By now we all know Good Luck Chuck whimpered out of the weekend, failing to inspire the masses to go see Jessica Alba klutz it up with comedian Bostonian hottie Dane Cook. Chuck had all the sizzle of Cook's last flop, Employee of the Month. Ouch.
Even last week at the premiere, I sensed the movie might not get the greatest reception. When you see Jim Belushi standing uncomfortably on the red carpet, waiting for some avalanche of flashbulbs that never comes, you get a little lurch in the pit of your stomach.
Thus began my mission: Figure out why Dane's movies don't connect with his 1 zillion fans. And figure it out soon, because surely at some point he's gonna run out of chances. Here are a few theories I came up with, talking to his costars:
Theory Number One—He's Not Larry David: Funnywoman Ellia English is having a stellar season. She's giving Larry David hell on Curb, and she gives Dane a, um, big surprise in Chuck. So, I asked her to compare and contrast the dudes.
"Both of them know how to a deliver a joke," she began. "Dane has lived funny. Larry knows funny and just is funny. You know what I mean? And the beauty of working with Larry is that there's no script. With Dane and I, because it was a script we had to make it seem like it was unfolding. We had to work a little harder to get the spontaneity, but we didn't mind doing the work."
All very interesting, because maybe, at the end of the day, Cook should switch gears and focus on saving HBO with an unscripted show à la Curb. Maybe that's the forum that would really let him fly.
Theory Number Two—Nobody Wants to See Him with Hot Goofy Chicks: Jessica Alba is ridiculously hot. My dad has a crush on her. She can happily tell you that her tooth is fake, point it out and somehow still look like a glamazon. She's happy-hot, too. When Dane made one of his offbeat references to The Wizard of Oz at the premiere, she laughed, "Where does he get these references? I don't even think of them!"
"I don't know," he said. "I'm inspired by you and your shiny dress."
So goes the pattern for Dane. Team up with a hot chick who has yet to make a big romantic comedy—Jessica Simpson and Alba—and make them crack up. It's a noble cause, but Dane's fans are not gonna pay to see him swap spit with hot nice-seeming twentysomethings. He would have better box office if he romanced an elder hot chick, like maybe Goldie Hawn. Don't you agree?
Theory Number Three—Not Everybody Gets to Shine: 30 Rocker Lonny Ross is adorably high on life after the show's Emmy win and the big rollout for the Chuck premiere. He has a great face, a great sense of humor. For example, here, his post-Emmy plans: "I'm gonna get a penguin in my apartment in New York City. He'll live in the bathtub." Yet his character totally gets the shaft in Chuck.
So, Dane, next time around, get in on the cutting-room action and see to it that nobody gets screwed. Especially when they're as talented as Ross.
Theory Number Four—What Do You Think? He's handsome, he has an enormous following as a comic, so what's the deal? Why can't this guy open a movie? Let me know what you think in the Comments.