20 Ways to Stay Out of Hyde and Off the Sauce
Lester Cohen/WireImage.com
Lindsay, we think you're a great girl with tons of potential. We genuinely respect your talent, and we kind of like you, so we're hoping you pull through. As part of your recovery, we think it's important you stay off the party circuit. So, in case you don't remember how to live without a drink in your hand and the paparazzi on your ass, here are a few ideas, free of charge, with love from E! Online:
1. Trade places with your publicist for a day, in homage to your delightful family film Freaky Friday, and because you really should hear what people say about you.
2. Visit the Self-Realization Fellowship near Malibu and talk to the tadpoles in the pond. They can't be worse company than Mischa Barton.
3. Ask a hepatologist to show you what end-stage cirrhosis looks like.
4. Associate only with people who think Hyde is something you cut off dead animals. Okay, well, maybe not exactly those people, who might be survivalist crazies, but you know what we mean.
5. Work up a spec script of The Parent Trap 2: They're Baaack!
6. Ask your longtime admirer Tina Fey for a job on 30 Rock. You'd be only the third-craziest person in the cast after Alec Baldwin and Tracy Morgan.
7. Volunteer for jury duty. Spend a week with 12 normal people at a midcentury modern courthouse downtown, and use the exposure to hard-working joes doing their civic duty to recalibrate your value system, which is wack.
8. Join the army. What? They missed their May recruiting goal. You're young, you're fit, you're smarter than the average bear and you love America...don't you?
9. Turn your life into a drinking game—a healthy drinking game! Appear in the pages of Us Weekly, do a shot of wheatgrass. See yourself on the cover of People, chug spirulina. Want to do a vixeny photo spread in Vanity Fair? Okay, but you have to drink the whole bottle of cod-liver oil. Who said sobriety isn't fun and games?
10. Think about what you've done.
11. Straighten up and fly right.
12. Work the program.
13. Get a job. Teaches responsibility and all that. No, seriously, you treat acting like a well-paid hobby, so you need a job—plus, you haven't lived until you've been a server at Shakey's.
14. Rent Sandra Bullock's rehab blockbuster, 28 Days, and follow the advice therein: Get a plant (maybe, for you, something high maintenance like a maidenhair fern). If you can keep the plant alive for a year, you can have a pet (maybe, for you, something high maintenance like a poodle). If you can keep the fern and the high-strung poodle alive for a year, you can have your very own person! (Baby or boyfriend, your call.)
15. As the sage Lorelai Gilmore once said, "Don't drink. And after you're done not drinking, drink tons of water and take two aspirin before you go to bed. And take Paris with you everywhere. Not much can happen with that girl along." (Kidding! Except about the first part.)
16. Write your memoirs. Autobiography is often cathartic for world-famous teens in crisis—just ask Drew Barrymore, author of Little Girl Lost.
17. Seriously, call Drew Barrymore, ask her to lunch and take her word as gospel. She too was a talented child star, she was doing hard drugs before she had her learner's permit, she was widely considered a lost cause and she has a great rack. Just. Like. You. Just follow in her footsteps exactly, and you might make it across this minefield in one piece.
18. Hack into the GPS in your car and program it to automatically cut the engine any time you inadvertently enter L.A.'s party zone—i.e., everything south of Sunset, north of Venice, east of the beach and west of La Brea. It's true, the shopping on Avalon Boulevard in Carson isn't as good as in the party zone, but come on, Lo, we all have to make sacrifices to our inner demons...
19. No matter what Britney says, do not cut off all your hair.
20. Hang in there. It gets better. We promise.
Review Lindsay's highs and lows in our photo gallery.
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