The Yankees are battling the Red Sox, and it will take more than a few home runs by Alex Rodriguez to help them. We have Josh Beckett's curveball and Mike Lowell's supersports. And so this weekend you won't line up to catch Balls of Fury, a funny ha-ha ode to competitive Ping-Pong. It's about Ping-Pong. It's for boys who name their bongs.
Well, not all sports movies are so...sporty. We could rave on about the greats—Raging Bull and Rocky and Bull Durham—but wouldn't it be more fun to make a list of movies that are more about the feelings than the fumbles?
As always, throw a pep rally in the Comments section for the movie you want to see make the list. Just please don't praise Bend It Like Beckham. Please. All right, play ball!
1. Better Off Dead: Slouchy skier Lane Meyer (John Cusack) just can't hack the K-12. So, naturally his snitty blond arm candy (Amanda Wyss) dumps him. Naturally, he is forced to eat Fraaanch dressing and Fraaanch fries and work a horrible job and get regular ass-whoopings, even from the paperboy who wants his $2. And, of course, a hottie foreign ski bunny (Diane Franklin) helps him find his inner athlete. Better Off Dead was quirky before quirky was standard.
2. Summer Catch: I can hear you groaning. Cardboard-ish Freddie Prinze Jr. is at his most cardboard. Jessica Biel is on a phone miles from set, delivering her role as the cheesy girlfriend of the baseball player with an attitude. And you know what? I don't care. And it's not just because it's set in my hometown of Cape Cod. Summer waxes poetic about home runs and head troubles in a way that would make Babe Ruth pound his fist.
3. Red Dawn: Let's just say the "sport" is terrorism. And the time is the '80s. And the war is led by Patrick Swayze, with Charlie Sheen bucking up and Jennifer Grey getting surprisingly competent with a rifle. Every time these teenage vigilantes graffiti their school's team name—WOLVERINES—I feel a surge of patriotism. And then it fades. And then C. Thomas Howell drinks mammal blood before the real war games even begin. And that feeling returns. Again, Wolverines!
4. Zoolander: Modeling is so a sport. Look no further than the extremely physical walk-off that features Derek Zoolander (Ben Stiller) vying for king spot against rival catwalker Hansel (Owen Wilson). I'm sorry, but most football players probably can't take off their underwear while their clothes are still on. And when Derek's family of tough coal miners finally accepts him for the man he is—well, come on. Tell me you don't choke up, just a little.
5. Dodgeball: Christine Taylor, who also revs up the estrogen factor in Zoolander, has the same purpose here. And it's kind of what she was born to do, even if she is playing a woman so good at dodgeball one can only conclude she swings both ways. As a lovable loser whom you want to smack upside the head, Vince Vaughn is like the cinematic equivalent of the Subway guy who lost all that weight: He's chubby, he's made some lazy choices in his life, but he has come to play.
6. Million Dollar Baby: I didn't want to see this movie. Granted, Clint Eastwood is a genius. Yes, Hilary Swank was said to be great. But I thought I didn't want to see a story about a woman boxer. I expected some tiresome feminist story of "valor" and other humdrum noble qualities. What an idiot I can be. Baby is sentimentalism and sweat combined to perfection. There are no lame speeches, no lame subplots, no excessive reminders that this is the story about a woman overcoming odds. There are only the 8,000 boxes of Kleenex you need for that final act.
7. Stealing Home: I mean, was baseball ever cuter? Baseball is so damn cute in this movie it may as well be wearing a bonnet and cuddling in a bassinet full of Muppet Babies figurines. A babysitter (Jodie Foster) and a ball player (played by both William McNamara and Mark Harmon—bless you, casting director) and a whole lot of melodrama make for an almost spiritually nostalgic movie about going for it. And you thought The Natural was girlie. Ha.
8. Wildcats: They don't make 'em like this anymore. Goldie Hawn is a mom going through a divorce. She's also a white lady trying to coach an urban football team. They do not take her seriously. But they sure do have fun. If it's been a while, watch Wildcats and you'll see it holds up. Bonus: Nipsey Russell, Woody Harrelson and the rest of the guys make sexism funny. How very retro!
9. Fever Pitch: So, the Farrelly brothers totally had God (aka David Ortiz) and the rest of the Sox on their side. They happened to shoot this love story about a Sox fan (Jimmy Fallon) and the girl nuts enough to try and love him (Drew Barrymore) the year that we—gulp—won. Sure, Fever's script goes a little off course at times, but it's a sweet reminder that sometimes being a fan is the hardest position to play.
10. You Tell Me! What did I miss? Make some noise in the Comments section.