The Awful Truth

As announced by the great Britney organ itself, britneyspears.com, Brit-Brit's third single off Circus will be "If You Seek Amy." No, she isn't wondering what alley Amy Winehouse is stumbling through. If ya haven't heard the tune already, give it a listen above and see if you hear what our naughty ears are hearing.

B-Brit's still not that innocent, and neither is the song's chorus. So is the pop song gonna be censored for radio play or what? Would they bleep out not only the catchiest part of the song, but the song's title? There are gonna be tons of angry parents out there once their impressionable youths start chanting "ef you cee kay me" along with the Britster.

Sly how they got away without slapping a "parental advisory" sticker on Circus. Brit could use that sticker herself, taped right to her forehead. Me, too, for that matter!

John Shearer/Getty Images; AP Photo/Thomas Kienzle

We told you all a month ago about the possibility of Madonna returning the favor and joining Britney Spears for a show or two on her upcoming tour. Now, more peeps are talking that Brit's choreographers are working overtime to figure out the perf gyrating moves for the two gals to dance out together on stage.

Madge's rep, Liz Rosenberg, is still mum saying that "nothing is scheduled," but if we've learned anything the past year, it's that the more Liz denies, the more chance there is that it's true. She might as well have said, "Yep, it's in the can, bitches."

We're so told, still, it's gonna happen, just not sure where, exactly. And after reevaluating Brit's CD, we really hope the duet is to "If You Seek Amy." No song could be more perfect for these two honeys currently on the prowl.

britneyspears.com

For those of you who haven't had a Britney Spears sighting in the last couple of days, don't freak. We are relieved and pleased to report that our beloved Brit-Brit is alive and well in Japan, touring, visiting sacred temples—the works for debauched superstars!

We must add that we are oh-so impressed with B.S. really pimping out this fab new record on such a big promotional jaunt. The fact that she's taking the time to cheese it up and pose with fans (and assistant and good bud Brett here) while actually looking put together is such the improvement from a year ago, no?

Baby steps. Way to go B, now just get your choreography in order and we'll really feel confident about this comeback.

How did Nicole Kidman keep so fresh faced while on the sweaty set of Australia? Are Britney Spears’ days no longer numbered now that she’s hit 27 years and six albums? And which prude dynamic duo is really pissing me off this week? Find out in Truth, Lies & Ted!

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA Press.com

At last week's SLS Hotel opening in Bev Hills, the too-taut Tyrese talked no-nonsense to us about his buddy-buddy bromance with Shia LaBeouf on the set of Transformers. "Me and Shia had a lot of great moments on set, a lot of jokes, a lot of good memories...a lot of parties!"

No doubt we knew the little dude liked to party. What's your take on your pal Shia's sorta predictable downward spiral from teen actor to trainwreck?

"There's a lot of people that went through the same things that Britney Spears went through, some of the things Shia's went through and even some of the things I went through. And unfortunately we have to go through these things with a lot of people watching, but that doesn't mean the people who are judging us haven't gone through the same stuff."

So give it to us straight, Doc T., what can ya do?

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Chris Polk/Getty Images

Paris Hilton couldn't wait to tell us last night at the SLS Hotel opening what she thought of Britney Spears' latest comeback and her splashy new record, Circus.

"She's hot," Pare-poo purred, when we inquired. Yeah, well, the new Spears extensions may be a little greasy still, but sure, we agree. What do you think of the music, we pressed. After all, P knows her way 'round catchy club-groove tunes, right?

Pretend you agree and hang on for Ms. Hilton's answer…

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LA County Jail

Is it National Britney Bestie Week? Britters releases an album and ages another year, and all of a sudden, all her old chums come out of hiding?

Kevin and Alli Sims both had Brit-related bitching going on (Alli agreed with me, of course, that Spears is getting performance-pushed way too soon after bald-ville), and now the former, and very first, Mr. Spears, Jason Alexander, rises out of the ashes in the form of this darling mug shot.

Dude got busted for probation violation (from an original DUI back in '04), of course, and will be serving days in the slammer, as a result.

Oh, gotta say, J's got that brooding look down pat; plus, he's a lot more tolerable when not being able to speak. And look at that Clark Kent neck! We can almost see what Brit-Brit saw in him, though at the time of their wedding, Spearsie was prolly looking through drunk goggles. We'd maybe do him—but only for one night in Vegas and then have it annulled the next day.

But the point is, who the hell else is going to be so conveniently coming out of Brit's closet of the past, now that she's rereemerged? Sam Lutfi will open a boutique wig collection at Luxe? Justin will use this as a reason to go back and bash B on SNL? Just wait!

AP Photo/Bruno Bebert, file

Remember when Britney Spears just showed up at Madonna's L.A. tour stop and sorta comatose-jiggled through a halfassed duet of "Human Nature"? Well, it's payback time!

We're hearing from inside musical spies that Madonna's planning on paying back her crazy little showbiz sis, Brit-Brit, and showing up at one of her upcoming concerts—too fierce and fab!

What could the duet possibly be they'd choose from Britney's eclectic song catalog? Their already existing job together, "Me Against the Music," would just be too insanely appropriate, and since both babes are far more into the shock factor than actually making beautiful music together, scratch that notion.

Instead, we're told a far more likely choice would be something along the lines of…

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Britney Spears' MTV doc, a 90-minute pity party thrown for the self-described "sad" pop singer, barely gave us insight into Britters' brain besides regretful clichés, ignoring way too obvious Q's like: What was with the British accent, Brit? Or dating a paparazzi prick? How about all those panty-free shots; were those planned or just an oopsy oversight?

But Sunday's snooze of an interview wasn't B-babe's first foray into televised self-exploitation, doncha know. 'Member her and K-Fed's little-watched (and barely watchable) Britney and Kevin: Chaotic? Sure, trucker-hat-donning B.S. was bonkers back then, videotaping herself and a sketchy dude she barely knew at the time, taking B-12 shots, gorging her face with junk food, her wit best exemplified by her acute observations, such as: "These look like boobs...but they're my knees!"

But damn, if Brit-Brit wasn't enjoying life back then, prolly since she didn't know at the time all that footage would be seen by the public. No need to impress anybody, like she so diligently tried to do in "For the Record"—look how strong I am! Buy my new album, y'all!

Check out our fave Chaotic clip above for a refresher in case you forgot what our darling li'l Spearsy looked like happy.

INFdaily.com

Dear Ted:
Why does Britney Spears say she got married for all the wrong reasons, and then turn around to say she never thought her husband was going to leave her? Does she want us to think that all her problems were caused by him only?
—sweetdetermination

Dear Curious Brit:
Let's face it—this girl still isn't well. I mean, anyone who'd want K-Fed to stay isn't off the crazy train yet.

Dear Ted:
Soon it will be the fourth anniversary of Toothy Tile, the young closeted movie star who wanted to come out at a certain time in his life. I'm not waiting any longer for this to happen. Tell me, does Toothy secretly still have a coming-out wish? Can we expect something to celebrate for his fourth-year anniversary?
—Justwondering

Dear Happy Gayversary:
In order: Hip-hip-homo-hooray! Nor am I. Yes. Getting cemented in the back of the closet work for you?

Dear Ted:
Please, Ted, give us some sanity. I've been reading Reese Witherspoon's quotes about love and marriage, all part of her new movie promotion, of course. Her biggest admission? She's too trusting and loving! Yeah, that's how she got to the top of the Hollywood heap. If she can't be honest can she at least be quiet? Calming down now.
—Patricia

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Bobby Rachpoot, PacificCoastNews.com

If Britney's not bad, she's sad—and making sure you know about it. It's really the same old, same old, right?

Before, when an incorporated, blood-sucking parental figure (Lynne) was in charge, it was all about acting out against mean ol' mom. Now that the court's have intervened and brilliantly observed that neither Lynn, ex hubby K-Fed, nor Brit herself were doing too good a job of minding Brit-Brit, the task has fallen to dad Jamie. Well, that's a big improvement.

On the surface, of course, it is.

But bubbling deep down below are the same old deeply rooted problems (like never being allowed a childhood, being used by parents for cash and prizes, user douchebag lovers, etc.), and B-B's buds assure me even though her abs are fab, her head surely isn't. It's just a quieter, legally sanctioned path to the same old...toxicity, as any fool watching her half closely these days can assess.

As soon as those who truly care about Spears stop treating her like a worldwide commodity is when the true healing begins. And that starts with Brit herself. Low self-esteem, thy name is comeback. Chill and ditch the world for a year, babe. We'd love you even more for it.

James Devaney/WireImage.com

Kate Walsh may have switched from bottled to tap water in order to save bucks, but trust me, the current financial disaster isn't affecting every celeb. At least not the super-rich ones, 'cause stock market or no stock market, everyone loves to see what baby steps Britney Spears is making this week.

So...what's an über-rich person whose current value is relatively unaffected to do nowadays? Shop, of course! It is a buyer's market for those who can hang, and Julia Roberts and Bruce Willis are not exactly having monetary woes—or so it seems...

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