get out of Martha Stewart's kitchen. That means you, Rachael Ray.

While it was just a week ago that the dueling domestic divas made nice by making their first joint appearances on their respective daytime chatfests, apparently a few days are all Stewart needed to make up her mind about Ray's culinary prowess. Or lack thereof.

In an interview set to air tonight on Nightline, the high priestess of homemaking shuts down any would-be comparisons with her long-rumored younger rival.

"Well, to me, she professed that she could—cannot bake," the ice queen begins. "She just did a new cookbook, which is just a reedit of a lot of her old recipes. And that's not good enough for me.

"Rachael is different," Stewart goes on. "She is more of an entertainer…with her bubbly personality, than she is teacher, like me. That's not what she's professing to be."

And lest there be any confusion, that's not a good thing. That sound you hear? That's the sound of it being on.

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Looks like Thanksgiving dinner at Aunt Katie's won't be happening this year.

Hearing that his former future mother-in-law, Sarah Palin, is a bit heartbroken by his decision to pose for Playgirl, Levi Johnston thought neither long nor hard and announced that he couldn't care less.

"You know what, I don't care if she sees them," he said of the not-full-frontal photos he took for the magazine, when E!'s cameras caught up with him today at L.A. International Airport.

"Who cares about what she says or does? I don't care. Forget about her," he said.

It's very obvious that the 19-year-old father of Palin's grandson, Tripp, doesn't care what she thinks, which is that Levi is "on a road that's not a healthy place to be."

True, the traffic on the road leading out of LAX is an accident waiting to happen...

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Carrie Prejean, for one, cares what Sarah Palin thinks.

Todd Williamson / Getty Images; Bruce Gifford/Getty Images

We were taught in nursery school that name-calling isn't nice, but some people never learn.

This morning, while Shanna Moakler was on The Wendy Williams Show to promote an eponymous makeup line and announce she is returning to her post as coexecutive director of the Miss California pageant, she took a jab at one of E!'s own.

She called Khloé Kardashian Odom a "donkey."

Needless to say, Khloé was less than pleased. While her pal Jonathan Cheban launched a Twitter attack, the reality star kept up with a bit more of a passive-aggressive reaction.

"Who is shana moakler???" she tweeted. "I have no idea who this girl is but I guess she is talking about me. Talk on honey...I can care less LOL."

Of course, it's fairly safe to say the new Mrs. Odom has heard of the old Mrs. Travis Barker. She called Kim the very same name more than a year ago.

Wisely, Shanna has since backtracked, taking to her own Twitter account to do exactly what her nursery school teacher would require of her—to say she's sorry.

"@KhloeKardashian, you are right," she wrote. "We don't know each other personally and I apologize for my comment this morning."

Think that's really the end of it?

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 Kourtney Kardashian is giving Shanna the stink eye in Big Pic!

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Britney Spears brought the Circus to town, but probably not the way she was hoping to.

Fans have been complaining about the quality of the pop tart's performance Down Under, even walking out of her show in Perth, according to reports in the Australian media.

The cause? Disgruntled concertgoers apparently accused the pop tart of lip-syncing during the dance numbers, as well as giving a lackluster performance overall, according to the Daily Telegraph.

One story even claims she was "boring."

John Mayer, who is in Australia promoting his album, joined the pile-on Sunday night, tweeting, "If you're shocked that Britney was lip-syncing at her concert and want your money back, life may continue to be hard for you." 

And what were Brit's people saying? Read on...

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twitter.com/lindsaylohan; Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images; Astrid Stawiarz/Getty Images

Lindsay Lohan 's reached her breaking point with her daddy dearest.

Hours after one of her phone calls to Michael Lohan, apparently secretly recorded by her father, was leaked to ostensibly to show her fragile state, the Parent Trapper attacked on two fronts. She took to Twitter to denouce his actions and also ordered her attorney to seek some kind of legal means to get him out of her life.

"My fathers such a loser & those recordings are from years ago," she tweets. "To release personal things is foul enough, but to edit them. I used to think. That he needed the book for dummies on learning how to be a father. Haha-he's needs the book for dummies on HOW TO BE A MAN."

The recordings, published by Radar Online, find the Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen actress sobbing as she laments to her papa that "no one cares about me" and pours her heart out about problems in their family and her failed relationship with on-off gal-pal Samantha Ronson.

Michael Lohan released the dramatic tape to back up his repeated claims that the 23-year-old needs assistance.

But, according to Linday's lawyer, Michael's the one who's going to need help.

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It's not quite the ultimate battle of good versus evil, but it'll do: America's Sweetheart is taking on a freshly jail-broken porn star in what's shaping up to be quite the headline-grabbing custody dispute.

The child in question is 5-year-old Sunny James, the daughter of Monster Garage host Jesse James and his trouble-plagued, sobriety-challenged, adult-film-star ex, Janine Lindemulder.

For the better part of the last year, James (with a massive maternal assist from wife Sandra Bullock) has had sole custody of the child, due primarily to the fact that Lindemulder has spent the past six months behind bars for tax evasion.

But now she's out and looking for a return stake in parental duties. And what better place to find that than Good Morning America?

"What would give her the right to take away my daughter?" Lindemulder said of Bullock, toward whom the majority of her ire seems directed. "This is my daughter. I'm the best mother I can be."

And while she admitted on the morning show that she's "absolutely made horrific choices in the past," she stresses that her life is currently back on track.

Though Bullock and James beg to differ.

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AP Photo/ Jennifer Graylock

Let's cut right to the chase: Oscar-winning writer-director Paul Haggis (Crash, Million Dollar Baby, Casino Royale) has publicly, blisteringly, bridge-burningly split from the Church of Scientology after 35 quiet years as a member.

True, he was nowhere near the religion's most famous celebrity practitioner, but he will no doubt now go down as one of its most infamous, thanks to the inevitably viral publication of his resignation letter, addressed to Church of Scientology spokesman Tommy Davis. (The letter was first published on the blog of renounced Scientologist Marty Rathbun, who confirmed its authenticity.)

In the missive, Haggis details the reasons for his split, which can be chalked up to three irreconcilable impasses with the church: its refusal to speak out or stop one of its chapters from supporting California's gay-marriage-banning Proposition 8, thereby, in Haggis' eyes, promoting "bigotry and intolerance, homophobia and fear"; Davis' public betrayal and smear campaign against former members of the organization; and, what seemed to be the final straw, the church ordering Haggis' wife, who was introduced to Scientology through her parents, to "disconnect" from them.

And yes, that's exactly what it sounds like: Haggis' wife was told to cut off all contact with her parents due to something "absolutely trivial" they supposedly did 25 years ago.

The order, which Haggis personally opted not to obey ("I've never been good at following orders, especially when I find them morally reprehensible"), was made all the more hypocritical by what Davis did next.

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Turns out Balki Bartokomous is kinda bitter.

Tom Cruise was not only the "biggest bore on the face of the earth" on the set of Risky Business, according to Bronson Pinchot, but Cruise, who was then of pre-superstar status, also "made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments" to him.

"It was like, 'It's a nice day, I'm glad there are no gay people standing here.' Very, very strange," said Pinchot in a lengthy interview with the A.V. Club. The 50-year-old actor made his feature-film debut in Risky Business but is far better known for playing goat-herder Balki on the sitcom Perfect Strangers and gallery receptionist Serge in Beverly Hills Cop—and, of course, for his stint on The Surreal Life.

Pinchot also had singular memories of Denzel Washington ("one of the most unpleasant human beings I've ever met in my life"), Eddie Murphy ("very low spirited, low energy" on the set of Beverly Hills Cop III) and Bette Midler (she was "such a bitch" to First Wives Club director Hugh Wilson).

Tom Hanks, however, is "a wonderful and genuine and lovely and down-to-earth person." (A likely story.)

But did Cruise, who if not always the picture of gravitas is at least reputed to be a real salt-of-the-earth type, really make nasty comments to his costar 26 years ago?

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Controversy may help sell books, but publicly bashing your former coworkers doesn't exactly make for comfortable work environments. Which is why we're thinking Lorne Michaels may have had a word, at least if Tracy Morgan's suddenly toned-down comments are any indication.

"It's not that I don't have nice things to say," Morgan told Matt Lauer when pressed about his "f--k 'em" comments to Cheri Oteri and Chris Kattan last week. (He had us fooled.) "It just never was there."

"We never had a relationship, I don't have anything against anybody, but what happened happened…at any job there are differences. At any job, wherever you go, there are gonna be people who don't get along, who don't speak."

In a leaked clip from the audiobook of his new memoir, I Am the New Black, Morgan named names and—apropos of, well, nothing really—slammed his former colleagues, pointing to their careers and claiming nowadays neither could so much as "get arrested."

Maybe that was Chico Divine talking?

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