The Awful Truth

Dahvi Shira

It's with a heavy heart that I tell you fine folks—all you Twi-hards, Robstenites, Brangeloonies, Gyllenspoonsters, Gosselinatics and the rest of you—that after two wonderful years with the Awful Truth, I'll be hanging up my pink Britney wig. I'm moving on from the gossip game...

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There's a new tell-all in town, which is sort of like saying Lindsay Lohan is close to the end.

But, look, this one's worth picking up: Über-talented Hollywood writer and expert William Mann just came out with How to Be a Movie Star: Elizabeth Taylor in Hollywood, and Mann tells us personally who is best filling Taylor's infamous man-eating, glittery actress shoes today: Angelina Jolie.

Now, let's look at this as the good students of slutty Hollywood history that we are:

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Round one belonged to Kate Gosselin, as a judge ordered Jon yesterday to pay back the majority of the $235,000 he withdrew from their joint bank account. But is everyone forgetting there is way more at stake here than the mini Jon & Kate Plus 8 empire—like those eight kids, perhaps?

Since everyone—the public, Nancy Grace and the judge—seem to be Team Kate right now, could she possibly use this momentum to hit Jon where it hurts, aside from just his dwindling pocketbook?

We checked with one of our legal insiders to see if Jon's weird behavior means he's in danger of losing those kids he sometimes seems to care so much about...

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Erik Kabik

Dear Ted:
Upon learning that they are indeed related, do ya think Matt Damon and Ben Affleck said "Ewww" and headed straight for the showers?
—Mark

Dear Letter of the Day:
Too funny! But you'd be surprised; they have a bromance unusual in Hollywood—in that it's not a romance.

Dear Ted:
I hope you're in good condition today...I saw Robert Pattinson's interview with Seventeen magazine and he says he would love to work again with Kristen Stewart in another movie (outside Twilight connection). Do you think there is a possibility that they can do the remake of Last Tango in Paris since that is their favorite movie? Do you think it's right for K.Stew because she's still young and the movie is so sexy? I think it's time for K.Stew to do some adult movies and the best way to start is with Rob because of their chemistry.
—Jasmine

Dear Wishful Thinking:
Somewhere down the road, sure, I could see them working together. Like Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, everyone's first favorite onscreen couple. They did Titanic then Revolutionary Road. If Robsten works together, expect some gaps in between that and Twilight, though…or else fans won't believe them on screen with anyone else. Like that's not already the case. 

Dear Ted:
After reading your article about Austin Nichols and Sophia Bush, I have to wonder what is up with those One Tree Hill ladies. Tell me, is Danneel Harris and Jensen Ackles' relationship comparable to Sophia and Austin's? And if so, would it be fair to say that Jared Padalecki is the Jake Gyllenhaal to Jensen's Austin?
—Curious

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James Breeden/ Bret Thompsett, PacificCoastNews.com

Dear Ted:
I've read that Britney Spears was on meth and that's what helped to fuel her "crazy" phase. Is that really true? It's hard to believe that she would do something so stupid when she had two little boys. Does she still have a drug problem, if it really was drugs that she was on back then?
—Curious

Dear Toxic:
Brit wasn't in her right mind back then—no idea on the meth, but whatever she was doin', it was all pretty dangerous when you're responsible for caring for two defenseless kids.

Dear Ted:
Now that Michael Lohan has been "publicly outing" Lindsay Lohan for prescription drugs, etc., can you finally out her as Morgan Mayhem, please?! This is just ridiculous!
—anj779

Dear Obvious:
What fun would that be?

Dear Ted:
I'm a big fan of you and Robsten. Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart look like they are crazy in love with each other. My question is, who is more in love for the other? Is Rob for Kristen or Kristen for Rob? Because looks like it is Rob who is more in love. Kristen looks more distant.
—Isis

Dear Love Rating:
They're both totally committed to each other—why so adamant about declaring a winner between them?

Dear Ted:
Everyone seems to assume that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt is a tomboy and picks out her clothes. Is it possible that Angelina still thinks of her as a blob (her word, not mine!) and dresses her that way? Oversized hand-me-down boy's pants, clunky boots, dark clothes, man's tie around her neck, the hats… please, she's a 3-year-old girl. It's too contrived to be anything but A.J.'s choice for some lame reason.
—Don'tMessHerUp

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As happy as we are for the fab celebs tying the knot so gloriously and spectacularly lately, gotta say this gonzo wedding coverage is making us throw up a little bit.

I'm mean, some of us just happen to be getting divorces right about now! Indeed, many of these starry love folk rub their so-called "eternal" love in your face by throwing the biggest, fanciest ceremonies money can buy, only to spend twice the amount on divorce lawyers. It's a waste of moolah, for one, but also totally depressing.

If rich, beautiful people can't get along with one another, what hope do the rest of us have?

Feeling similarly? Check out our Bitter Matrimony gallery, filled to the brim with the most ostentatious, obnoxious splashy celeb weddings that ended in marriages that just didn't stick. And if you're one of those lucky babes in love planning your own big day, don't bother throwing the bouquet in our direction—we'd prolly just burn it.

________

Behold! The Awful Truth's Bitter Matrimony gallery!

The unthinkable happened this Labor Day weekend: Britney Spears actually sang live during a show! At her tour stop in North Carolina, B-babe took a break from fake-belting her own hits and sang a cover of Alanis Morissette's "You Oughtta Know."

OK the angsty tune's sorta a karaoke staple at this point, but bonus points to a more confident Brit for at least trying. We thought we'd never see the day when B.S. would actually turn her mic on while strutting her stuff onstage and let the world know what she sounds like sans studio mixers.

What's next, an acoustic album? Probably not.

Are you rocking out to Brit's natural singing voice or shaking and crying? Vote in the poll!

Tino Garcia/startraksphoto.com

Ted Casablanca is traveling this week and mail is being tackled by Team Awful—so try us!

Dear Awful Truth:
Help me understand this. Channing Tatum, married? To a woman? Seriously?
—Tony Capuano, Toronto

Dear Believe It:
Ah, I bet you were one of skeptics who believed the fairy cake topper was actually Chan's, weren't you?

Dear Awful Truth:
We keep hearing about all the Hollywood celebrities hot for Rob Pattinson. We know that already and it's understandable, but how come we don't hear about the ones that are hot for Kristen Stewart? Surely there are many in H'wood who find her quite irresistible! She's smart, hot, very talented and drop-dead gorgeous. I'm sure there's a long line of equally hunky Hollywood men out there just waiting for Rob to make that mistake of letting her go. Are these guys just too afraid to come forward and admit it, or are they too scared of Rob?
—Potato

Dear Pattinscared:
Are you suggesting that once Robsten is over, K.Stew will become a serial Hollywood hunk seeker cut from the same vein as, say, Jennifer Aniston? Somehow that doesn't really seem all that likely. And guys afraid of Rob? Please. Dakota Fanning could take him.

Dear Awful Truth:
Who would you say are the hottest (as in bods) TV actors/actresses under 35?
—Hot Tamale

Dear Too Many to Name:
Without saying too many? AnnaLynne McCord, Jared Padalecki, Brittany Snow, Robert Buckley, Alexander Skarsgård, Ryan Kwanten, Blake Lively, Leighton Meester, Chace Crawford, Kaley Cuoco, Milo Ventimiglia, Adam Gregory, Cory Monteith...the hot bodies go on and on, man.

Dear Awful Truth:
I just read your description of A-list vs. B-list, etc. And I just have to ask you. What does that make the Hoff?
—JDW

Dear Hasselhoff Has-Been:
Hasselhoff is pure, unadulterated, glorious, full-blown Z status, and there ain't no arguing with it.

Dear Awful Truth:
I know the Jonas Brothers have a lot to hide, and I had a friend tell me a little bit ago that (1) they are not brothers at all—it's just a front, and (2) Joe Jonas is actually Janice Dickinson and Sylvester Stallone's love child. Thoughts?
—Setzer

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Paris Hilton is somehow still allowed to take home any member of the canine kingdom she craves, God help all those innocent li'l things. But Par's Beverly Hills puppy hang's been shut down for good. Guess some miracles do happen!

Pets of Bel-Air, which boasts A-list clientele such as Hilton, Demi Moore, Britney Spears and Denise Richards, has been shut down and accused of selling sick dogs from puppy mills to overeager customers more than willing to shell out big bucks for a cute pup.

All this right around the corner from us, we could choke with disgust. According to NBC News, the lawsuit "alleged the store sold puppies that later became sick or died because they were bred in so-called puppy mills…all the while claiming the animals were from private breeders."

Puppy mills are just absolute no good, people, ya hear?

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Jason Merritt/Getty Images, Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
You say Sean Penn is pathetic, but what about David Duchovny? He's as pathetic, even more pathetic that Penn, I'd say. He's stupid for not setting up with Gillian Anderson and coming back to Téa Leoni instead. I can't believe he's into that fake marriage again. I thought he was getting a divorce? I was starting to admire him again when I read your stuff about Gillovny. I totally think Gillian and David make a great couple and they do love each other for real. I'm tired of the same David and Téa s--t again. Their attitude cannot be good for their kids.
—Cris

Dear Old Habits Die Hard:
You're right, David and Sean are both pretty damn slimy. This is what makes other guys out there think it's totally acceptable to step out on a wife or girlfriend, 'cause they are always taken back! Women do the same and they're sluts.  

Dear Ted:
Will Earth actually stop rotating if there is one day without Twilight and overrated Robert Pattinson posts? Try it and let's see!
—In the dark about that whole Twilight thing

Dear New Gloom:
The world might not stop, but my inbox would overflow. Give Twi a chance—it's way more fun than any Lindsay, Paris or Jessica Simpson shenanigans. Don't you agree? 

Dear Ted:
Three questions actually: (1) You have used the word "fiery" to describe Robsten on two separate occasions since your Fourth of July post. Are you hinting that Rob Pattinson and Kristen Stewart actually did have a secret rendezvous that weekend? (2) You have alluded to R.P. and K.S. having "dating rules." Do they really, and what are they? (3) How much drama and secret controversy can a 19-year-old and 23-year-old who have been dating for less than six months (or so) have? Can you spill at least one thing? Thanks. P.S.: My daughter and I will be picking up an orangey-cinnamon tabby at the local shelter tomorrow. He is missing one ear and has several scars where fur will never grow. We fell in love with him the minute we saw him. I am naming him Teddy. Thanks.
—Ann

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We had such high hopes for Britney Spears' so-called "picture perfect" return to form, but we knew it was nothing but. Her "Womanizer" music vid was superfun, "If You Seek Amy" was kinky hot and now Brit-Brit's dropped the vid for "Radar," and we couldn't be more disappointed. Or absolutely bored!

It's like staring at three minutes of soft-core horse porn while Britney just stands there in a forgettable outfit making eyes at shrug-worthy equestrian men.

What's worse than putting out a video of a two-year old song? It was one of her best dance tunes, and there's not even a friggin' box step in it! Artistic choice, or was it 'cause Brit just couldn't stand still on the set? Totally reminds us of B's "Gimme More" and "Piece of Me" videos, which were filmed at the height of her insanity, where it was a miracle just to get Spearsy in the room to lip-synch. And even those had some sort of choreography!

We've known for a while B.S. is far from mentally healthy, Bbt is she finally unleashing her repressed wild side to the public?

Let's make a Trainwreck Warning checklist, shall we?

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RAMEY PHOTO

What's the name for times when a celebrity—or anyone for that matter—falsely tweets to the public? For example, a very famous gal who is trying to make herself seem like a better person, à la Melinda Miscreant.

This word could also hold for a celeb who has had their Twitter account hacked and then falsely been tweeted about, like Diddy, Britney Spears, and Lindsay Lohan (allegedly).

We think the perf word for this is mistweetment. Can you beat that?