The Awful Truth

Darlings, we were going to give you a New Moon Vice update, but for all of you who are so sick of vampires you could cry blood, we'll reward you by bringing back an oldie but yummy goodie. 

Remember Crotch Uh-Lastic, the hunky, rising male star who would hire men to come back to his Hills pad, dress up in some swim trunks and get the naughty party started?

We can't believe it's almost been two years, but Crotch has officially risen, like a hunky hero out of burning celeb-saturated waters! Mr. Uh-Lastic has solidified himself as a respected Hollywood actor, which means it's time to be even more discreet 'bout his homolicious ways...

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Poor Judas Jack-Off. He now has it as bad as permanently closeted movie star Toothy Tile. Only, I fear Judas is not even pretending to be happy, quite unlike Toothy.

Remember, our very handsome and very unkind Judas is still trying to get the ditched BF to have sex, all the while out prancing to the gullible world with his gorgeous girlfriend—whenever there's an available photo op, that is.

But whereas Toothy actually likes hanging with the beard at home and out with the kids, Judas doesn't, at least not as much.

Maybe that's the reason Judas has suggested to the GF, whom he glumly now lives with, that they should both take up...

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Tony Barson/Getty Images; Edward Opinaldo/PacificCoastNews.com

Dear Ted:
Can we take a break from the teenage heartthrobs for a bit so I can inquire about a serious actor? One of my faves actually...Benicio del Toro. Ever been a B.V.? Any dirt? I realize he's not the young star du jour (hello R.Pattz) but he's an Academy Award winner and talent is still sexy...right? Thanks!
—Charlotte 

Dear Old School:
Yes, the muy talented Oscar winner is not only a Blind Vice alum, he's also a notorious worshipper of supersexy chicks who wear ever more superhigh stilettos! What is about high heels that turn straight guys on so much? Do they secretly want to wear them? 

Dear Ted:
So first, I wanted to congratulate you for your column, I check it every day. I don't know if this has been asked before but is Toothy Tile Chace Crawford? Because he kinda has the gay vibe going on, doesn't he?
—M_adriana

Dear Chace-ing for T.T.:
Wrong vice for Chacey!

Dear Ted:
I noticed that some of the gossip sites have picked up on the comments made by K.Stew about "I'm with him, I'm not with him, I'm a lesbian"...implying that she is, in fact gay. Do you think she will have to fess up one way or the other? Will Summit wring her neck for that statement? The suits must be s--ting a blue bean. By the way, you seem happier, I am happy for you.
—Sally 

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There's a humpy dude who's still gorgeous and who used to be on a hit TV show that was often centered around lots of sand, and lots of boobs.

Let's call him Sandy Boob then, shall we?

Sure is pretty, that Sandy! He's also notoriously horny, and has been for many, many years, which, for the record, is about as much time it's been since Sandy's been a relevant player in the biz. Hmm. Could that be why Sandy's suddenly getting less and less discreet about the fact that he likes to do what Crotch Uh-Lastic does, i.e, seduce guys to watery locales? 

Yeah, probably, but guess what? Now that Sandy's career is on hiatus (and has been for some time), Sandy's friends tell us Mr. Boob decided for that very reason to start...

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The hunt's been on for as long as Angelina Jolie's been working men—and women. Closeted quasi-hunky movie star Toothy Tile has legions of folks wondering who he is, and he's become our biggest Blind Vice superstar.

While Toothy's busy—chatting up fellow not-out gay stars or apparently trying to go straight—we're gonna help the guessing game along. In more of a, uh, back-door kinda way.

See, we're going to tell you fab detectives who Toothy isn't!

Behold our People Who Are Not Toothy Tile gallery! We'll start updating this more often so you sexy sniffers can see the fellas who most definitely are not the erstwhile closeted T.T. And keep the guesses coming!

__________

Get clues to his identity in our People Who Are Not Toothy Tile gallery!

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It seems like Lloyd Boy-Toyed is just one example of an über-famous celeb playing the I-dare-you-to-out-me gay dance.

We're bringin' back an oldie, ladies and gentlemen: Remember Seymour Plow-Me-More? The multitalented, married dude who had a guy service him in a public steam room?

Well, it seems Seymour is back and finding himself in crazier situations than he's used to...

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Think most of our homo Vices have totally effed-up ways of pursuing love? Well, don't rule out the horny-ass heteros, cause Adam Pounce-Prick is at the top of the heap when it comes to humiliating ways of getting off.

Adam P.P. dated a few other celebs once becoming a recognizable name—some honeys way out of his league, but they seem to fall for this funny fella's charm, if not his somewhat-appealing looks. But Adam, like every other swell-headed male out there, wants what he can't get.

Cue violins now, please.

Specifically, APP has his randy eye on one particular lady not in the business, not into casual stuff in the boudoir, either. Too bad for Pouncey, cause that's all he's looking for nowadays, and with this gal, he kept getting outright (and painfully) rejected. Did he finally prevail?

Well, listen up:

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Good news! Terry Tush-Trade has a sexually uninhibited companion on the Twilight set—and how.

No, not in that way, you dirty-minded A.T. readers (for the record, Terry seems to have calmed down from when we last checked in). What we mean is that another member of the Twilight franchise is getting all kinds of frisky across the gender borders.

Meet Rocky Trailer, a good-lookin' young thing who really embraces the sex card, and deliciously (and loudly) so!

Oh, except there's one huge difference between Rocky and Terry:

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Good news: Ever since Toothy Tile decided to permanently bury himself in the proverbial Hollywood closet, it's almost as if Lloyd Boy-Toyed has decided to up his bent for dangerous, risk-taking sexual activities. No, not talkin' about getting it on without a condom—or in a car in a West Hollywood parking lot—but something almost as rebelliously mindless: like hitting on a reporter.

Now, even though Lloyd has always had a penchant for doing things like...

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Let's get something straight right now: Yes, I often write Blind Vices that are fairly obvious; this one isn't. That's a pretty big clue. And so, too, is Slink-a-Rella Jiggle's rear end.

See, it's the main thing that got her beautifully bodied man, Dumbo Pecs, to ask her to marry him (her boobs sure didn't hurt, either). Well, that and the fact that Slink-a-Rella wasn't exactly actually Dumbo's first choice to be his wife. So Pec thought, Well, I do like Slinky's big ol' bottom, so why the hell not give this a try, huh?

Aren't men funny? They make life decisions based on the most interesting things, like the notion that Dumbo also felt marriage to Slinky would...

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This is not a joke: Poor closeted movie star Toothy Tile, last caught pitifully fooling around with blow and broads, is more recently causing his friends to worry something fierce about his head.

And I don't mean the kind he prefers getting in West Hollywood parking lots.

As our beloved Mr. T's same-sex desires (and née partnership) have been cast as far back in the closet as Kevin Spacey appears to be, Toothy's extremely tight band of friends are fretting for the fella's emotional well-being?and rightfully so.

"We're wondering when he's going to crack," said one of the slightly lesser-inside chums to the notoriously private actor. "I keep hearing from everybody else that he's about to pop, but it's weird, whenever I see him, he acts like everything's cool. I think he only shows that side of himself to a couple of people."

And those people are telling other people who are telling me:

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Dear Ted:
Has Julia Roberts ever been the subject of a Blind Vice? Not currently but perhaps back in the day? And has Julia ever worked with Toothy Tile?
—Meg in the Mountains

Dear Paging Miss Roberts:
Does something about Julia's toothy smile make you suspicious? Very interesting. J.R. might be as squeaky-clean as she appears, but yes, she sure made the Blind Vice hall of infamy back before she settled down. Jeez, looks like this marriage is lasting a lot longer than folks thought it would, eh?

Dear Ted:
After looking through the Blind Vice photo gallery, which I loved and thank you, it occurred to me that if you ever get tired of calling it B.V. you could always go with Eight Degrees of Jennifer Aniston!
—Amanda F., NYC

Dear Joshing Jen:
Hollywood's a small town. Why do you think everyone has herpes? And no, that isn't a jab at Aniston, humorless E! legal department, so why don't you go bitch-slap Joel McHale for a change instead.

Dear Ted:
Who would you consider Hollywood's real sweetheart, not just one everyone thinks is?
—Super Girl

Dear Hard One:
Being sweet hardly gets you on the A-list. You need to be much more Witherspoon-cunning than that. How about Anna Paquin? Yeah, exactly.

Dear Ted:
Ted take a look at these photos of Rob Pattinson. Apparently Kristen Stewart was with him in the clubs according to other sources. Can you find out for us please if they were or weren't together? Not fair the way the paps treat Rob.
—C

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