Ten Reasons It's Totally Okay Not to Love, or Even Like, Southland Tales

Wed., Nov. 14, 2007 12:37 PM PST by Caroline Kepnes

Sameul Goldwyn Films

This Southland Tales movie has such promise. The bizarre/ambitious sci-fi epic pulls together a huge cast of talented, hilarious people. And it's directed by Donnie Darko's Richard Kelly. And it's about the end of the world. But after seeing it, I could only pout. Like a little brat, I crossed my arms and threw an internal temper tantrum. And I feel it is my duty to pout in public, so that I might prevent others from having similar bad times.

Richard Kelly, You Are a Tease: The movie opens with spectacularly normal home video footage of a Fourth of July celebration, interrupted by something magnificently horrifying. This is far and away the best moment in the film. But because it comes first, it's a tease. A mean tease.

Women of Saturday Night Live Need to Learn to Say No: The hope that Cheri Oteri, Nora Dunn, Janeane Garofalo and Amy Poehler are participating in something truly artistic is almost palpable in every scene. So sad is all their effort, their overacting, their downright enthusiasm for the nonstory. Ladies, you can be choosier.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, Southland Tales

Samuel Goldwyn Films

The Rock Needs a Hug: He's so likable, so watchable. But here—as an action star with amnesia, who may or may not have predicted exactly how the world is going to end—he's lost. Here's what he said in the press notes: "I stopped trying to completely understand everything that's happening in the movie because there are so many stories that are taking place, all of which wind up being connected." That's a careful, smart quote.

The Apocalypse Deserves Better: The end of the world is just too good a subject. I remain excited for the Will Smith last-man-standing I Am Legend and giddy for Roth's adaptation of Stephen King's Cell.

Justin Timberlake, Please Stop It: Oh, he is hot. But man oh man, he just doesn't have the chops. He's not acting here as a wounded Iraq vet and the film's narrator—he's posing for a photo shoot, hamming it up. And since we see him alone onscreen so much, it's superimpossible not to notice this.

Samuel Goldwyn Films

Mandy Moore Cannot Do Satire: First she tried it in American Dreamz. Now, she tries it again. She's too into it. She should take classes from Catherine O'Hara, who can send up anything with grace and wit. I like that Mandy wants to challenge herself, but I don't like that directors don't seem to know what to do with her.

Sarah Michelle Gellar Can Do Satire, but She Deserves Better: I kept thinking of Gellar's decadent turn in Cruel Intentions. Can't she find an adult version, where she plays a nasty mom/teacher/pediatrician or something? She's just such a great morph-artist, callous one second, all big eyes the next. Had Southland Tales been more focused on her recovering porn star, it could have worked...maybe.

A Little Eli Roth Shoulda Been a Lot of Eli Roth: Yes, the Hostel maestro makes a cameo. No, it isn't long enough. Plus, you want him to take over the movie—and then you get totally distracted and start thinking about Roth's movies, how they have neat things like plot, momentum and act breaks. Coool.

Kelly Can—and Will!—Do Better: Now, the happy ending! I'm still a believer as far as Kelly is concerned. The Box, which is currently shooting with Cameron Diaz and Frank Langella, sounds superb and comes from an amazing short story. And hey, everyone has to screw up sometimes.

Okay then, anyone out there still fired up for Southland Tales?