He may not be a vampire of the New Moon variety, but don't worry, ladies, Joel McHale can still wax his chest with the best of 'em.

And when he wasn't engaged in intimate grooming this week, your Soup host discovered a complete idiot on The Amazing Race (imagine that!), and found Ray J, shocked and confused upon learning that Lucious—one of the ladies vying for his love—actually slept with someone before she met him!

And she looked so pure.

Find out even more shocking facts on your scalding new Soup tonight at 10 p.m.

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The Soup isn't the only scorchin' thing around here! Check out these shots of all the New Moon madness!

When the going gets small, the Soup gets condensed.

And when the collective posteriors of some of the biggest talents in chat TV get seated, they get a big new couch. At least that's the situation on The View.

If for some unimaginable reason an attractive, comfy sectional doesn't blow your skirt up, intrepid young Joel McHale also brings you a mother who enjoys shaving the thighs of her muscular, Speedo-clad son.

Don't worry, there's more where this came from on a frothy new Soup tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

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Can't wait till then? There's a fully stocked larder of tasty morsels awaiting you in our Soup blog video gallery. Dig in!

Though flames may be licking at the propane tank that powers the E! transmitter on the roof of the liquor store, brave Joel McHale has suited up to rescue your tiny dose of Soup.

This week the boys on Tool Academy are in for a nasty shock—mainly that they're on Tool Academy. Thank God Lorenzo Lamas' career is back on the map with Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, and Andrew Zimmern unveils his new show, where he gets in a man's pants.

All this and more comes your way tonight in a spanking new Soup at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

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It's very small, tidy and reeks of Paco Rabanne. No, it's not Ryan Seacrest, it's your very own Condensed Soup. Here goes...

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Once again, thin handsome yuckmeister Joel McHale brings you the small but oddly filling Condensed Soup you've waited seven days to see.

Speaking of filling, with the debut of More to Love, there's definitely more to watch in the freakish side show that is reality programming. Here, women lacking love but not body mass compete for the heart of Luke (contained somewhere in his 300-plus pound frame). And let it be said that the big man is not without a big appetite for the ladies.

Someone else with an appetitie—for self-destruction—is Hell's Kitchen hopeful Joseph, who bites off the head of head devil Gordon Ramsay in an ear-searing swearfest. Oh, and Wendy Williams manages to come off even denser than usual. Though, as always, nice wig.

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Don't forget to tune in tonight for even more Soup at 10 p.m. ET/PT. And to tide you over until then, go nosh in our tasty Soup Blog video gallery.

Membership in the exclusive Internet community has its privileges. No, we're not just talking about porn and eBay—your enviable access allows you this pre-serving of tonight's fresh Soup.

Who likes road trips? America, that's who, as the Great American Road Trip so clearly proves. And who better to represent America than an RV-gunning family from the Bronx who yell at one another while on a mission to Branson, MO to see American comedy legend Yakov Smirnoff?

Speaking of yelling…

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The big question here is, how will I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! sustain its evangelical fervor without Heidi and Spencer waxing holy every time one of them has some kind of disgraceful bodily emission? 

Actually, there's another big question: Which bachelor trying to win the Bachelorette's heart has already pledged himself to another? And why are some of these boys prettier than Jillian?

Let Mr. McHale attempt to answer these profound queries while bringing you the wondrous gift of laughter on a brand new Soup, Friday at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

Now that the tension bubble of American Idol has burst, we can start paying attention to the shows that matter.  And really, would you rather hear Kris Allen sing or listen to some guy named Tanner describe his unrelenting foot lust on The Bachelorette? And Adam Lambert's pipes have nothing on the gaggle of abuse-spewing skanks on Charm School. Plus, you have Joel McHale guiding you through it all instead of that fastidious Mr. Seacrest. Don't miss your full-size Soup tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

And for more bits of fun in all sizes, be sure to check out the Soup Blog's video gallery.

Once again, great big Joel McHale takes you on a small yet magical tour of tonight's Soup, and the first stop on the fun train is in Britney Spears land, where the latest version of her stage show includes a stage-jumping fan. Who is currently being promoted by Access Hollywood.

Then Tyra offers up the secret to her endearing humility, and we hook up with Donald Trump for a gripping discussion on the merits of pouched tuna. As in, tuna in pouches.  

Look for even more hot action this evening on a new Soup at 10 p.m. ET/PT. 

On The Hills, Heidi is shocked by old friends who, unlike her, are still normal humans. Then Entertainment Tonight breaks the engrossing story of Tom Cruise running after his daughter. (Does he still actually run? Can't he teleport himself using advanced Scientology techniques?) And finally, Isaac Mizrahi gushes about butter.

There's all this and more on a new Soup tonight at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

And for more Soupy video goodness, click here. 

A spoonful of sugar may make the medicine go down, but a confection gone bad is going straight to hell. Joel McHale (with his new pit-boss look and magic trigger finger) cooks up the pain with The Last Cake Standing. And then, a youngster smarter than the talking heads on Today? Prepare to be stunned. Look for a new Soup Friday at 10 p.m. ET/PT.

Young comedy talent Joel McHale has a fresh batch of Soup coming right up, and look what's floating in that steamy broth: the oddly excitable Bruno on Dancing With the Stars, where even The Bachelor's recently dumped Melissa Rycroft apparently has reached star status; one-man freak show Dennis Rodman, who reveals a unique marketing plan built on transsexuals on Celebrity Apprentice; and finally, the ever-funny Ghost Whisperer—scary it ain't. Don't miss even more Soup this Friday at 10 p.m. ET/PT.