Movie Reviews

Review in a Hurry:  Computer-animated kung fu turtles battle convenient, disposable villains in this clunker that's too violent for younger children, too silly for older kids and too lame for words.

The Bigger Picture:  Bringing the once over-franchised comic-book characters back to the big screen in splashy CGI must have seemed like a no-brainer to somebody. The notion has always been kid friendly and there's a built-in fanbase that obviously has no quibbles with the notion of radioactive reptiles who obsess about pizza, have Renaissance-inspired names, shout cowabunga! and use their ninja training to fight crime. This is the definition of an audience with low standards.

So as a marketing plan, TMNT is a work of cynical devilry. As a film, it's just a desperate disaster, a concept stretched so thin in so many directions that you can see its gears grinding to a halt.

TMNT falls apart just a few minutes out of the gate, in a pointless recap/where-are-they-now sequence that establishes the film's desire to be all things to all people. Here is brainiac Donatello, taking tech-support calls for no good reason; there is goofball Michelangelo, working as a birthday clown; now we see hot-tempered Raphael haunting the rooftops as a steel-clad vigilante; and finally, noble Leonardo, who's apparently on sabbatical in a Zorro film. These bits are, respectively: clichéd and unfunny; clichéd and unfunny and annoying; pointlessly overwrought; and unbearably cloying and full of angst. This is in the first reel, and things don't get any better.

In their zeal to appease every remotely possible demographic, the makers of TMNT have accomplished a perverse sort of perfection. They've made something that's designed to appeal to everyone and yet is of no use to anyone: too rough for anyone young enough to fall for its jokes, too hard on the brain for anyone looking for eye candy, too bloodless and flat for action junkies, and too obviously a warm-up for a sequel for anyone to care.

Turtles at the zoo are more exciting.

The 180—a Second Opinion:  Some of the CGI action scenes are pretty slick, and overpriced as tickets are these days, seeing the movie is cheaper than buying the videogame, both of which have probably about the same impact.