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Is Britney Spears Music Really Torture in Gitmo?
Kevin Mazur/Getty Images
What's with these rock artists complaining about their songs being used to faze Gitmo detainees? How can a Britney Spears song be called "torture"?
—April, Texas
Dear Person Who Has Never Heard a Britney Spears Song: There is much we must discuss.
But yes, musicians—Pearl Jam, R.E.M. and Trent Reznor among them—are reacting this week to word that music may have been used in conjunction with detainee torture at Guantanamo Bay. "The fact that music I helped create was used in crimes against humanity sickens me," is how Tom Morello put it this week.
For the record, experts tell me that "torture" may be too strong a term for the techniques in question, so, from this point on, we'll won't use "torture." We'll say "make detainees want to drive to Britney's house, park outside and swallow a glassful of lye."
So just how could folks like Britney, Eminem, Christina Aguilera—even Elmo and his pals on Sesame Street, apparently—be used as unwitting participants in Gitmo interrogations?
Well...
Is Miley the New Britney–or the Other Way Around?
Kevin Winter/TCA 2009/Getty; Kevin Mazur/Getty Images
Hey Answer Bitch, is Miley really the new Britney? I don't think so.
—Jefry, via the Answer B!tch inbox
I assume you're referring at least partly to Miley Cyrus' stripper-pole action at the Teen Choice Awards? Which hearkened vaguely to Britney Spears' stripper-pole action in...well, where do I start? Full disclosure: I could not look directly at the Miley stripper-pole performance for fear of turning to stone, but descriptions from reliable sources indicate that stripper-pole interaction did occur.
Where are these comparisons coming from? Mostly Miley, it seems. But does all this necessarily mean Cyrus is doomed to a future of albino snakes and barefoot trips to the Porta Potti? Well...
Is Sundance Now Passé for All the A-Listers?
Frazer Harrison/Getty Images
Were there any real celebs at this year's Sundance Film Festival? All I kept hearing about was Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline's first baby mama and the very low-class Linda and Nick Hogan. I mean, if I were a celebrity, I think I might skip it myself. It seems like it's lost its appeal to the big names. Am I wrong?
—Beth
I suppose my mentioning of a Deschanel and Michael Cera wasn't enough for you. Well, you may blame Barack Obama.
According to Eileen Colavita, whose Spin Shoppe PR company ran one of the swag suites at this year's Sundance, most people left the film fest after just a few days, so that they could head to D.C. and take part in the inaugural balls.
Now, let's dispense with more of your Burning Q's.
Is Britney's New Single Too Dirty for Radio?
BritneySpears.com
I hear Britney's new song is so nasty that radio stations may not play it. Is the song Internet only?
—Melissa, Wissahickon, Pa.
I see the overheated Britney publicity machine is still operating on all gears. Hey, great to know! As for that song, it's called "If U Seek Amy" (say it real fast in front of a Jonas Brother, and watch him blush).
It has yet to score an official release date, but the controversy surrounding it is already pipin' hot, thanks to the phonetic power of that seemingly cryptic title phrase.
Here's what we know...
Why Can't Britney, Katy & Pam Keep Their Pants On?
Gustavo Caballero/Getty Images
Madonna, Katy Perry, Britney Spears and now Pam Anderson. When did Hollywood decide that pants were optional? Was there a meeting, a memo? Are sparkly granny panties the new leggings?
—Pam
Pants have always been optional. Go rent an old movie called Let's Make Love with Marilyn Monroe. She dances around in a big sweater and no pants, and all in the year 1960.
Why do singers say they wrote all the songs on their albums, and then when you look at the writing credits there's a list of names as the songwriters?
—Sylvette
Is Britney's Comeback Really, Like, for Real?
Since you have this uncanny ability to predict celebrities' futures, can you predict whether Britney's comeback will be a successful one?
—A huge fan from Indonesia
You're too late, distant B!tchling. The media has already declared Britney fully exhumed, dusted and resurrected. Her mascara is tamed. Her hair is carefully brushed. And the rest of her is all toned up and ready to gyrate in various combinations of leather pants, belly shirts, live snakes, tear-away men's suits, top hats and skintight hoodies. So sayeth Rolling Stone. And the entire country of Germany. Now, achtung, schnell and all this!
What is Dita Von Teese's real name?
—Pipia
Is Top Model's Nigel Barker Gay?
Eric Liebowitz/The CW
Nigel Barker on America's Next Top Model! So smokin' hot! Quiet, sexy and talented. Gay or straight?
—Holly
He's straight, married, with a kid and another on the way. The fashion photographer is also—as Tyra always reminds us—noted.
When a female celebrity marries well beneath her financial status, who purchases the multicarat diamond engagement ring?
—Gail, from Austin
Burning Q's: Why All the Midweek Movie Releases?
Merie Weismiller Wallac/Dreamworks
What's with movies opening up on Wednesdays? First Pineapple Express and now Tropic Thunder as well.
—Lee
The release date for Tropic Thunder actually was changed before that of Pineapple Express.
According to Chad Hartigan of Exhibitor Relations, movie ticket sales gradually slow down as August progresses. So the Thunder people decided to open a few days earlier, to sell as many tickets as possible among the coveted teen-male crowd before they all started heading back to school.
Then the Pineapple people found out what the Thunder people were planning. Like Thunder, Pineapple is aimed at the teen-male audience. But now it would have only five days in theaters before Thunder moved in. So the Pineapple people, too, moved back their date, Hartigan speculates, so that it could a few more days to itself.
Now, on to more of your Burning Q's!
Do you think that Britney Spears can ever really make a comeback?
—Autumn
Burning Q's: A Smile-Free Brit & Anne's Pasty Secret
AP Photo/Matt Sayles
How do celebs like Anne Hathaway or Marcia Cross stay so pale? I'd swear that they were vampires had I not seen pics of them frolicking in the sunshine.
—Jenny
Look more closely next time you spot Marcia Cross cavorting on the beach. You sure you don't see a few puffs of smoke, with maybe some accompanying sizzling noises?
And according to skin doctors to the stars, someone like her or Hathaway may have a certain skin type that simply hates the sun. "They just cannot tan," explains Beverly Hills dermatologist-to-the-stars Susan Evans. "They burn, but they don't tan."
They also use supergrade sun block—not necessarily expensive—that contains titanium or zinc.
Now, let's knock down some more of your Burning Q's!
How Much Money Do the Paparazzi Make?
INFDaily.com
I've got a question for you: How much do the paparazzi really make?
—Taylor, Minnesota
The biggest money comes from exclusive shots of international stars—Brangelina, Johnny Depp—going about their everyday A-list business. Good photos can sell over and over again, from South America to Australia, earning a smart paparazzo up to $500,000 yearly.
Mediocre paparazzi, however, make about as much as a school guidance counselor. They scrape along on common, $250-a-pop photos of Britney or Lauren Conrad. They're the guys always "chasing" Heidi Montag, snapping away as she grimaces through "romances" and "feuds."
On very rare occasions, there's a jackpot photo, a six-figure photo, one that every paparazzo wants. Right now, that one superphoto is...can you guess?
Will Britney Even Live to be Madonna's Age?
Fame Pictures
Do you think Britney Spears will live long enough to grow old?
—Babongile, Johannesburg, South Africa
Whelp, let's dial up the ol' DeathClock.com and see what the sadistic online battle-ax has to say on Ms. Spears, shall we? You just plug in some stats, including whether Britney smokes (she has been seen puffing on ciggy treats) and her body mass index. Hell, let's throw her a bone and say it's under 25.
Ah, there we go.
The most pessimistic scenario has Britney shedding her Southern-fried mortal coil on March 22, 2030—at 48 years old.
But realistically, professional death watchers tell me, she could live decades longer. Over at GhoulPool.us, 35 people have entered a betting pool over which celebrities will die this year. Only eight have cast their fate with Britney. Nine have listed Amy Winehouse, six with Pete Doherty and five for Lindsay Lohan.
What's a Pop Star's Manager Do, Anyway?
James Devaney/WireImage.com
I just read that Britney and her old manager are back together? Woo-hoo? Huzzah? What can a manager bring to the table at this point in her career anyway?
—Maria, Pompano Beach, Fla.
Woo-hoo and huzzah, I suspect.
Conventional wisdom states that managers shape the long-term arc of a musician's career. They're at the vanguard of a young singer's introduction to fame, via Nickelodeon or the Mickey Mouse Club. They engineer the public deflowering when the pop tart turns 17 and it's time to hussy her up for the middle-aged, male Maxim crowd. And they bully producers and movie agents into "seeing" the "untapped" acting "talent" of their clientele, shoving them into their first movie roles and Oscar-bait projects.
In a few years, when Justin Timberlake thanks the Academy for honoring his star turn in some tortured, three-hour Liberace biopic, the real person he should thank is his manager.
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