The Awful Truth

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It's really happening, folks—Heather Locklear's beloved bitchy character Amanda is finally making her triumphant return to the boob tube. About friggin' time!

"Today was her first day of filming," Melrose Place hottie Shaun Sipos told us while walkin' the red carpet at the Whip It premiere at Grauman's Chinese Theatre Tuesday night.

How's it been working with Lady Locklear? Says M.P. star, and Shaun's date for the evening, Stephanie Jacobsen: "Heather's amazing. She is so warm and so unassuming that you would never guess she was Heather Locklear."

Wow. With costars like these, who needs frenemies, right?

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We know not every single one of you out there is head-over-heels for Robert Pattinson—maybe you're more into the less obvious hotties running around H'wood? Well, we've had our own geek crush on the totally adorable Jason Bateman ever since he starred on canceled cult fave Arrested Development, and we were lucky to make fluttery eyes at the funnyguy at the premiere of his latest flick, Extract.

Jase was a good sport about yakking to us about his famous costars Ben Affleck and Jen Garner, but we couldn't let a dish session go by without asking about the eagerly anticipated big-screen follow-up to his hilarious show. So is Batman as excited as we are about the Arrested Development movie?

"It's gonna be a miniseries first," deadpans J.B.

So how's A.D. gonna get the big-screen treatment? Pregnancies? Deaths? High-speed car chases? Celebrity cameos? Michael Bluth himself fills us in:

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So which Idol is America gonna pick? Conservative Jesus dude Danny Gokey or the ultraflamboyant David Bowie-Pete Wentz mix Adam Lambert? (Oh, and vanilla-as-they-come Kris Allen might be a cutie, but just not doable or talented enough to matter at this point.)

Like it's even a contest anymore! Idol's on the cusp of crowning its first gay champ—or at least its first musical-theater-bred winner to openly wear glitter and guyliner. And of all people, Miss Cali might be helping our lovely Lambert lad score the top spot! Can ya believe it? We bet she can't!

Maybe a few months ago the likeable Christian widower Gokey was a shoo-in, but the Miss Cali backlash is putting all do-gooding holy types out to pasture, while the fab 'n' fey Lambert's got the country hooked on his hips and lips!

Since Carrie Prejean's debut into the gay marriage debate, states left and right have been speaking up loud and proud supporting matrimonial equal rights. Is Miss Cali working opposite for "opposite marriage" or what?

And what's her own church got to say about those risky pics, anyway?

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In L.A., weekends are for exercising, gossiping and seeing old friends. Often all at the same time—just as they were this past Saturday with a network television studio head and his good friend, also a major player.

Studio Head's huffing and puffing working out next to Big Attorney and some other obnoxiously overpaid types. They're really going at it. In between extreme physical exertions, you will not believe what outta control Cher and Chastity Bono goss was dropped.

And it was not said in jest, trust:

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Is it just us or is this year's Idol way different than last year's? We're not just talkin' about the addition of fourth judge Kara DioGuardi (not yet, anyway). Last year, gay strip-club dancer David Hernandez was ousted too early (and wrongly), and now sometimes drag queen Adam Lambert is a friggin' frontrunner!

But the biggest change of all: Paula's acting comprehensibly for once! Holy crap. She's actually doling out valid criticism instead of critiquing songs that haven't been sung yet, and she's engaging Simon's silly side instead of getting riled up by the Brit's bastard behavior.

What the ef's going on?

One Idol insider tells us exactly what's changed with our fave formerly foggy-headed femme:

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Fox

Don't expect the Melrose Place reboot to follow in 90210''s footsteps. While the fresh West Bev High hit was more than happy to bring back Tori Spelling, Shannen Doherty and Jennie Garth, the CW remake seems only interested in one babe: Heather Locklear. Courtney Thorne-Smith and Lisa Rinna ain't comin' back to the Place, and joining the club of another alum not asked back to the neighborhood?

None other than…

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We ran into Anthony Edwards at the Sundance after-party for his flick Motherhood. And it seems so much gab is all about George Clooney putting his scrubs back on for the final season of ER. So. We sure were curious about Georgie’s former costar's thoughts on it all, seeing as A.E. is back briefly this season, too. He could hardly contain his excitement.

Well, that’s a total lie, actually. We pressed:

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"I'll miss working with T.R. [Knight] and Katie [Walsh]...I've never had so much fun; I laughed a lot. I had such a good time."

—Grey's Anatomy's Melissa George, when we asked what she'll miss most about working on the drama-rich show (far more behind the camera than in front, mind you). Is Mel the only one in the whole cast who isn't angry about something? No wonder she vamoosed the hell outta there. Oh, and since when has T.R. chuckled on that über-jinxed set?

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We dished with Buffy babe and Gossip Girl guest star Michelle Trachtenberg recently at a party, and Mich-hon, looking more and more divine by the day, talked GG with us. We said we'd heard she's coming back to the so-pridefully-sinful show as the deliciously evil Georgina Sparks; didja miss everyone?

"I'm not back yet!" sassed Mich. "You're jumping the gun." Someone holding back for a larger payday, perhaps?

What about the alleged new romance betwixt Ed Westwick and Jessica Szohr; you approve? "I think they're both really hot, they're supersexy, why not? Everyone should just have babies and get married!" Uh, not everyone, hon. And prolly not in that order.

FOX

Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane was named in Entertainment Weekly's list of the Top 25 Smartest People in Television, right ahead of Sarah Palin's proxy, Tina Fey. Dude went from having a cancelled cartoon to getting paid a billion bucks to bring the same show back, plus two more. Not an easy feat, but if Seth's so smart, how come he doesn't know how to put on a condom?

We know you babes love your polls so much, and you're so damn accurate at deciding them (sorry, Mr. Montag). So if this flimsy-handed hotshot is the Einstein of TV, who's the stupidest?

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I just don't get it. The creators of Ugly Betty are divinely brilliant. I've met them. They're smart and not scared at all. But maybe now they are getting frightened, particularly by star America Ferrera?

I mean, the very idea of letting potential ratings bonanza Lindsay Lohan leave sooner than her arc was done is insane. Especially since her Betty-hating pushy entourage ways and yellow-stained nicotine habits were the culprits. What the ef did you think was gonna happen with that gonzo girlfriend on the premises? Meryl Streep (whom Lindsay told me she not only idolizes but wants to sleep with, no joke), she's not.

Here's what you do: Surreptitiously snap pics of the badass broad being, well, herself, leak them, along with the appropriate bitchy copy, to the likes of me and my colleagues, and, doll, that is friggin' appointment catfight viewing.

Every scratching type in America knows that one, duh. You just can't write crap that good. Besides, would have kept L2 working. I shudder to think what descent is next for her—this is a lose-lose all the way around. Some tough-ass producer really should have seen the nastiness right on through to its messy culmination.

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We simply cannot believe we did it. We found an H'wood event that Heidi and Spencer were not at. We joined the skank parade at Avalon for Fox's the Really Awards—for the best in Reality Shows (best being a relative term). Ya think this woulda been perfect for Speidi or any other Hills people, but nope. We're taking their absence as an admission that they know their show isn't really reality.

Other notably absent personalities: Tori Spelling and her hub-unit, Dean, Tila Tequila and not one single American Idol judge. Do they think they're really better than the rest of the members of their TV genre? If you're gonna get rich off your guilty-pleasure programming, then stand by it.

We spoke to The Apprentice antagonist Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth—but you prolly just know her from her first name and her badass 'tude. Babe was up for Best Villain, but she wasn't really feeling it. Not 'cause she doesn't agree—villain just wasn't strong enough a word for her.

"They need a new category, like the Most Vindictive, Shallow Bitch category," sassed Oma. You wouldn't mind getting nominated for that? "I'd get a lifetime achievement award for that one." What's the skankiest thing ya ever saw on TV, babe? "I saw this show called Paradise Hotel 2, the girl slept with like seven guys. Or that Tila Tequila, she slept with a whole bunch of girls, a whole bunch of guys and some...I didn't know if they were a man or a woman. A little mix."

So we guess competition dating shows are not your next step in reality TV, huh? Gal looked at us like we were loopy: "I'm gonna stick with the business shows with billionaires." Snob!

Oh, by the boob-tube by, also queried Extreme Makeover's Dr. Bill Dorfman about the trashiest thing he's ever seen on the little screen, and his answer might be enlightening for ya, Om: "The trashiest thing I've ever seen is the way Omarosa treated Piers Morgan from America's Got Talent [on the] last season of Celebrity Apprentice...It was just horrible." Dr. B then took a quick look to his left and said, "Oh my god, she's right there!" Where's a damn reality camera when you need one?

—Additional sass by Becky Bain